Sleepless nights in LA
by ZBBZL
Summary: "The first time I sleep with Kensi, it's not sexy. Heck, how could it be when Sam and Callen are just a few feet away from us ?" K/D. Starts as friendship, but who knows what can happen next ? From Deeks's PoV
1. Chapter 1

**I know I said I didn't want to post another story until I had finished **_Sitting, waiting_**, but truth is, I'm not that really inspired so I'll try to make up for the lack of updates with this one. It's a one-shot for now but could go on if you want it that way. It's from Deeks's PoV and takes places somewhere in season 2, after **_**Stand-off**_** but before _Absolution_. I'm not sure that's what I do best so I'm gonna let you be the judge of this. Just tell me what you think and if you want me to go on. That said, enjoy :)  
**

* * *

The first time I sleep with Kensi, it's not sexy. Heck, how could it be when Sam and Callen are just a few feet away from us ?

Maybe I should clarify things. By _sleeping together_, I mean falling asleep at the same time in the same small amount of space. Nothing sexy, uh ? Said small amount of space happens to be the backseat of Sam's car as we're driving home after a long day, in some sort of bonding team trip.

Well, not really, but I like to see it that way. Our case just took us somewhere quite far away from L.A, and Hetty, concerned about the environment, made us travel all in one car. It means that in spite of my complaints, the male pair of partners was the masters of the radio and let me tell you something, listening to jazz for six hours could drive anyone crazy. Especially when Kensi feels like she _has to_ tell us all about the history of jazz – I mean no disrespect, but doesn't Sam know any better than her, since he's a fan ? But Kensi doesn't seem to mind that fact and goes on. How can she dare to say I'm talkative after that, I don't know, and I don't dare to ask.

You see, I haven't been working with them for long, but I know a thing or two about Sam, Callen and the delicious, _exquisite_ woman that is my partner. Maybe I talk a bit too much, but I'm also a good listener, and I'm quite observant, if I may.

Kensi loves to show off. It's like she _needs_ to remind everyone she deserves to be there. I don't know much about her but I know enough to see that. She proves herself even though I don't really think she needs to, because the way Sam and Callen look at her says it all; they consider her one of the guys. No one would ever dare saying that Kensi Blye fights like a girl, nor does she acts like one, anyway. I'm almost sure she could drink more than me and hold her alcohol way better. She's slender but she's strong, she's gorgeous but just as deadly. I teased her about being nicknamed 'Kiss of Death Kensi' just a few days ago, but truth be told, I'm actually scared because I'm sure she could beat me within a blink of the eye.

But deep down, I'm sure she's a lovely girl. Especially right now, with her hand tucked under her cheek and her beautiful mismatched eyes slowly fluttering close as she leans against the windowsill, just about to doze off.

She looks so much younger like this, like a little girl waiting to be tucked in bed. And though I shouldn't think about that kind of things, I'd love to be the one kissing her goodnight. Kensi would kill me if she heard me talking like that, and I'm not even sure where it's coming from either, but I know I would love it.

Well, anyway, this leads to the second thing I've quickly learnt about my partner. She likes her sleep. She tries to make it seem like she could live on coffee like Callen does – the man only takes cat naps and for a guy of his age, he's quite good. But I know better; if Kensi doesn't get at least eight good hours of sleep, she is of no use. Quite literally. She yawns all day long, trying to cover it, of course. She needs extra-sugar, a dose that should be lethal, really; I can't understand how the girl can eat so much and look the way she does. Because when you take a look at her body, you can't guess that she eats more than the three of us combined. And I'm not exaggerating.

So, back to the sight unrolling before my eyes, Kensi slowly falling asleep is really cute. Within a minute, a light snore escapes her and it makes me laugh. Only Kensi can look so beautiful while snoring, but I don't allow myself to look at her any different, because even if she can't see me, I'm sure she could feel my smirk and wake up, kill me and then go back to sleep without effort.

Callen and Sam could too, by the way. Although Sam is focused on the road and his conversation with Callen, I sometimes catch Callen's eyes taking a sneaky look at us. I can't blame him, though; Kensi and I have been bickering for almost half an hour about stupid things, but isn't it the way it's supposed to be at the beginning ? We don't know each other well enough to always be at-ease, so we tease and banter, testing the water. Callen and Sam feel like parents with bickering kids, but I think Kensi finds it funny. I find it too, and I guess that it's the only thing we agree on for now, so we keep bickering because with our line of work, we do need to laugh from time to time. And annoying the guys is just a bonus.

I retrieve my phone from my pocket to take a picture of Kensi when Callen's voice interrupts me. "Don't even think about it. She'll kill you."

"She doesn't have to know", I answer, pouting as I put the phone back into my jacket. "How do you even know ? You weren't even looking at me."

"Telepathy", Callen says with a smug smile.

"Rearview mirror", Sam adds, cocking an eyebrow at his partner.

"Come on, don't tell me you're not tempted", I insist. "I just have to wait until she starts drooling and that'll be good blackmail stuff."

"Just know that this thing about payback being a bitch is _nothing_ compared to Kensi Blye's wrath", Sam shrugs. "That's one woman I wouldn't cross."

"Scared of the cute little Sleeping Beauty, are we ?", I tease him, but my comment goes unanswered.

"Just you wait until we tell her you said that", Callen says. "We're not scared, we're just not stupid."

With that, they go back to their earlier argument and leave me thinking about my partner. Like I really need them to give me space to do that.

Kensi is complex, Kensi is a challenge. A ten thousand jigsaw puzzle pieces, but for once in my life, I feel like I can be patient enough to sit down and riddle this. But here, leaning against the windowsill, her pretty face illuminated by the moon, her lips forming this adorable pout I've never seen on her while awake, I can't really think of anything else. I would never dare to say she's cute, not in front of her, not when she's within ear reach, but right now, that's the only word that comes across my mind.

I watch her for an hour, quickly averting my eyes when one of the guys turns to look at me. I don't want them to think I'm some creepy perv, or a lovesick puppy. I don't know which one is the worst, actually. But then Kensi begins to toss and turn, the stiffness in her muscles obvious. And that's when her head lands on my shoulder.

The guys see it, I know it. But they don't dare make a comment. I just stay there, completely shocked, absolutely at a loss to what to do. That's obviously the very same exact moment when Kensi decides to snuggle up closer, one of her hands coming to gently grab my arm.

I know she's doing it unconsciously, probably trying to find a more comfortable position, but I can't help the furious beat of my heart. Faster, almost painful. I feel like a teenager again, shuddering and fidgeting because of the intoxicating scent of a girl, the softness of her skin, her smooth hair tickling my chin. And the way she hums softly as her face nuzzles my chest doesn't help, not in the slightest.

Things wouldn't feel so weird if the guys joked about it, because then, we'd go back to the easy banter, going back and forth to what we are in daylight. Coworkers trying to adapt to each other, acting like kindergarten kids who refuse to admit they like each other's company. But right now, it's dark, it's night, and things look so different.

Because this Kensi isn't the girl I've begun to get to know. But I think I like her too.

Next thing I know, my eyelids feel heavy and the soothing sound of Kensi's breathing fanning over my chest makes me slowly fall into sleep.

Needless to say that when Kensi wakes up, sprawled over me, _her_ hands on my chest, _her_ face in my neck, she still accuses me of taking advantage of her during the night and punches my arm, quite forcefully, I must admit. But you know what ? It's worth it. Because this first night with Kensi might have not been sexy, but it was definitely something. Something I'd be quite glad to repeat.


	2. Chapter 2

**I'm still not quite sure I really do justice to Deeks, but I gave it a try again. I have ideas that could stand as epilogues to some episodes, like this one, and others that won't take their inspiration from them. So just let me know what you think about it.**

* * *

The second time I sleep with Kensi, it's still not in a bed, and it's definitely not sexy. But it's about _need_, and for the first time in my life, there's a girl that makes me find out that need doesn't always relate to sex.

I just needed to have her next to me, to check if she was really there or if it was some trick of my imagination. To hear her breathing, to feel her warmth and her weight pressed against me. It sounds corny, right ? But I can assure you, you would've needed the same thing if you'd had to go through the day we just went through.

I don't quite know when I started feeling like this for her – the protectiveness, the need to know she's safe, I mean. I'm not talking about feelings, _feelings_; romance and all that crap. But I guess that seeing her being taken away from _me_, being totally helpless to have her back like I _should_ have, revived the whole thing.

We're a team, but she is _my_ partner. This means I'll always feel responsible for whatever happens to her. Things were easier, when my world only revolved around me; I knew no one would miss me if something happened to me, I knew I wouldn't hurt anyone. But now I have Kensi and her life and mine are so deeply tied I can't help it. I know she _can_ hold her ground just fine without me, but it's my job to get her safe, and today, I didn't. I _failed_ her. And it isn't something I'm nowhere near ready to forgive myself for, even if she does.

Kensi might be the toughest girl on Earth – one of the strongest people I know, but she's _still_ a girl, and there are things that make shivers run down my spine, things that bad guys only do to women. So when earlier today, Kensi was taken by those three Russian guys, I was truly scared.

And I have been until the moment I saw her with my very eyes, apparently unharmed. Only the feeling of relief only lasted a second, because she told me to switch off the lights and I saw dozens of laser beams surrounding her, and I knew. I knew we were in trouble deep, and it was all on me if she was trapped in there, so no matter how much it cost, I _had to_ save her.

Yeah, I said it, I used the forbidden word: _save_. Kensi doesn't need to be saved; she only needs a little help from her friends from time to time. But _I_ needed it. I needed to do something right for once.

"We're out for a beer, you in ?", Callen asks as we walk away from Mattias's car, leaving him probably wetting his pants from the fright. "You okay, Deeks ? You look pale."

"I'm fine", I say. God, Kensi's automatic, _robotic_ answer is rubbing off on me. "I'm kinda tired, I think I'm gonna head home."

Kensi declines politely too, and barely seconds after, we're left alone in the parking lot. But none of us moves towards our respective cars.

"Rough day, uh ?", I manage to choke, and I mentally slap myself for not finding a better thing to say.

"Don't tell me about it", Kensi sighs as she leans against her car. I didn't even realize I had walked her there. "I'm sorry I landed on top of you like that, your back must hurt like hell."

"I'm sorry you needed me to get you back in the first place."

"Deeks, _don't_", Kensi tells me, and I see her lifting her hand, almost reaching for me before she finally lets her arm fall at her side. "I knew you would react like that. It's not your fault, so don't beat yourself up."

I've never heard Kensi speak with that voice; her tone is soft, almost tender. And her eyes, those mysterious, intriguing dark orbs, are locked with mine and I can see things I never thought I would. Forgiveness, concern, _care_. I must have knocked my head harder than I assumed, because Kensi _can't_ be looking at me the way she's doing right now. Not like she genuinely _doesn't_ hate me.

"Come on, Deeks, you know me. I'm not some damsel in distress. You didn't let me down, you just got the job done. I'm fine, so drop it, okay ?"

Kensi almost pleads me, her bottom lip caught between her teeth, and that small gleam of guilt in her eyes is just too much right now. I can't have her feel guilty over me since I am the one to blame in the story.

"You might be fine but _I am not_, okay ? You almost died on me. Both of us almost died, actually. So I'm not fine. I'm not used to having someone to look out for, so I don't know how to deal with what I'm feeling right now, and –"

"Deeks, don't", she cuts me out again. "I told you you'd get me back, and you did. That's all that matters". This time, she puts her hand on my forearm and gently squeezes it. "You're a good partner. I know I can count on you."

I nod, because I can't find anything else to do. Kensi doesn't trust people easily, so this means the world to me. And I know things can get pretty dangerous, if I start thinking like that; the world _can't_ revolve around Kensi. At least, my happiness shouldn't. But I am, happy, I mean. Because somehow, what I did today made her see me from another angle. One she seems to appreciate more than she used to until now.

"You wanna go somewhere and grab a beer, or a burger, anything ?", I burst out without thinking.

"I thought you were tired", she replies, cocking her head to the side, looking at me from under her lashes.

"I am. But like I said, it was a rough day, and I think we both need to relax. You could come over to my place, I have beers and leftovers of the lasagnas I cooked last night."

"Are you trying to lure me into a trap ?", Kensi asks me with a smile. "I'm not easy, if you were under that impression. I don't go to some guy's place like that, even if said guy is my partner". But then my face must look even paler than before because she quickly adds, "Hey, I'm kidding, Deeks. I'm hungry. I could be persuaded into having dinner with you, if you pay."

"I know just the ideal place", I reply, smiling too. That tends to happen a lot around her, these days. "Shall we ?", I say, offering her my arm.

"Seriously, Deeks ?", she says, though she loops her arm with mine anyway. "You're really a weird guy."

"Don't girls like romanticism, chivalry and all that stuff ?"

"Not every girl. And your floppy hair doesn't fit in the knight in shining armor thing. But the attempt is sweet."

She smiles at me, and I swear my heart is just about to pop out of my chest. That girl shouldn't be allowed to smile, because even at night, it could light up a room. She's turning me into a sap and I don't even want to have my way with her. Well, she's gorgeous so of course I'd like to, but that's not the immediate plan, you get it ? Maybe under other circumstances I would have, like that night I took her and Callen to _Balm_. She was _freaking_ _hot_ and if I had been there for fun, let me tell you one thing; I'd have pulled her into a corner and made her forget her own name. But it's not how we met, and now we're partners and any wild, fast and furious encounter is out of the league. Such a pity.

I'm rummaging through my pockets to get my car keys when she stops dead in tracks and takes her arm back. "We're going to take my car. I've still not decided _yet_ if I trust you enough to bring me home _after_. I want a way out."

"You think I'm gonna make you drink and bring you to my place ? Actually, that could de fun."

"Deeks, do not ruin this moment, okay ? I'm letting you take me out so enjoy it. But I'm driving; you'll just give me the directions."

I take her to a small restaurant in a secluded area, far away from those fancy places in Beverly Hills that most girls I date want to go to. But Kensi is not like one of these girls – and she's not one of them either, since she's not my girlfriend, so she doesn't seem to mind. There are not so many people because it's already 10 p.m on a week day so we get to actually talk for once, and not just speak. She carefully avoids the subject of today's op, never mentioning the words _Russians_, _black_ _book_ or _spy,_ and weirdly, I'm fine with it; like really fine.

We talk about our partnership – and this time, she pays attention to her choice of words and does say partnership and not _relationship_. She tells me she needs time to trust people, to open up to them, but that now she knows she can let me in. She doesn't say it _that way_, of course; she dances around things, jokes about it, punches me lightly on the shoulder, but I get it. I get what she means and I know she knows I understood, so she just smiles at me again and those perfect white teeth and rosy lips are gonna be the death of me.

It's midnight when we leave the restaurant, but the night is so nice I suggest going on a walk on the beach.

"You're trying to seduce me ?", Kensi asks me, "because this sounds like something people in rom-coms would do."

"I grew up in L.A, the beach is more of a home to me than any place else. I love the ocean", I tell her. "Look, Kensi, I know you think I'm stupid but I want to make sure you're okay. You had several drinks and I don't want you to drive right now. You don't trust me to bring you home so we could just sit on the sand and enjoy the night."

"You're not stupid."

"Thanks, I guess."

"You're a nice guy. And I do trust you. I only said that because I love my car and I would never leave it in a parking lot for the entire night!"

She smirks and I think I must be rubbing off on her too, because she looks just like me doing that. We walk down the beach which is totally desert by the time – it's late November, after all, and even brave couples don't come to the beach for romantic things at that time of the year.

We sit down, our shoulders and legs close, but still not touching, and the fresh ocean breeze feels so good on my face I think I could just lie down and fall asleep. But then I catch a glimpse of Kensi slightly trembling from the corner of my eye.

"You cold ?"

"No", she replies, naturally. When does Kensi ever admit any weakness, uh ?

"You look like you're cold", I insist. "Here, take my jacket. Take it or I'll put it on you by force", I say when she resists.

She drapes it around her shoulders and stares resolutely at the ocean. "Thanks, Deeks."

"No problem", I shrug off. "It's my job to have your back."

"We're not at work."

"You're my partner, Kensi", I tell her, my voice low and my eyes on her, though she still doesn't look at me. "Even after you cross the threshold of the bullpen. You don't stop existing to me because we're not at OSP."

"I know", she says, so softly I barely hear her, "you're here, aren't you ? You're making sure I'm fine though I told you thousands time I was. You're a good guy, Marty Deeks."

"Is this gonna get sentimental ? Because if it does, I have to warn you, I don't do tears very well. I'll pat your back awkwardly, I don' t have tissues –"

She giggles. Kensi Blye actually does giggle. It's so light I'm not even sure at first the sound is coming from her, but then I see her lips tugging upwards and I know it's instantly mirroring on my own face. She turns to fully face me, her bent knees touching my left leg, and she stares at me right in the eye.

"It's all these little things you do, those jokes you make all the time, that…", she starts, but then she averts my gaze by turning back to the ocean. When she goes on, her voice is just a whisper. "It helped me through the day. I was in that room and all I could think about to calm down was you trying to impress us with Monty. So, no, I'm not gonna cry and say you're a sweet guy, but I just thought you should know I've grown to tolerate your presence and the advantages it brings."

That's it again, the banter, the jokes. We do that quite a lot; it eases the tension, helps us bonding. _It's us_. And I kinda like the idea of us.

Kensi shivers again and without thinking – that tends to happen a lot too, unfortunately sometimes – I reach out to her, pulling her to my side.

You know when you're on your computer and then you spill your soda on it, or press on several buttons at the same time and the screen goes blank and reads _Fatal Error_ ? Well, that's what I thought would happen. For a second, I close my eyes, anticipating the punch Kensi should give me for daring to touch her like this.

But it doesn't come. So I open my eyes again to see her leaning into me, and I rub my hand up and down her arm. And then, I'm not sure if I'm daydreaming – do you say daydream when it's night but you're still awake, I wonder – or not, but I hope I'm not; she lets out that tiny little _moan_. Just as if she were enjoying snuggling up to me. But I don't dare make a comment; on the one hand, because I'm not even sure she did, and also because she would kill me.

"_This is not happening_, okay, Deeks ?", she finally says. "You're dreaming, okay ? I'm not in your arms. You're just – warming me up. No innuendo."

"I wouldn't have it any other way."

"Good."

She yawns, so I look down at her and ask, "You wanna go home now ?"

Kensi shakes her head no. "No. I don't know, but – I've never really been a beach girl, but I don't wanna leave. It's weird, isn't it ?"

"It's because of the company", I tell her confidently. "Nice place, _nice guy_, every girl falls for it."

"That must be it, yeah", she snorts, but still, I can feel her leaning in closer. She must be really cold. "It's really a nice beach."

"That hurts, partner!", I say, putting a hand over my heart. Her head is just by there and I contemplate the idea of stroking her hair away from her face, but her voice interrupts me.

"Don't even think about it, Deeks. I'm tired, but not enough not to hear what's going on inside that disturbed mind of yours."

"So what am I thinking about right now, Ms. Know-it-all ?"

"You think this is nice. You like this little cuddling thing. But I'm not cuddling you, I'm just cold. Partners don't cuddle. We're just sharing body heat because we have some deep sense of loyalty towards each other, you get it ?"

"You do know that the best way to share body heat is to get undressed, right ?"

"Like I'm gonna take off my clothes in the middle of the winter", she snorts again. Did I tell you that Kensi is a very classy kind of girl ?

"We're in L.A.", I say like it means something in itself. "Winter is just a bit less sunny than spring. And you were the one to mention body heat in the first place."

"Deeks, shut up, will you ?", Kensi tells me between yawns.

"That's it, I'm taking you home."

I get up and try to lift her by grabbing her hand, but Kensi does weigh a little bit more than a feather, you see. And she doesn't seem ready to leave.

"I might be cold, but I kinda like it here. Can't we just stay a bit longer ?", she pleads, and how am I supposed to resist her ? After all, it's not like I want to go home and spend the night alone, with my dog, either. Being with Kensi is way better.

She never tells me why she likes it here so much. She doesn't tell me either why she keeps on insisting she wants to stay even though she yawns so much she could break her jaw.

And next thing I know, her breathing is slowing down and the breeze on my face makes me sleepy. And then I don't remember much.

I wake up first, this time. I'm quite cold and my back hurts like hell; you should always have a good night of sleep in a comfy bed after almost being blown up by an explosion, but I've never felt any better.

Kensi is snuggled up to my side, her hands tucked between her chest and my ribs, her head on my shoulder. I can see the scratches on her skin from when we landed on the ground, but apart from that, she looks good. She doesn't seem to be cold, and it's probably because she's still wearing my jacket and her denim-clad legs are tangled with mine; and it might also be because I have my arm securing her close to me.

The sun is setting so I guess we haven't just dozed off for a few minutes. But I can't go back to sleep. I can't let Kensi catch a cold when she's already injured enough after yesterday. So I gently rub my hand down her arm, trying not to upset her, because come on, you know she's gonna freak out the moment she opens her eyes.

She proves me wrong, again. She just blinks her beautiful eyes a few times and smiles lazily at me before rolling onto her back, crushing my arm on the process. But I don't care.

"I'll tell the guys you put something in my drink and tried to have your way with me on the beach if you ever mention this, you know that ?"

"That's why I intend to keep this to ourselves."

"Good boy. Buy me a coffee and then I'm taking you home – to _your_ home, Deeks!", she adds quickly and nudges my ribs for good measure.

I just laugh and watch her getting up and rubbing her hands on her jeans to take off the sand. Then she turns to me and cocks an eyebrow, clearly aware of the fact that I was staring at her behind.

"It's the second time in two days you look at my ass. You're such a perv, Deeks", she laughs as she reaches out her hand to help me get up. "You thought I hadn't noticed yesterday ? Pff, guys!"

She tugs at my sleeve and almost walks me to her car, but the smile on my face doesn't wear off. I think it's not the last time I'm gonna spend the night with Kensi.

And definitely not the last one I'll check out her ass. Come on, she has a great body, who wouldn't ?


	3. Chapter 3

The third time Kensi and I fall asleep side by side, we make it to my couch – and that's a real progress. Or rather, Kensi drags me there. She has a very _handsy_ approach of things as I am sure you had guessed. She punches me, she tugs at my sleeves to make me walk faster, she uses me as a bait when guns are drawn…The girl is all over my body.

But not that night. Not that she would any other night, because even if things have gotten way better between us for the past few months… You get what I mean, right ? Let's say that she doesn't have any kinky, wild ideas in mind while doing that. Because I think that Kensi is the kind of girl who likes it… Yeah, I know, _get a grip_, Deeks.

She has her arm around my waist to support me – I didn't need it, but she insisted – and then she carefully helps me sit on the couch. It's weird, how she can be all sweet and tender sometimes. But let's go back to the beginning; after all, it's the best place to start a story.

Things were kinda awkward at OSP today. The perfect dream team – aka Sam and Callen, has been quietly falling apart. Sam is still struggling with that undercover mission he had in prison with his friend, and it's taking a toll on the entire team because we all feel for him. But it got even worse because Callen did that lone wolf thing, and he is a great master at it; even Hetty told him he shouldn't let us down like that. We are guys so we don't talk about our feelings like that, but I'm sure Sam would've wanted Callen to be a bit more supportive. To be there, physically at least, instead of going on that personal little vendetta of his. Seriously, who locks people in their trunk and drives on the freeway like everything is perfectly normal ?

But in the end, they made up and lived happily ever after – this is not helping that bromance rumor going on, is it ? And it leads me to Kensi. I'm _always_ back to her, aren't I ? That girl has got a hold on me, I don't know how she does that. But anyway, we're there, looking at our friends sharing this blissful moment of forgiveness and brotherly vibe, and I ask her if she thinks we'll ever be that happy. And you know what she replies ?

She says _yes_. But not together. Kensi has the best way to keep you on your toes. But let me tell you one thing: I'm making it my number one priority to prove her wrong.

I think it can work, this _partnership_. Because our _relationship_ is growing too. We spent Christmas together, and even if Kensi keeps saying that the day doesn't mean a thing to her now, it does for me. And you don't spend a day like that with someone who means nothing to you. I know she was glad in the end, and I'm not complaining or anything; I know she _likes_ me – as a friend. And I know she had a great time. But it wouldn't hurt if she could admit it.

Not that I am this keen on admitting things either. Because I have to say I like her too. And _maybe_ not in a brotherly way, even though I told her earlier she was like my sister. Yeah, a sister that would turn me into an incestuous freak for sure. Or maybe some kind of step-sister I would've met as an adult, you know; no blood relation, no happy memories of childhood spent sharing baths or dancing together naked in the garden. I _never_ did that, just so you know.

Anyway, back to my _plan_. We're all back at OSP at the end of the day and Sam and Callen head out for a nice buddy night. Kensi and I must be telepathically linked because we both decline the invitation when they offer us to join them; I guess we both thought they needed that time alone. But above all, since Kensi says she has a date with Bridget Jones and ice-cream, I know she has no plans for tonight.

I must admit it, my mind has been filled with certain pictures since we went to that club. Kensi was supposed to be a fortune-teller, a _really_ sexy one, if I may, and for once, her dress wasn't so _offending_. But to me, she was absolutely stunning. She was the perfect combination of hotness and style. And I would love to see her in that dress again.

So I ask her nicely. After all, I'm a nice guy, I _do_ have manners. "So, are you really committed to Bridget or can you reschedule ?"

"It depends on what you got in store", she replies, leaning against her desk, her arms crossed over her chest. "I wouldn't trade Darcy for just anything or _anyone_."

"You got a thing for Brits ? I went undercover as a Lord, once, you know", I tease her, though this last part is true. If you consider dressing up as some guy from _the Lord of the Rings_ for a date with a nerd girl. In my defense, she was hot, if you don't mind the weirdness. And it was some sort of undercover mission, since I told her my name was Kyle. Sounds pretty broken, right ?

"Your point, Deeks ?", she asks, cocking an eyebrow at me.

I could go on just a bit longer, until she rolls her eyes – because that's something she does quite a lot when I annoy her, and I _live_ for that. "You and me, a beer, a few shots. I sometimes go to _this bar_ – I'm sure you'll like it."

Well, truth be told, that's a lie; it looks like the _Coyote Ugly_ – it's my favorite movie, but do _not,_ _ever,_ tell Kensi. I reckon any guy would love it, but I'm not sure it's Kensi's idea of fun. That would be _mine_ – Kensi singing and dancing on stage. In a very short outfit, if possible. And maybe a remake of that scene in _Flashdance_. You just know which one I'm talking about. After all, it's my fantasy, she can do whatever I want. God, I'd be dead if she could read my mind.

"Okay", she shrugs off. "I'll just put my stuff in my locker and then we can take your car."

"_Actually_", I start, and she immediately spots the gleam in my eye, "I had something else in mind." I let the innuendo hang in the air before going on, "Maybe you could dress up a bit."

"Dress up _for you_ ? Why would I do that ?"

"Because you love it when I'm drooling over you ?", I suggest, and here it is, the rolling of the eyes I've come to adore. "I don't know, Kensi. I just figured you might want to get ready, put on some make-up for someone nice and not a suspect for once."

I can see she's contemplating it. And I have to say I appreciate it when she doesn't contradict me about being a nice guy.

"If I have to put on a dress, then I want the whole package. You _are_ taking me out for dinner. And just so you know, high heels are not comfy so if I have to wear them for the entire night, you really should choose a _nice_ restaurant. You pick me up in an hour ?"

I nod and she leaves, but not before sending me a quizzical last look. She thinks she has the upper hand here, but she's wrong. I don't care how much money I have to spend tonight, because like she said, _I'm taking her out_. She doesn't realize it just yet, but she basically asked me _to ask her_ on a date. Because in my book, a girl who gets ready to go out with you for dinner and a drink, well, she's kinda into you. And that's fine, since I'm into Kensi too.

I'm at her place early, for once, so I stay in my car, my eyes focused on her window. It can sound a bit stalkish of me, but after all, she is the one who let the blinds open, and I can't help the grin on my lips as I see her running from room to room as she knows she's running out of time.

I never thought Kensi would take this seriously, but here she is, her hair in a mess, a dress in each hand, pondering on which one to wear. I would say the left one; a little emerald green thing with tiny straps, but I won't know which one until I knock on her door because I see her disappearing into what must be her bedroom. I just hope she didn't notice me, or she's never gonna let me hear the end of it.

I decide to give her a little rush and let her know I'm here. I grab my phone and call her.

"_Hey, Deeks, what's up ?"_

"I just wanted to tell you I'm leaving my place, so I should be there in 5."

"_Oh, okay", _and I hear her sharp intake of breath_. "No problem. I'm almost ready."_

I wait patiently, watching the minutes pass by on my watch until I can't take it anymore. She hasn't re-emerged from her room so I don't know if she's ready or not, but I lock my car and walk towards her door. I smirk as I come closer, because now I can see that her living-room is a real mess. There are clothes on her couch, magazines, take-outs on her coffee table…And I'm sure Kensi wouldn't want me to see this, because she _just_ knows I'd tease her about it. So I turn back and hide behind a tree, and I send her a quick text, telling her that there's a trunk driving slowly in front of me and that I'm gonna be a little late.

I wait five more minutes and then I go back to her door. Now I'm getting a bit anxious because as laid-back as people think I am, I'm still at my _partner's_ door, about to take her out. And even if she'll deny tooth and nail for the rest of her life that this night really happened, I still want her to enjoy it.

I knock tentatively at her door and she opens it barely seconds after, and even if I should have prepared myself, I'm just left _speechless_ and gaping like an idiot. Because there's a huge difference between this dress in Kensi's hands and then on her body. It hangs to every curve, and let me tell you something: Nature has been _very_ good to Kensi.

"Just give me a minute to get my hair done and then I'm yours", she says, but I don't move, nor do I speak. "Deeks ? Don't space out on me!"

"Your hair's perfect", I manage to say, though my eyes are drifting lower.

"Oh, thank you. We're out then", she tells me, and I see the faintest blush creeping up her skin. "Where are you taking me ?"

I'm so focused on her dress I don't even reply until she repeats it for the second time. I wasn't even this cheesy when I was a teenager, so the guys must be right; there's definitely something wrong with me. But Kensi really, _really_ looks beautiful so it's not my fault. I don't understand how she can be so relaxed about this; I feel like I'm the main character in that TV show, you know, the guy who tells his kids the story of how he met their mother. I always mock him because he's so sentimental even his friends tease him about it, but right now, I'm even worse than him. We're not even on a date and I feel like tonight is _the_ night, like I must make a good impression because it's gonna be the deciding factor of whether this partnership turns into a relationship or not.

Wow. When did it become so complicated ? It was just supposed to be two friends going out for a drink and now I'm thinking of how I'm gonna tell our kids about how I met their mother.

"You look good, by the way", I tell her once we're in my car, and I just want to knock my head against the steering wheel because this has to be the _lamest_ compliment _ever_. Kensi doesn't just look good, come on.

"That's what girls tend to do when _someone nice_ takes them out for dinner."

"How did you talk me into doing that ?", I ask, trying to make it sound like it's annoying me to make an effort for her.

"I think I had you with the promise of a dress and heels", she tells me confidently. "Though I don't think I really need to try to make you do what I want. Sam was right, you do need external validation and coddling. You're like a puppy waiting for someone to take care of him, you'd pick anyone."

I don't know why, but it doesn't make me smile, and for once, I have no joke to throw back. Maybe because Kensi is partly right. About me being head over heels just by imagining her in a dress. And her having me wrapped around her little finger.

And yeah, I want and _do_ need her to approve every little thing I do. I _need_ her to like me, because if she doesn't, if she's really serious when she mocks me or says I can go back to LAPD anytime, then I don't know what I'm gonna do. I like it here, at NCIS, and I like being partnered up with her. And I wouldn't trade her for just anyone either, even if she does think I'd go for any girl.

She isn't used to silence with me so she turns to face me, and although I'm focused on the road, I can see from the corner of my eye that she doesn't look at-ease at all.

"Deeks ? You do know I'm joking, right ?"

"Uh-huh."

"I'm serious, Deeks. I'm sorry if I let you think otherwise", she tells me, and she uses that soft tone again, the one she only seems to use when we're alone. When we are not at work, when she lets me see the real Kensi behind the tough Agent Blye.

Here I am again, thinking that I'm special and that I do know Kensi better than anyone else. That girl is gonna drive me insane, I'm warning you.

"Don't worry, Fern. Puppies come back even when you treat them badly. Something about _unconditional love_."

I turn to smile at her and she seems unsettled. I would love to say that my pearly whites are responsible for this, but I reckon that it's most definitely my last words. Kensi and feelings and confessions don't go too well together, and the cocktail gets even worse if you add Love in it. But I have to admit that I like it _a lot_; the pink shade of her cheeks, the way her brown orbs stare back at me, unfocused and confused.

I take her to a fancy Italian restaurant. And you know me, I can't resist it; so I order a huge plate of spaghetti for the both of us and tell her that if I'm a puppy, then I'm the Tramp and she's my Lady. Let me tell you that I'm grinning like a fool when she doesn't kick me for the use of the possessive pronoun.

But it's not the most important part of the story. The dinner goes nicely, but my plan was to bring her to the bar and let her real, inner Kensi comes out at dark. She is adorable with her cute dress but I'd rather spend the evening with my kick-ass partner who can drink more than me and still aims like a sniper. Not that I plan on taking her back to the bullpen to train in the firing range. Next time, maybe. _If_ there is a next one, I should say – one step at a time, don't push your luck too far, Deeks.

Yeah, I do call myself Deeks, but it's only because I'm so used to hearing people call me like this that my own first name does sound quite foreign to my ears.

Back to Kensi. You should have seen her eyes go wide when we entered the bar, it was priceless. Crystal, the blonde bartender, was putting on quite a show and if I hadn't been a sucker for a certain brunette, I would have drooled too, like most guys in the room. But I only had eyes for Kensi.

She immediately understands that I can be evil when I want, and that she got made by none other than her favorite puppy. But she stands a bit taller and holds her ground, even if she's overly dressed for the occasion; girls, and they are not so many, don't wear smart clothes here – they hardly wear clothes at all.

It doesn't take long before she begins enjoying herself and having fun. She even compliments Crystal on her little dance and I play the dumb card when she begins to tell me about Coyote Ugly, pretending that I don't know the movie. I look at her with a huge grin that she doesn't notice, or if she does, she must think I'm already drunk. Which I'm not. I'm just lightly buzzed.

And I guess it's the only explainable reason for why I do the next thing I do.

There's this guy. I've already seen him here a couple of times but I never really talked to him. People know me here, and I don't often talk to strangers – maybe because I'm more focused on hitting on the cute bartender, but that was before. The new Marty Deeks I am now is available for one woman and one only.

The absolutely hot woman sitting across from me, who is being hit on by the very same guy.

Let me tell you something: the guy sucks at the fine art of flirting. Because you don't just come to a girl with flavored condoms in your hand, asking her if she wants to try them out with you.

I'm not saying that it's not convenient that there is a vending machine in the bar, because it can come in handy when you're in a rush. Not that it ever happened to me, I'm always _ready_. But usually, you wait until the moment the girl seems interested to buy them.

The guy doesn't. So Kensi nicely tells him that she's flattered, really, but that she's having a nice night and that she's not interested. When he insists, she adds that she's already _taken_. You can't even begin to imagine what those words do to me, because even if she only says that so the guys will give up and leave, I like the feeling I get just by hearing her saying she is with me.

_Give me a minute and then I'm yours_, that's what she told me earlier, and maybe the memory and the alcohol don't make a good combination because I'm getting really annoyed by the guy. Because he keeps on insisting, you see. He must love being rejected because there's no way girls end up changing their minds with a guy this exasperating.

I see that Kensi is just about to kick him in the groin, but that's not what normal girls do. So she controls the anger boiling up inside her.

But I _don't_. I _can't_.

When the guy tells her that she shouldn't dress up like a whore if she doesn't put out – seriously, in which world does he think that insulting a woman will make her go home with him ? – I see red. Literally.

Because my fist moves by its own volition and meets his nose, _loudly_. I hear the cartilage break into pieces. Kensi's eyes grow bigger and she lets out that little shriek. But I don't really have time to pay attention because he sends me a strong right hook in the jaw and next thing I know, I'm spitting blood on the floor.

The owner kicks the guy out – people here know I'm a cop, so no one is gonna blame me for defending _my girl_. Then he's bringing a pack of ice that Kensi takes from his hands, and she comes closer to me and applies it gently on my face.

And that's when I see it. Behind the obvious care – after all, I just punched a guy for her and my face must look like hell, and the annoyance, because Kensi Marie Blye wouldn't be herself if she didn't yell at me for acting like a Neanderthal who thinks she can't take care of herself because she's a girl; there's _something else_.

It's her biting her lip combined with her dilated pupils that give her away. Kensi Blye, my partner, is _turned on_.

I don't know if it's the blood, or my rugged look; if it's because I punched a guy to defend her virtue or if it's all of the above. But she _is_ looking at me with a look she never gave me.

"Does it hurt ?", she asks softly.

"A bit."

"Good. That was a very stupid thing to do", she adds quickly, but then her tone comes out way more tender, "But that was nice all the same, my _personal_ knight in shining jeans."

So she did notice I put on new jeans ? Good to know. And she called me her knight, so does it make her my princess ? I don't ask but I smile like an idiot again.

"Let me take a look at your hand", she says, and her long, delicate fingers on my skin just send heat all over my body. "It's gonna hurt most likely. I can't take you anywhere, can I ?"

But she's smiling while saying it, so I don't mind. Then she says that we should head home and I like it too much, the way the word sounds coming from her. _Home_. I know she means my place or hers, but since she doesn't clarify, I can give it the meaning I want, can't I ?

She drives my car, and it's one of the hottest sights I've ever seen. And I'll never understand how women can drive with shoes like the ones she's wearing.

And that's how we end up back at my place, Kensi dragging me as we climb up the stairs leading to my apartment. It's the first time Kensi has ever come in, because we usually part ways after our 'partner-bonding' nights out.

She drags me to the couch and sits me there and then, just as if she knew where everything is in my house, she walks around and fetches ice, clean towels and even a t-shirt.

"Give me your shirt", she tells me as she puts the t-shirt in my hands. "I should clean up the blood before it dries, or it'll be a nightmare to take it off." I just give her the weirdest look so Kensi sighs and puts her hands on her hips. "Don't be a baby about it and just take off your shirt already!"

I slowly unbutton my shirt and I don't miss the appreciative look Kensi gives me, even if she quickly averts my gaze when I lift my face up to look at her and give her my shirt. There might still be alcohol in my system, but I'm sure I'm not making stuff up. I must remember that Kensi seems to love effusion of testosterone. Might be useful someday.

I watch her as she scrubs my shirt in my kitchen sink and I can't deny it, my eyes linger just somewhere around her behind because even though her legs look like they could go on forever, perched on those scary heels, her dress just seems to have been made for her, molding her body perfectly. Don't even get me started on her chest, because I could go on for hours. I'm a pig, so what, sue me. I'm a man and I have eyes, that's all.

Kensi comes back to me and sits down next to me, and then she replaces my fingers with hers on the ice pack.

"It doesn't look good."

"Thanks", I snort.

"I'm talking about the bruise, not your face. You know you –", she starts before closing her lips firmly shut.

"I _what_ ? I look ravishingly handsome ?", I tease her.

"Something like that, I guess."

I wasn't expecting something like that. A joke, a smart retort; Kensi playing along and ending up mocking me. But Kensi admitting I look good ? Blame it on the alcohol. Though now I come to think of it, Kensi didn't really drink that much.

She traces my jaw delicately with her fingers and I can't help but close my eyes under her touch. She wipes blood from the corner of my mouth with a tissue and holds it there softly, applying pressure without hurting me.

"You know I don't need anyone to protect me", she finally says after minutes of this comfortable silence.

"Yeah. Sorry", I sigh, opening my eyes to look back at her. "I didn't want to make you feel like a damsel in distress. I just – no one gets to talk to you like that. _Ever_."

"This is a complication."

"What is ?"

"You shouldn't – you _can't_ feel like that", she tells me, her voice so low I almost have to read-lip her. And staring at her lips doesn't help my self-control. "What if I have to seduce a suspect and he gets a little rough with me ? You're gonna blow the op to teach him a lesson ?"

"I'd never do that. We weren't at work, Kensi."

"I hope you won't", she just replies, looking down at her lap. "Because you're a good partner. And I don't want _this_ to end."

"I won't ruin things", I promise, and since alcohol makes me quite bold, I tip up her chin with my unharmed hand. "I'm not saying I'll always like what I have to witness, but I won't ever do anything that could separate us. But once we're out of OSP, if anyone talks to you like that guy did, I can't promise you I won't punch again. And I _won't_ make that promise. You _are_ beautiful, and you really look classy and elegant. So, no, I won't let some jerk tell you otherwise. Not under my watch."

Good choice of words, because she finally smiles. It's a tiny smile that barely tugs at her lips, but it's there anyway.

"Now, admit it – I look hot when I'm rugged, uh ?"

"Don't push your luck too far, Deeks", she tells me as she rolls her eyes. But she also sits just a little bit closer to me. "But you do look less and less like Malibu Ken. That's a huge progress."

We laugh and when our eyes meet again, I can sense she is aware of the changes between us too. We're joking, there's still this easy banter, but there's definitely something else now.

There's no denying it. Because when she starts yawning, I offer her to stay for the night and she accepts without fussing over it. She doesn't complain either when I give her one of my old Law school t-shirts and a pair of oversized pajamas pants she has to roll down several times before they fit.

We don't get to discuss the sleeping arrangements, because we settle down in front of the TV and soon enough, Kensi's head ends up on my shoulder. And next thing I know, there's melted ice on my carpet where I must have let the ice-pack slip from my hand during the night. I'm lying on my back and Kensi is curled into my side, her body pressed between the back of the couch and me, and she's almost shoving me to the floor but I don't care.

And even though I thought Kensi would go back to her kick-ass self after the alcohol dissipated, she doesn't. When she wakes up, she tells me that I'm not just a puppy, but also a great pillow. And then she nuzzles her face back into my neck and falls asleep again.


	4. Chapter 4

**This one is a glimpse of 3x01 _"Lange, H."_. I inserted a missing scene featuring them spending the night in the warehouse before saving Hetty. After all, have you ever noticed that those people seem to live on coffee and never actually sleep ? Who do they think they are, Jack Bauer ?**

* * *

At some point, I must say I lost track of the number of times Kensi and I have ended up in bed together. Because yeah, _backseat_, _beach_ and _couch_ may be nice, but a bed is actually better. And more comfortable, and it also provides much more space.

We don't talk about it, it just comes naturally. Because on the first night it happens, I'm in no shape to spend the night the way we've done until now; falling asleep next to each other in the weirdest places.

It happened on my first night back home after I got shot, and Kensi insisted on spending it with me; just to make sure I was fine, or at least, that's what she told the guys. Part of me likes to think she kinda loved my hero act, stepping out of my hospital bed and running to save her life, re-opening my bullet wounds in the process. But it was worth it. She took care of me and entertained me to make me forget about the pain and when it was time to go to bed, she just slipped underneath the sheets with me without a word. We each took a side of the bed but inevitably woke up tangled in each other's warmth, her legs nudged between mine, her arms draped around my neck and torso and mine around her too. There was this short moment of awkwardness and embarrassment when our eyes opened to meet the other's gaze locked with our own, but then we just shrugged it off; after all, getting shot and almost losing your partner can make anyone quite emotional.

At least, that's what we told ourselves to explain why none of us was upset when waking up to the other's body pressed against ours.

Then it happened again. After a long day, a rough case; and sometimes just because we would have gone out for drinks and one of us was in no state to drive home. Or we would watch a movie, go to a game. _Bonding_, yeah. There was this night I went to her place for the first time, after the Stanley King case, with burger, smoothie and beers. And a couple of weeks after that, she was angry at me – it might have been on me _for once_, because I _kinda_ kissed another girl in front of the team, so she invited me over and forced me into watching Titanic. And then the bonus disc with the audio commentaries and all that stuff.

Like I said, it happened quite a lot, so I don't really see the point in telling you all about it.

But then, far away from the comfort of our beds, we spent a cold night, scared of the outcome of our trip to the ends of the earth. Well, to Prague first, and then to Romania. But that's quite far away and it isn't like we went there for fun.

We've set our headquarter in some old, abandoned warehouse. It's dusty and cold and dirty and even junkies wouldn't come to spend the night here, but it's perfect for an escape if we need it, or an ambush. And since we're there operating outside the authority of NCIS, we don't really get to pull the five-star hotel card. So there's no awesome beds, no room-service and definitely no toilet facilities. And let me tell you something: Romania is _cold_, and the simple idea of taking a shower tomorrow at dawn down on the beach because we don't want to draw attention on us isn't really thrilling to me.

Our first day in Romania hasn't been easy either. Kensi and I let Sam deal with Callen on that beach earlier, because our little family vacation has taken a whole new extent. Something about Callen's past. Something about Hetty coming here in the first place to protect him. Complicated stuff.

Callen and Sam are taking the first watch, so it gives Kensi and I four hours of rest until it's our turn. But none of us can drift into sleep. The warehouse doesn't provide any good place to sleep and bad habits are hard to kick out so we're back on the backseat of one of the old cars in there, although this time I'm sitting down, my back to the door, and Kensi is lying between my legs.

There's silence between us but I know she's not sleeping. I've come to learn the difference between how her breathing sounds when she's on the verge of sleep or when she's in deep. We have a blanket draped around us and Kensi's fists are clenched into the front, holding it close to her chest, but I can still feel her shiver so I rub my hands up and down her arms in a vain attempt to warm her up.

She moves her body closer to me, her back pressed against my chest as much as humanly possible, and she turns and lifts her head that was against my shoulder to look up at me.

"Thanks, Deeks", she whispers in my neck, her breath tickling me in the most exquisite way.

And though it's really not the most appropriate time, my mind keeps playing _very_ inappropriate fantasies of other circumstances under which she could be doing just that. Among other things, naturally. The good thing about me is that I can be really focused, even in time of need. Kensi and I, in any way, will always be my number one priority. Getting a good night of sleep, saving Hetty and going home come closely after though.

Kensi is still shaking so I suppose that sometimes, extreme situations require extreme measures. I tentatively let my hands slide down her sides, and when she doesn't protest – she could have me on the ground calling out my mom in a second, even in the position she's in right now if she really didn't want me to do that – I wrap my arms around her, hoping that it'll be enough to stop the shaking. She bends her knees and hugs them to her and turns around a bit so I can see her face.

"What's on your mind ?", I ask her, not mentioning the fact that she is willingly letting me hug her, though I'd really want to point it out. "Cold has never prevented you from falling asleep."

"It's nothing, really."

"It has to be, since it's bothering you. Come on, Kens, you can tell me anything", I say coaxingly, "You don't have to put out the brave act on me."

"I'm just worried – _concerned_ about Callen. And Hetty, obviously, but earlier today, Callen seemed so…"

"_Lost_ ?", I try and she nods. "I guess it has to be the hardest – not knowing who you _are_, I mean. Makes it hard to trust people, to know who you can confide in. It's hard for everybody but I can't even begin to imagine how it must feel."

"Yeah…", she sighs, "I'm just scared – I don't really care if I got hurt or if I die because _this_, this is the right thing to do. But I'm afraid Callen might…_lose his way_. He's never gonna talk about it, he will keep going on with that lone wolf act when he could really use a friend right now."

"Don't worry about it, Kens", I tell her in what I hope to be a soothing tone as my grip on her tightens. "I'm sure that when he feels like talking, he'll come to us. Sam, you, Hetty…It doesn't really matter when or who he comes to; we just have to let him know we'll be there when he does."

"Looks _and_ wisdom, who would have ever thought that of you ?", Kensi laughs, her mischievous eyes locked with mine as a smirk tugs at her lips, "Romania is good for you."

"Oh God, I already miss L.A."

"I miss my bed."

"I miss you in my bed."

She smacks me on the chest, but it's more playful than anything. "Don't say things like that."

"What ? It's true. Monty is cool – and don't tell him I said that, but…_you_ are my favorite sleep buddy."

Kensi rolls her eyes and I just _know_ she has a smart retort on the tip of her tongue – said tongue which is the main part of most of my wildest dreams, now I come to think of it; but she doesn't say a thing. She just leans back against me, her head on my shoulder and she stretches her legs, tucking them between mine as her hands come to rest on top of mine on her stomach.

"We're not so bad here", she says softly as her eyes start fluttering close, "It can't always be exotic countries and sun and the whole package, but…It's the _company_ that matters the most."

"So, you wouldn't trade Romania and me for, let's say – DiCaprio and a cruise ?", I tease her.

"Nope."

"You're afraid of sinking and dying in the icy ocean ?"

"No. Leo is just not as hot as he used to", she replies between two yawns.

"So that means I _am_ hot ?" She is the one who pulled it out on me, I just _couldn't_ let it pass without a comment.

"I guess you're something between cool and hot. Since you're _neither_", Kensi says, a huge grin stretching on her lips. "You didn't see that one coming, huh ?"

"Oh, that was mean, _Fern_. Toying with me like that – using me as your makeshift pillow, sucking the warmth out of me and then you go and cut me down…"

"It's just human nature, Deeks. If only one of us has to survive, then it's gonna be me. No offense."

"None taken. I've always known you would have let Jack freeze to death to save your butt. But I don't blame you, it's a _great_ butt", I whisper in her ear and she jerks up into a more sitting position.

She turns to look at me, and her blinking lashes combined with that surprised pout on her lips are just too much for me. I almost lean in to fill the small gap between our mouths, but I find it in me – where, I don't know, to _stop_.

Because this isn't right. I shouldn't be kissing Kensi like that, not now. Not when we don't know if Hetty is still alive, or if she'll be when we find her. Because Callen, our friend, is hurting. Because we have to rest to achieve this little rescue mission. There's also the tiny problem about us having no back-up, or the fact that our careers are at risk since we all surrendered our badges. Well, not mine since I'm not actually NCIS, but if Kensi goes down, I will too.

_You jump I jump, remember_ ? If there's one thing that movie has taught me, it's that. Kensi and I, we _are_ a team. The guys, Hetty, Eric and Nell, and us, we are a team too, but Kensi and I, we're something else. Something _more_.

"You spend too much time looking at my butt, Deeks. That's not healthy."

"It's not the only part of you I can spend hours admiring. And I'm not talking about your…", I mumble, gesturing to her chest. "I can't help it. Is it my fault if you are –"

"Don't say it", she whispers, now fully facing me, kneeling between my legs. "It's not the time nor the place for –"

"Why not ? Tomorrow at the same hour, we might be dead. So why can't I say one last time that you are absolutely beautiful ?"

"Because", she simply says, the slightest blush coloring her cheeks.

"That's not a reason and you know it", I assert, searching for her eyes that she resolutely focus on her lap. I take the blanket that isn't covering her anymore and drapes it around her back before pulling her to me, but she resists. "Don't fight me, Kens", I say, my voice low and lost in her tousled curls.

She finally lets me pull her close and that puts her on my lap, and I feel her shifting slightly so she's straddling one of my legs, her upper body pressed against me, her hands gripping the collar of my shirt.

Now I take a second to think about it, I finally understand that she might not _only_ be shivering from cold; my brave, tough, kick-ass partner that everyone thinks of as the most _fearless_ person in the world _is_ scared. Scared of me, of _us_; of being here, of what may or not happen tomorrow. Scared of how Callen would handle it, if something happened to Hetty.

And she doesn't want me to say that I want her to know how beautiful she is in case we don't make it. Yeah, sometimes, I should really think before talking.

"Hey, hey, Kens, it's okay. You're pretty today and you'll still be tomorrow because nothing is gonna happen to us, okay ? _Everything is gonna be fine_."

"I – I don't want to be scared, but I can't help it. What if – what if we can't save Hetty ? What if what Callen finds out about his past destroys him ? We can't lose them both. They're…No one would dare cross Hetty and Callen – the guy is a living legend! What are we gonna do ? What if this whole mission is gonna change everything and –"

She rambles, but she's adorable. But it's making me sad too, because no matter how important it is to me that Kensi would open up and let me see her like this, I just can't stand the idea of her being paralyzed by fear or worry.

There's something about dark that always leads Kensi to more intimacy, _confessions_. I know she'll deny it when sun rises, but right now, I truly appreciate just how much of her heart she's letting me see. People wouldn't say first that Kensi is a kind girl; she's strong, she's determined; hot, lethal, stubborn…But I know her, and she's also this sweet, loving person that cares about her friends, that would travel the world to make them safe. She has such a big heart it's consuming her, the weight on her chest so heavy she's left trembling in my arms, something that would have never happened months ago.

Something that would never happen in broad light.

I lift a hand to her hair and stroke her head softly, even daring to let my lips brush the skin near her temple, as my other hand strokes back and forth down her back. Her hands clench tighter around my neck and I feel her face nuzzling against my skin, her quick breathing coming out in sharp intakes of breath that she has trouble regulating.

I feel guilty for forcing her to face all that stuff, because my teasing made her fall apart. But I'm also finding comfort in knowing that she's allowing me to help her out. To _get it right_.

I'm her puppy, I'm her pillow; I'm the blanket she grips at night when her demons come to chase her. Us, our relationship is the blanket that she can hide under when it's dark; the safe place where she can let it all out, where she can say that she's not always strong. The place where she knows it's okay to be a little less than fine from time to time.

I'm not saying that I'm happy to see her like this; it's just that I feel _privileged_ to be the one she finds comfort in. No matter if I was the one to hurt her in the first place. I'm grateful that of all people, she would choose me. Because now I feel like she starts giving and sharing too. It's not just about me trying to make her open up anymore; now Kensi comes to me because she _needs_ it.

Special Agent Kensi Marie Blye needs _me_. Or wants me by her side. Either way, that's something I wouldn't trade for anything else in the entire world.

Because that means that deep down, she _trusts_ me. And that means a lot more to me than all the stupid things I cared about before. Who wants to brag about charming their way into any girl's pants, or about their expensive car, when I can say that Kensi Blye placed her trust in _me_ ?

I don't know _when_, I can't say _how_, but at some point, Kensi has settled at the first step of the podium in my life. For good. She comes first; before justice – I did join LAPD for a reason, you know. Before surfing. Before sex. Before everything – _anything_.

And yeah, maybe I'll never get more. Maybe it's all I'll ever get – her trust, her friendship. But I guess that it could be enough. I'm not saying that I don't want more; it's just that it means a lot that she would trust me. And although I crave for more, I'll _have to_ be content with it.

"Deeks ?", she says, bringing me back to reality. She pulls back to look at me, and I spot the tiniest hint of traitorous tears in her eyes.

"Yeah, Princess ?"

"It feels nice to know I can talk to you and you won't think any less of me", she admits, her bottom lip gently caught between her teeth.

"Anytime."

"Exactly. You're _always_ here; anytime, anywhere. I call you in the middle of the night and you're here, I'm in harm's way and you're here…"

"Your point ?"

"You're really something, Marty Deeks", she simply says. And then she leans into me, and I swear my heart just skips a beat when she presses her lips on my cheek, her palm cupping the other.

I'm a sap, yeah, totally. I plead guilty without putting up a fight. Because Kensi's lips on me are the softest thing I've ever felt. It brings back memories of all the girls I've met, the ones I've kissed or slept with, or just even desired. And I think that if I had met Kensi first, none of them would have ever stood a chance. I've spent my entire adult life being a different guy, jumping from a cover to another, from a girl's bed to another, and in all those years, not even once have I regretted it. Because I was doing my job, and I had never promised anything to any of these girls.

And then there's Kensi.

The one I was looking for without knowing it, as cheesy as it might sound. The ultimate girl, _the only one_. The one you never find at your first try; you have to follow this path, meet all the wrong girls, wondering if the one you've just met will be the last.

So how can I know Kensi is the one, you might ask ? I just _do_. I feel it in every inch of my body. And _maybe_ my maddening beating heart has a say too.

And I just know because I can still feel the tingle on my skin when her lips leave my cheek. Just as if she had _branded_ me.

"Yeah, _really_ something", she repeats again, a small smile gracing her lips. Like I need her to look even more beautiful right now. Like I'm not already so head over heels I could kiss her senseless and never let go.

But we're lying on the backseat of an old car, in a dirty warehouse, somewhere in Romania. For a rescue mission. So you can forget about the romance right now.

"Don't look so shocked, Deeks. We're still _not_ partners with privileges", she mocks me, "It was just a tiny little _friendly_ kiss."

"But we're getting there, right ?", I tease her, gloating in the way she bites her lip again and averts my gaze when my hand reaches out to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear.

"Definitely not. Maybe in your dreams. But even in those, I wouldn't be assenting."

"Oh, but you are, that I can assure you", I tell her, and she just gives me a Hetty stern look. "What ? You can't control my dreams. _I_ can't either!"

"I'm not sure you're really making an effort to stop those, right ?"

"What about you ?", I throw back. "It's not like you don't enjoy spending the night with me. Who knows if I don't visit your dreams too ?"

"Then they would turn into nightmares", she throws back, going back to us, easing the tension, though she's still pretty close to me, completely forgetting about any notion of personal space.

"Yeah, because dreaming of wild sex with your _little brother_ is immoral and offending. But it doesn't prevent you from craving for it, right, Fern ?"

"You're a pig!", she snorts, but she doesn't deny it. Good to know.

"No I'm not, I'm a puppy. And girls love cuddling puppies. You wanna cuddle with me ?", I ask with my most innocent look as I blink my baby blues – those are deadly weapons when it comes to girls.

"If you promise it will make you shut up, then I'm in", Kensi replies, and she's failing ridiculously in her attempt to make it seem like she's reluctant.

But I play along. "Promise. Come back here", I say, opening my arms.

She turns around again and leans back into me. It's amazing how perfectly she molds into me, just like our bodies were meant to fit together. That would be a good argument to explain her why we're meant to be, by the way.

I spread the blanket over her and she gives me a questioning look. "I'm not cold. You take it."

"You sure ?", she asks me, and damn it if those brown, soft and concerned eyes will be the death of me someday soon.

"Yeah. I'm hot enough. You good ?"

"Mmmh", she just hums, one of her hands absentmindedly taking its place on my forearm, her fingers softly trailing up and down there. "Don't speak. Your breath is tickling me."

"Sorry", I say, adjusting until my chin rests on the top of her head.

I lift a hand to brush away her hair from my neck and touch a knuckle to her cheek. Kensi is slowly falling asleep but she still feels it. Her hand on my arm slides down until it meets my own there, and she laces her fingers with mine. I take it as a good sign and when I put my other arm back around her, I slowly slide my hand underneath the hem of her t-shirt, my fingers tentatively brushing her skin there.

This time, she actually _whimpers_. It's so low I could have missed it, but I don't. It's the kind of signs I've been looking for, for quite a long time, I must admit. Warning signs telling me that however far she will push me away if I try something, deep down, she wants it too.

She interrupts me, though, when my fingers get a bit more adventurous. My hand is fully resting on her taunt stomach, flicking lightly her belly-ring, when her muffled voice comes out from my chest, "Off, Deeks."

"Why ? You look pretty relaxed. I'd even say you're enjoying this sleepy sated feeling induced by my hands caressing your skin."

"Mmmh, whatever", she mumbles, "Do your thing but don't wake me up, uh ?"

I laugh quietly at that, but she's already fast asleep before I can pursue the conversation. I don't push my luck too far because it's already a huge step that Kensi would let me do that – as exhausted and slightly emotionally vulnerable as people might think she must be to in the first place. I loop my fingers in her belt, my thumb only stroking softly her skin and after a couple of minutes listening to her slow breathing, I fall asleep too.

I'm awaken by a light knock on the window just minutes after, or at least that's how it feels like though a look at my watch tells me I've slept for almost three hours. I manage to straighten a bit without jostling Kensi and find the handle of the window and lower it.

It's Sam. Time to take our shift. But Kensi looks so peaceful I can't find the strength to wake her.

"Find me something to make her a pillow, will you ?", I ask Sam in a barely audible voice.

"You can't watch out alone, Deeks", he replies in the same tone, "There's a reason why we have partners."

"She really needs her sleep, you know it. I'm fine."

"Like hell you are. Come on, Deeks, don't play the knight card now. She wouldn't want you to fuss over her like that."

"I'm willing to take my chances", I say, cutting off any other argument. "Come on, Sam, you know I'm not doing this because she's a girl. She's exhausted, she won't be of any use. She'll just fall asleep on my shoulder and distract me. I'll be better if I know she's resting."

I see that Sam is pondering the pros and cons. After all, I've been a lawyer, I know how to persuade people with that smart mouth of mine.

"Okay, I'm gonna go with you. Can't sleep if I can hear Callen's mind working. G, come over here", he calls out to Callen.

I don't even know how Kensi can still sleep with all of this but she seems pretty relaxed.

"You're gonna replace Deeks", Sam tells Callen, "I'm sure Kensi won't even notice the difference."

Part of me wants to say that she will, _come on_, but I know it would sound quite presumptuous. And maybe it's only because I do hope that she won't feel this at-ease with someone else.

I try to extricate myself from under Kensi without waking her, but she shifts slightly and I stop dead in tracks.

"Wassup ?", she mumbles in my chest, without opening her eyes, though.

"Sssh, go back to sleep, Kens", I soothe into her ear, softly stroking her hair.

"You going ?"

"I just wanna pee. I'll be right back."

"Ok. Be quick."

"I will. Promise."

When I finally climb out of the car, I find myself observed by Callen and Sam who look really disturbed. They should be laughing or mocking me, but they're not. It's more like they're shocked to witness something this _intimate_. Because Kensi would never willingly let them see her like this – sweet and almost needy, if I may.

Sam and I head out and Callen says he's gonna wait a couple of minutes before making his entrance. And even if I know Callen is something like Kensi's brother, I do feel a little pang in my heart just by thinking of her in his arms. I know it's stupid and irrational, but I can't help it.

"So, how long ?", Sam asks me as we sit in front of the door.

"What ?"

"Kensi. You. _That_. How long ? How long have you been in love with her ?", Sam says like it's so obvious I should have understood.

"Pff! Sleep deprivation does no good to you."

"Lying doesn't to you either."

Damn, the guy is good. "There's nothing going on between Kensi and I."

"So what was this all about ? Since when does she need you to sleep tight ?"

I don't get to answer, because we're interrupted by said girl's gasp. Or rather, by Kensi almost shrieking. We immediately turn around to see Callen rubbing a hand over his torso and Kensi looking like someone who's just been startled awake from a nightmare.

"God, Kensi, what's with you ?", Callen says, his eyes wide as he keeps rubbing his chest.

"I'm so sorry, Callen", we hear her say as we come closer. "I just – I was _surprised_ I guess."

"No need to punch me though!"

The car door is open so we can see Callen and Kensi sitting in the backseat, Kensi looking all apologetic and damn hot with her tousled hair and her sleepy eyes, if you ask me.

"Why did you punch him ?", Sam asks.

"I don't know! I just – I wasn't expecting _him_ to come in there with me!"

"How did you even know it was me ?", Callen says through gritted teeth.

"I didn't. I just _knew_ you weren't _Deeks."_

And _this_ is the _nicest_ thing I've _ever_ heard. The guys don't insist on how she can make the difference, nor does any of them ask why she would punch anyone touching her apart from me. Sam just says that now Kensi is awake, he's gonna lie down a bit and he asks us not to make noise.

Kensi wraps the blanket around her shoulders and follows me to the entrance of the warehouse silently. I wait a few minutes until I'm sure the guys have fallen asleep – Sam snores even louder than Kensi, and I turn to her and ask quietly, "How did you know it wasn't me ?"

She has this sheepish look on her face, and for a few seconds, I think she's not gonna answer. But then she surprises me as she scoots closer, handing me a side of the blanket so we can snuggle together underneath it.

She sighs softly before replying just as quietly. "Your smell."

"What about it ?" Should I understand that I stink ?

"Come on, don't make me say it", she whispers with just a little hint of exasperation, "I can recognize you just at the scent of you. You smell like fresh breeze and – it's light. It's soothing, I guess. I know _you_. And this wasn't you."

"What were you scared of ? It could only be either Sam or Callen. Do you really think I would have let anyone else close to you ?"

"You were gone. I panicked, okay ?", she snaps, and behind the hostility, I can feel something else.

_She missed me_.

I don't tease her, though. It's not the right time for that. And I don't want her to withdraw. Because _this_, admitting that she doesn't like it when I'm not around, it's a lot from her.

But I perfectly intend to remind her someday.


	5. Chapter 5

**This one was inspired by 3x03 "**_**Backstopped**_**". I just loved Deeks's face when he was talking to Kensi after Hunter told them she had made some adjustments. The poor guy was lost without his partner, and my little finger is telling me that Kensi didn't like it very much either.**

* * *

Right until now, I thought that believing that Kensi had died in an explosion was the worst thing that ever happened to me. Getting shot, being Max Gentry again and Kensi being abducted followed closely.

But after today, I now that the worst thing ever is to be partnered up with Sam.

Well, the problem is not the guy; had I spent the day with Callen, I would have felt the same. What didn't feel _right_ was to be separated from Kensi; not being by her side to have her back, no teasing, no Twinkie wrappers tucked between the car seats. I missed _us_, very simple.

I know I sound like a total idiot, because come on, it's not like I didn't get to see her; but though I hid it well, seeing her with Callen did hurt. Because she was within arm reach and _still_, she wasn't with me. And that's where she _should_ be. That Hunter woman has lost any kind of little esteem I had for her. And there might be a slight part of me that wants to back Callen to the wall for angering her enough to split us all in the first place.

He doesn't like her at all, and that is the understatement of the year. If looks could really kill, the ones he sends her – that are way scarier than those Kensi does, so that means something – would make her go through every single circle of Hell. It has come to a point where it's almost embarrassing to witness them because you just don't know if they'll end up wrestling or jumping each other. Or _both_, one leading to the other.

Kensi and I talked about it, and for_ once_, we agree. There's so much UST going on between them it's gonna end up dirty, be sure about it. There's gonna be yelling and maybe things thrown at the other, and then, bam; teeth clashing, hands getting handsy and all that stuff. You know, some people need feelings and romance when it only takes alcohol for others; Callen and Hunter ? I'm sure it would be anger-fueled, to the point where he could strangle her just so she'd know that when Hetty isn't there, he's in charge at OSP. Well, Kensi didn't agree with that part since we didn't take the conversation so far, but I'm pretty that's how it's gonna happen. Because, you just know it will, right ?

At least, that's what I thought until Hunter put out the disappearing act and left, only to reveal that Hetty's back. And that, inexorably, Kensi and I will find our way back to each other. God, that sounds lame, huh ?

So here we are, leaving it to Callen to discuss the whole thing with Hetty. Sam, Nell and Eric are already gone, and that leaves Kensi and I in the parking lot.

"So, you got any plans for tonight ?", she asks me with that matter-of-fact tone, though I can see she really _hopes_ I don't. Guess she missed me _too_.

"Maybe hit the beach for a run, but apart from that, not really. Why ?"

There's the tiniest smile on her face when I say that, and if I wasn't this keen on making her admit she wants to spend the night with me, I'm sure I'd melt just here and then, because God if I have missed that smile today. The _genuine_ one. Because I've come to learn that Kensi has different smiles and I'm quite proud of me since I can recognize them now. It's pretty convenient, especially when she fakes it. But I know better.

It's not just about whether it reaches her eyes or not. When Kensi truly smiles, she tilts her head oh so slightly, and it's probably one of the cutest things she does. I'm not even sure she realizes it, because whenever she puts on a fake smile and teases me or tells me she's fine, I can see right through her, and she's always _really_ surprised that I do; that I'd know when she's hiding something behind it. When something bothers her, when she's upset; when she's _mad_ at me.

My guess is that she never expected that one day, I'd speak fluent Kensi. I know her inside out: her every tone, look, pout. I know the difference between biting on the right side of her bottom lip or the left one; I can feel the shift in the air when all hell is going to break loose because _someone_ – me, most of the time, has dared to steal her candy. I know the look she gives people when she really wants to say something but struggles with it.

We _talk_ with that look. When she knows she's stepped out of line by doing something crazy and reckless or saying some hurtful things, but doesn't find the strength to admit it and apologize out loud. Or when I wake up after getting shot to find her tenderly gazing at me; but there were no words that could have competed with that look, so I'm not complaining.

"Well, would you like some company ?"

"You're not scared that I could outrun you, partner ?", I tease her, my usual smirk on my lips.

"Not even in your dreams, Deeks", she sighs, rolling her eyes. "I graduated top of my course in _Strategic Escape_", she adds with that smug look. Some days it's hot – like when she says she can hotwire a plane, but today it's just plain annoying. Because she does know I run faster than her.

"_Seriously_ ? You can't learn everything from books, Fern. Try to steal a car with Ray and make a run for your life because cops are just behind you. _That's_ strategic escape."

"Does Bates know that LAPD's finest doesn't have the most stellar record ?"

"You think I'm what they have best ?" It brings me back to a long time ago when I heard her ask Eric if I was the best LAPD could do. And already back then, she had me hooked, because I forgave her so easily I should be embarrassed about it.

"You still don't understand irony", she snorts, but she softens just immediately after, "So, you and me, Monty and the beach then ?"

"Perfect plan. But…why not make it a bit more interesting ?", I say, rubbing my hands together with what must be a devious look on my face because Kensi sends me her challenging look back. "If you're so sure you could run faster than me, why not bet on it ?"

"Just bring it on babe", she blurts out, and her eyes open wider when she realizes what she's just said. She raises a finger at me and gives me a stern look. "I didn't mean that literally. So, in the hypothetical parallel world where you could possibly win, what's in for you ?"

I'm still grinning because of her babe comment, but I play along. "I guess you'll find out _when_ I beat you. What do _you_ want ? I know just how much of a sore loser you are, I may be nice enough to you to oblige anyway."

"I want you to buy me the entire candy shop. Twinkies, Oreos, chocolate bars, Smarties… Every damn thing. I don't care if you have to sell a kidney to pay for it."

"This is getting worse and worse, Kens. Those eating disorders you suffer from. Food is not your friend, _I am_", I tell her in a baby voice, pointing at myself. "And I know I'm yummy enough so I'll be glad to let you bite me or anything you want if that can help you."

Kensi snorts and punches me, _hard_, but I'm sure you were expecting it. "How obliging of you."

"I aim to please. But I say it just like it is; this golden toffee tan ? Tastes just like it looks. And I'm not kidding; just ask any of my exes, they'll tell you that Marty Deeks is one of L.A's must-visit spots."

"You do know that doesn't make me respect you more, right ?"

"Maybe. But it does make you want me bad."

"Not even close. So, we're out of here or what ?", she asks me with that exasperating tone matching her hands on her hips.

"Your place or mine ?" God, you just don't know how I would love to say that sentence under other circumstances. Like Kensi being a bit tipsy and all over me.

She thinks about it for a second and then says, "Yours. I don't want a sweaty you on my couch."

"My car then. And _I_ get to drive", I clarify, because Kensi has no notion of private property when it doesn't come to her. What's mine is hers but it doesn't work the other way round.

She groans but climbs in the passenger seat anyway. I'm glad she let me drive because that scratch on her arm from earlier – an explosion, _again_ – looks pretty nasty. At least nastier than mine, and I bet it must hurt, though she'll never admit it. The girl could be spitting her teeth out and still say she's _damn fine_.

* * *

We reach my place and Kensi goes to the bathroom to change into her sports gear while I put on sweat pants and that t-shirt that is gonna make Kensi drool, I just know it. It's one of my old LAPD long-sleeved shirts, the first one I got when I left the academy, and the thing is, I wasn't that fit back then. I trained, worked out a lot more since then, so now the garment is a size too small for me. So you obviously get why I keep wearing it anyway; it's just doomed to make Kensi go wild. All those muscles in display for her, how can she resist ? Okay, maybe she has until now, but a guy can hope, right ?

She comes out and rummages through my drawers to pick a hoodie, because contrary to popular belief, it gets colder at night, even in L.A. And since we're in October, and it's already past 7 p.m, even Kensi isn't that stubborn. Even though I should be used to it by now, I'm still sometimes unsettled by how comfortable she is around here. We definitely haven't reached the point where we leave stuff at each other's place in case we spend the night there, but it's not the first time Kensi has borrowed one of my sweater because she's cold or something. And even on the few occasions when we actually made plans earlier, Kensi always seems to find a good reason for forgetting to take her clothes so she can put on mine.

I'm secretly wondering if she doesn't do it on purpose, just to tease me. Because _Kensi_, in _my_ bed, wearing _my_ shirt because she didn't realize how cold it was…That's just evil. And she would never do that in front of the guys. I remember once when she ended up fighting in a fountain; she was soaking wet but still refused to take my jacket – well, one of Hetty's most expensive ones, but mine all the same. She put the brave act on even though she was shivering, and when she began sneezing the next day, she punched me in the ribs even before I could say 'I told you so'. So like I said, the girl's a tease.

"So, where are we going ?"

"That three miles long road down the beach ? You think you can handle that, Wonder Woman ?"

"You kidding ? I was doing that way before you were even born!"

"You do realize I'm older than you and that this isn't helping your 'old single lady who's gonna end up with a bunch of cats' image, huh ?"

Let me tell you something: Kensi does not, I repeat, _does not_ like it when anyone refers to her dating life, or lack of, these days. Though I definitely don't get how a woman like her manages to still be single, even with all that lying we do. After all, there are enough Marines around here if she's that into uniforms. And maybe I still do have mine in a corner of my wardrobe – and maybe I do intend to put it on someday, just to see her reaction.

"I don't like cats. And I don't need them anyway, you're my puppy", she finally says when she's done shooting daggers at me.

And I don't know why, but her soft tone does things to me; things I can't quite define. Because it absolutely doesn't match the angry look she just gave me. And for once, I feel like her mouth is telling the truth more than her eyes, which happens on very rare occasions.

"So that means you want me to stick with you until you get old ?", I tease, because things would get awkward if I just stayed there looking at her like I could just drown myself into her eyes.

She doesn't reply, and I don't push. I just follow her as she leaves my bedroom, grab Monty's leash and struggle to put it on him because the little guy is just as much in love with Kensi as me, and he can't take his paws off her.

Yeah, I _may_ have said I was in love. Slip of the tongue, my bad. I'm not _in love_. I like Kensi, a lot; okay, I love her, I got it bad, but I'm not gonna let myself think about it that way. Because saying you're in love…it's a _commitment_. It's more personal than just loving someone. And since Kensi doesn't do commitment, blurting out that I am so head over heels with her that my heart just goes mad whenever she's around or even when I think about her – which happens _a lot_, again – well, that's the dumbest idea ever.

So I'll settle with liking her a lot. I can tell her that, right ? Partners can like each other very much, they can even love each other. But they don't fall in love. Even if it's exactly what happened to me. I _fell_ in love with her, because I've literally lost my balance; I've stumbled, I've knocked myself out because now my brain and my heart only seem to be wired on Kensi. And truth be told, even my dating life revolves around her, because on the rare occasions when I let a girl flirt with me and allow myself some distraction from my dear partner, I only choose the exact opposite of her. Blondes, redheads…Hairdressers, school teachers; nice, _normal_ girls. Girls who giggle and tuck their fingers in their hair; girls who want to go on second dates because they want the whole package.

Girls that I should be chasing because that's what I want too. Problem is, I only want it with Kensi now. God if I am in trouble deep…

We walk to the beach to let Monty stretch before the long marathon, and as we walk down my street, both in our sport gears and with a dog that could be _ours_, I feel like we're a couple. And it might also be because my neighbors wave at _us_ and not just at me, because Kensi spends so much time here I'm sure they all think she's my girlfriend. And God if I would want them to be right.

Monty wagging his tail happily between us, and maybe someday there could be kids. I could totally see us go for a jog with mini Kensi and our son. Or on bikes with those little strollers that look like tents for the kids. And _that_ is a dangerous thought. Because with what Kensi went through with her ex-fiancé, I'm not even sure she would want to have kids, _period_. With me or anyone else.

I'm not even sure if she's looking for a meaningful relationship or not. After all, the guys can't seem to stop mocking her for her habit of going from guy to guy, and though she never told me that, I reckon this has been going on ever since Jack left her. I don't know if I want to thank the guy for leaving because it allowed me to meet her, or kick him in the groin for hurting her this bad. She'll never admit it out loud – giving him excuses for giving up on them, but the guy has destroyed her. I can't admit or even think that Kensi has always been this serial dater. Nope.

"Deeks ? You okay ?", she asks me, and I guess I must have spaced out again. It's impressive how much time I can spend thinking of her, even in her presence. Or scary, I don't know.

"Yeah. Just thinking about stuff."

"What sort of stuff ?"

I may as well tell her, because Kensi is worse than a dog with a bone; she doesn't ever let go. "We almost got blown up today. _Again_. Got me thinking that…I don't know – something along _life being short_ and all."

"You should get blown up more often if that makes you that philosophical", she laughs lightly, but then her face softens as she walks a bit closer to me. "Sometimes, after a day like this, I just want to come home to something normal. Be a bit more like those people who have no care in the world but their family and friends. But then I go home to an empty house and I know that no matter what, I've chosen that life. Nobody forced me into applying to NCIS. And even though it's hard some days, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else."

I'm more than a little shocked at this, because I never thought Kensi could feel like that too. But she's also right: I could never be anything else than a cop, even if it means I'll probably die in the line of duty someday.

"You know, Ray and Jenna's baby should be born anytime soon", I say, and though I had never given it much thought, I guess the baby is due around the end of the year. "Having a baby – _that_ means something, huh ? Something you can be proud of. Lots of responsibilities, but I guess it's _worth_ it."

"You want a baby ?", she asks me, her brow slightly furrowed and with that incredulous pout on her face.

"Well, if you ask so nicely, Fern, I guess I can't deny you."

"Really, Deeks ?", and here is that exasperated tone I love so much. "So, you want kids ? I'd have never pegged you as the white picket-fenced kind of guy."

"It's just that – you know, sometimes, when I go back to LAPD and I catch up with some buddies…One of my rare friends there, he had a baby last week. Baby girl, Molly. Already got two of them. And then there's me, doing that lone wolf thing Callen does…And though I respect the guy, I don't wanna end up like him someday. I want to make it count, you know ?"

She nods slowly, her eyes never tearing from mine, and in a way, I'm sure she does get what I mean. But she doesn't say any much more since we're at the beach and she puts her challenging face on, quickly forgetting about where our conversation led us to go back to our bet.

I set Monty free and he jogs happily next to me – he's a loyal puppy, though I'm sure he's gonna give Kensi his puppy look later to beg for forgiveness. Kensi immediately sprints just to let me know she can indeed outrun me, but I don't care; she's gonna get tired before she even knows it. And then, she'll learn that slow and steady wins the race, and that being the turtle is kinda cool sometimes.

I'm used to that road, I jog here every week. I might not be as good as Kensi when it comes to sparring or firing, but I'm _Mr. Endurance_ – and yeah, I do know that this could totally apply to other activities, and yeah, I still claim to deserve the title. I let her race me for the first mile and then I run a bit faster to catch up with her.

She doesn't like it. And by the time we've reached the second mile, I see that she's struggling a bit to follow my lead. I offered her to start five minutes before me, but she had to go with her speech about me being sexist and that she didn't need me to go easy on her. But now, with sweat forming droplets on her forehead and down her hair, her chest heaving as she breathes hard, I decide to pull her out of her misery and sprint. I turn around seconds later to see that she's starting to just be a point on the horizon.

But soon enough, I have a bad feeling. When I turn around again, there's no one in sight running behind me, and there's not so much people around here so it's not like I could mistake her for someone else. Actually, there's _no one_. We're heading to a more secluded area, and only few people go to that part of the beach.

So I run backwards. And that's where I find her, sitting on the ground and wincing as she's prodding her ankle.

"God, Kens, you're hurt ?"

"I'm fine", she mutters through gritted teeth. But since she only says that when she isn't – and she knows I know, she lifts up her face and I can see there that it does indeed really hurt. Kensi never shows any signs of weakness so if she does now, it's because she can't help it.

I quickly kneel next to her and after getting a nod of acceptance from her, I gently touch her ankle and she hisses from pain.

"How did you do that ?", I ask gently as Monty comes to lick her face. "Monty, down boy!"

"I guess I made a bad move. But I just need some time and then I'll be able to stand up."

"No way. I don't think it's twisted", I say as I run my fingers again to her ankle. It's not even really swollen, so she might have only made a bad move like she said, "but still, there's no point in making it worse."

She's breathing through the pain so I softly raise a hand to her hair, stroking it back away from her face. Kensi closes her eyes against my touch and leans into it for a second before biting on her bottom lip, and she gives me the look that says she knows I'm not gonna let her get up and walk as if nothing happened.

"You know I have to", I tell her in a low voice, and she nods, though I can see it doesn't please her at all. "If you let me carry you, I won't take you to the hospital. At least not tonight. If it's swollen by tomorrow, I'll have to, you know it."

"We're almost three miles away from your place, you can't carry me back there."

"Well, Monty won't do it, will he ?", I say, and she rolls her eyes. "Come on, Kens. The sooner you let me, the sooner we'll be home."

She glares at me for a minute and then she nods again and lets me hoist her up until she's resting on her good leg. I let her pout a bit before asking her to loop her arms around my neck, and once she does, I bend down to put an arm under her knees, the other around her shoulders.

"You good ?"

"Huh-uh. You know, it'd be easier for you to run down the beach and ask for someone's car. I know you have your badge on you, no one would dare refuse a thing to a cop."

"And leave you here alone ? Like hell I'd do that."

"You could give me your gun", she tells me, and I wonder how she knows I have it on me.

"Who said I had it ?"

"Because I didn't take mine and I know you would never go out without yours in that case. Something about wanting to protect me, though it's kinda creepy, taking your gun anywhere", she says softly, and I never knew she could be this insightful sometimes. Though it also has a bit to do with me getting shot when I was out on a run.

But I don't spot any hint of annoyance in her voice.

She stays silent for a long time, shifting in my arms so I have to toss her a bit to adjust her position so she won't slip and fall down. She sighs a lot, but more for being angry at herself to get hurt than at me for playing the knight in shining armor card again.

"How's the pain ?"

"Painful. But I've seen worse."

I bet she did. "So, babies ?", I ask again, trying to make her forget about the pain.

It seems to work, because her lips tugs slightly upward as she tightens her grip on my neck. "That's a wide subject. Babies in general or babies with you ?"

"So you really want me this bad ?", I tease her and she smiles again.

"You do have indeed some interesting DNA", she says in a matter-of-fact voice, "you're part Norwegian, and I've seen those guys: tall, blonde hair, broad shoulders…I have to make the best choices for my descendants after all."

"I'm sensing a but."

"But", she says, her smile growing wider, "there are some little things that I just can't let my hypothetical children inherit, of course. Your big nostrils, for starters. That bouncy hair, and –"

"Hey! Girls dig my hair!"

"It looks like a comb would break if it went around there", she snorts. "And your ramble. I'd put tape on their mouths if they talked nearly as much as you do."

"Could you possibly go back to what you would want our kids to inherit from me ?", I ask, playing along though this conversation is making me feel quite giddy; and I'm not even mentioning the fact that I have Kensi in my arms while having it.

"Your eyes", Kensi admits without thinking. And then there's a little flush coloring her cheeks. "But brown is genetically stronger than blue, isn't it ?"

"Dunno. I wasn't that good in Biology either", I reply, but actually, I don't care. If she wants our kids to have my eyes, we can try again and again until we succeed. Come on, does she realize just how hot this conversation is ?

"There's only brown hair and brown eyes in my family, I think", she says, and I can feel she's really thinking about it, even if it's only a way to relieve the pain. "Why are you grinning like that ?"

"No reason", I say. Like I would tell her why.

But then I twist her again in my arms and she feels my unease. "I'm too heavy, right ? Just put me down, Deeks, I'm sure I can walk now."

"No, no. We'll just – see that bench over there ? We're going to sit down and I'll take a look at your ankle, okay ?"

We reach the bench and I put her down softly, sitting next to her as I take her leg on my lap, exposing her injury. "It's not swollen. You think you can try to move it, turn it around ?"

Kensi nods. But she immediately bites down on her lip as a wave of pain must be overwhelming her. "It still hurts."

"I can see that. Okay, we're halfway now. But I think I could go faster if you climbed on my back. I could even run."

When Kensi doesn't answer, I lift up my face to see that she's biting harder on her lip, and her eyes are focused on my fingers on her ankle. "Hey, what's with the sad face ?"

"I never thought that tonight would go like this…"

"Hey, you didn't fall on purpose, Kens."

"I wanted us to – I don't know, have fun. Today was –"

"Awful ?"

"Yeah. God if I've been friends with Callen for years but…working _with_ him is so _wrong_, you know ? It's completely different from working under his orders. I don't know how Sam does it."

"Sam is hard to deal with too, believe me. It's like whenever I'd say something, the guy would say the exact contrary. Guess it's easier with _you_, I _am_ the alpha male, since you're a girl!"

Kensi laughs, and for the first time since she has hurt herself, I see some colors back on her cheek. Seeing her get better must make me bolder because I reach with my hand to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. "You better ?"

"A bit. I feel sleepy. And I have the worst headache." Wow, that much confessions of weakness in one day ?

"You ready to go on ? 'Cause I think you could use some Tylenol. And though I know my arms are comfy, I guess the couch sounds better, right ? Come on, little monkey", I add as I lower myself in front of her so she can climb on my back.

"Little monkey ? That's the best you've got ?", she laughs in my ear, and her breath tickles me. But I straighten up and try to wrap her legs around my waist tighter without touching her ankle.

"You'd rather have me call you Kiki again ?", and when she laughs again, I say, "Yeah, that's what I thought. Your arm doesn't hurt too much ?"

"Less than the ankle. You ?"

"I think you shouldn't eat that much chocolate." She punches my shoulder playfully, but I don't care because she tightens her grip around my neck and I can feel her chest pressed against my back, heaving and exhaling, each breath she takes reverberating against my body.

* * *

How long it takes me to bring us back to my place, I don't know, but with Kensi on my back, things get easier. We have to stop a couple of times so she can adjust, and I end up walking up my street with her back in my arms bridal style which gets on her nerves because she's scared my neighbors might see us like this.

I try to put her down on my couch as gently as possible, but I end up dropping her quite unceremoniously. Luckily, I was holding her leg so I don't hurt her even more. Monty immediately jumps on the couch with her and puts his head on her lap and Kensi strokes him behind the ears, but I can see she's really in pain.

I go to the bathroom and take the painkillers I have left from my shooting and come back to the living room with a glass of water and a wet cloth. I give them to Kensi and goes to the kitchen to take some ice and chocolate bars – I only have those for when Kensi comes, because though I steal her candy at work to annoy her, I'm not that into sugar. I put the ice on her ankle, and Kensi's fingers met mine there. It doesn't look that bad, all in all. "You want me to take a look at your arm ?"

She nods quickly. She swallows her pills and I give her a chocolate bar because I know she hates the taste. A small smile graces her lips – from the delicious taste or the fact that I know her so well, I don't know.

"I'll wrap your arm and ankle up, okay ? Tell me if I hurt you."

For a second, I almost think she's gonna cry, because she gives me that watery smile, and her lips tremble just slightly, but I see it. And then, my hand stills on her ankle when she says her next sentence. "You know, I think we could be proud if our kids are half as kind as you are."

It's so out of the blue I can't help but look up, and when her eyes meet mine, I almost believe her. I know she's only trying to focus on anything but the pain, but if she keeps on talking about our future children, I might just take her to my room and try for the first one. God help me if I don't already want to kiss those trembling lips, though I think it could increase the shaking.

"I just hope they won't be quite as accident-prone as us", I say, "two injuries in a day, you're trying to set a record Kens ?"

"You can tell, Mr. 'I re-open my stitches just after they've been sewed'."

"My point exactly. But when you bring a kid too much at the hospital, social services tend to come to see you."

It was the wrong thing to say, because Kensi grabs my arm. And now there are definitely tears in her eyes. "Deeks…"

What am I supposed to say, now the damage is done ? I didn't want to sound like that, this cold and harsh; I don't even know why I said that. But now Kensi is looking at me with those eyes I _can't_ bring myself to hate even though I've always loathed it when people looked at me like that. Like I'm broken and they want to _fix_ me.

I don't say a thing, because honestly, I don't know what to say at this point. I just finish wrapping her up and, as cowardly as it sounds, I get up and pat her shoulder awkwardly before going to the kitchen to fix something for us for dinner.

Kensi doesn't say a word either. Whenever I turn to look at her, I see she's still stroking Monty's head, but she's biting the nails of her other hand. She stares resolutely at the wall facing her and for minutes, the only sound in the room comes from the oven.

But then she speaks. "Deeks ?"

"Yeah ?"

"I'd like to take a shower."

Oh. Yeah, that's all I can come up with right now. Now I think of it, a shower wouldn't hurt me either. "Okay. You, uh – you want me to –"

"If you could just help me in and then, I think I can manage."

Okay. Does she realize that you need to undress to take a shower ? I can't do that. There are still lines. Boundaries we shouldn't cross. I see her trying to get up from the corner of my eye, and so I run to her, catching her before she loses her balance.

"You won't get to peek, Deeks. I'll call you when I'm ready, and I'll have a towel around, okay ?"

Oh God, thank you, because if she was in no state to think of something like that, I don't know what I'd do.

In the end, this shower thing isn't that terrible. I fill the bath for her, thinking that it would be easier, and she indeed only calls me when she has a towel wrapped around her. When she's done, I come back to the bathroom to find her wrapped in it again, in an empty bathtub.

I take a quick shower and then we settle on the couch with our dinner on the coffee table, Kensi all freshen up with new bandages – because it might not have been very clever to put them on before she showered, and in my clothes, and Monty curled up at her feet. She has her leg propped up on the coffee table and her injured arm resting on her stomach as she slowly eats her French fries.

We don't really talk, and for people who missed each other, it's quite unusual. But it's Kensi who ends up breaking the ice.

"I really missed you, today. I would have never said that months ago, but now I know I can. I know you won't mock me or tease or use it as blackmail. I missed _you_, Deeks. Working with you, listening to your lame jokes, mocking you for them. You trying to find my candy hidden place in the car. I missed all of it. So I would really appreciate it if you could stop giving me the silent treatment. You _talk_, Deeks, that's what you do. So talk to me."

"I missed you too." And really, that sums up the whole thing. But now I finally get I'm hurting her more than her injuries, I drape my arm around the back of the couch, my hand just barely touching her shoulder.

But then Kensi surprises me. That tends to happen a lot, these days. She reaches for my hand with hers, and tugs my arm until it's really resting over her shoulders. And then she scoots closer until there's literally no space between our thighs and our torsos, and she leans her head to me. Not quite touching my shoulder, but enough so I can feel my shampoo in her hair.

Then she turns her head and cranes her neck just so I can feel her breath over my skin as she leans and presses her lips on my jaw line. And when I look down, I see that she has her eyes closed.

She barely lingers there for a second or two, but just like the first time she has kissed me, I feel like my skin is on fire from her touch, every little nerve ending about to explode in fireworks. And that's only a tiny kiss on my jaw, so just try and imagine how I'd react if we actually kissed.

Kensi leans back but only to bring her lips to my ear, and they brush my temple as she forms her next words. "Try and enjoy it, 'cause it won't happen anytime soon. But I would really like you to _take me to bed_ right now."

I laugh. I just can't help it. And when I turn my face to look at her, our noses bump, and it would be so easy to kiss her now. So easy and so right at the same time. Because she's asking for it. She said she missed me, she played along with my silly game about our future children.

She was the one who asked to spend the night with me because she had missed me.

But then she kisses me again, this time at the corner of my mouth. I know she hasn't bad aim, so she visibly doesn't want it to happen tonight. But we're getting there.

"Come on, don't make me say it again", she whispers against my mouth, her lips covering the corner longer than she did for my jaw. "Take me to bed, Deeks. And talk to me."

"Okay."

That's all I manage to say. But Kensi's immediate radiant smile tells me that's all she needed. I put the dishes in the sink – I usually wash them just after dinner, but I think I have better plans now, and then I come back to her, and this time, Kensi willingly loops her arms around my neck.

There's a huge difference between falling asleep with Kensi underneath the sheets with me, and being the one to drop her on the bed. It's definitely lacking of the passion I imagine there would be if I was doing just that under other, less catholic circumstances, but I think it's way better. Because to me, "take me to bed" has never sounded better.

I lie next to her, resting on my side with my elbow, my head perched on my hand as Kensi lies on her back, her head just slightly turned towards me.

And God if she isn't the most beautiful sight I've ever laid my eyes upon.

"Talk to me, Deeks."

"I thought you hated my rambling."

"I love it", she tells me, her voice so low it sounds like a plead. "I just think one rambling Deeks is enough."

She turns her head and stares at the ceiling, biting down on her lip, but her hand seeks out to reach mine. "I'm tired. But keep talking to me."

And that's exactly what I do. I scoot closer and drape loosely my arm around her and I talk. About nothing and everything at the same time. About the first time I have broken a bone, about the first time I have met her. About just how much I missed her today.

Among other things. I don't know if she heard them all, and I won't ask. But it doesn't really matter after all. She wanted me to talk, so I talked. And when morning came, we stayed in bed, for once. Just talking.

And you know what ? Talking with Kensi, it's way better than anything else you could think of while in bed.


	6. Chapter 6

**Timeline : set after 3x08 "Greed", with references to previous episodes. That Waltz scene made me laugh so much – it reminded me of when I tried to teach a friend how to dance it, it was hilarious. In the end, I was the one leading because he was as clumsy as poor Deeks. Definitely not as hot though, what a shame.  
Thanks for all the amazing reviews, alerts and favorites people, it really helps, though I should be studying! If only writing FF could be a real job…Life's unfair.**

* * *

Kensi and I, we are _lazy_ people. We can spend night after night sprawled on the couch with burgers and beers and we're only lucky to have such an intense job or we would be overly fat by now. Kensi can let her laundry pile up in a corner of her room – and all over her place, actually, for days without caring, because she has made a new habit out of stealing my clothes when she doesn't have any clean. We always give our reports late – a fact that Callen particularly appreciates to point out since his are, according to Hetty, real _masterpieces_. The only thing I have to say about this is that the guy has no social life; no surprise then that his reports should be perfect.

It comes as no surprise again that Kensi and I had to find some kind of code that allows us to understand each other without doing much. I'm not talking about what we do at work, that thing about communicating without words, little finger moves and all; no, we have _our_ code, what I have heard Eric and Nell once call the 'Densi code'. Obviously, Kensi doesn't know because they're still _alive_, and I'm waiting for the perfect occasion for payback – because honestly, who do they think they're kidding with that little silly game of theirs, huh ?

So, we have private jokes, but then, nothing out of the ordinary for partners and friends. It feels nice because not so long ago, I was the one excluded from their NCIS secret tricks – seriously, that Biscuit or Kumani thing ? They didn't really need to put an act like it was so cool, they could just fill me in. But now Sam and Callen are the ones looking at us with wide eyes when we do something like that.

But there are also more subtle things, things that we only do when we're alone together. Like when Kensi sends me a text with only an interrogation point. '?' means "You got any plans ?", two '?', "Can you come over ?" and three '?', "What the hell are you doing I've been waiting for you for ages ?" The one thing you have to know about Kensi is that she isn't a patient person, so I can't keep track of how many three '?' she has sent me when I had barely left my apartment two minutes ago. She has a problem with time too, because she never seems to get that our places are five minutes apart, and that if I'm not dressed or ready when she calls, I can't be at hers within seconds. Impatient, bossy, demanding…my partner is _perfect_, isn't she ?

So when I hear my phone ringing, alerting me about a new incoming call, I just know it's her. Because I've just stepped in the shower to rehydrate myself after those hours in the desert – Norwegian complexion, remember – so Kensi _has to_ keep me from doing it.

"What's up Princess ?"

"_Don't call me Princess!_", Kensi immediately snaps.

"Someone is in a good mood", I tease, but I hear her faking gagging on the other end of the line, "To what do I owe the pleasure of you calling ? Missing my sexy voice ?"

"_Yeah, that's right. You just can't imagine the things it does to me_", she snorts, and I so can picture her rolling her eyes while saying that, cocking an eyebrow at me like I'm just plain dumb. And I'd really like it if what she said could be true. "_Just called to let you know you're expected at my place in 20. We're going out_."

"Are we ?", I ask, "Because I thought I was a pig ?"

"_You still are. But if you're not in, that's okay, I can call the guys. Just bought a new dress and heels that I wanted to try out, but_…"

"Okay, you win. I guess I'm taking you out for dinner too ?", I sigh. God, that girl always gets me right where she wants me. Not that it isn't _exactly_ where I want to be too.

"_Huh-uh. And Deeks ? You step on my feet again and I'll kill you, got it_ ?"

"Loud and clear, my sweet. Any other demands that I'll gladly oblige ?"

"_Yeah. Don't ever call me 'my sweet' again. I'm still not getting why I haven't killed you yet for Fern and Kiki. And put on something nice for once, would you ? You know, shirts are supposed to be tucked in pants_."

"You care a bit too much for _just_ some bonding night", I say, a smirk tugging at my lips, "_partner_."

"_I just don't want any guy to hit on me because they wonder what I'm doing with a loser like you_", Kensi scoffs. "_Try to live up to my standard_." And then she hangs up before I can say a thing.

Kensi 1 – Deeks 0. But I definitely intend to make adjustment.

I go back to my shower and five minutes later, I'm back in my room, staring blankly at my wardrobe. The thing is, most of my clothes consist in dozen pairs of jeans, t-shirts or plaid shirts, and I'm not really sure this is what Kensi considers _smart_. Don't get me wrong, I do own some fancy clothes – hello, I went to law school, but I usually only wear them for dates. Or when I go out to party and find a girl. And I'm not sure if it's really appropriate for a night with a _friend_; on the one hand because I look hot and I don't want to _excessively_ dazzle Kensi – at least not more than usual, and also because that whole dressing up _for_ each other awfully sounds like getting ready for a date.

And once it'll hit Kensi, she's not gonna like it.

But she asked for it, so I'm just going to oblige her, like I always do. There's nothing I can't do for her when she asks me with her blinking eyelashes or her slurry voice, or when she glares at me and uses her bossy tone, or – you get the idea. Got me hooked since day one, I'm afraid.

So I settle for dark pants and a blue shirt – I even tuck it in, I _really_ must be in love, and I even put a vest on because apparently, it's supposed to be the new it-thing though I don't get why. I hated it when my mom would force me to put that kind of thing when I was a kid and here I am now willingly wearing it to look like some young, hip couple with Kensi – minus the couple part, since we're not a couple. Yeah, way to go Deeks, dig deeper into your misery.

You know what ? I actually think that Kensi isn't going to find a thing to mock me for, because with the modesty that is so typical of me and a little objectiveness, I'm hot. Yeah, your heard the guy: I look really good. Back to my 20-something self in law school, sauntering around in smart clothes and going all Wikipedia on people – yeah, we were kinda boring people, I know, but in my defense, what do you think lawyers do for fun ? Apart from drugs for the naughty ones, of course. Well, I actually was a bookworm; I know, quite unbelievable coming from a surfer dude. But back then, getting my law degree took me so much energy I didn't really spend much time at the beach; the only fun nights I spent were partying with girls really keen on flavored body glitter and…

Back to Kensi and our night out, right. So once I'm satisfied with my appearance, I give Monty a last hug before leaving him alone for the night – but he just gives me that encouraging look, or what really looks like it, so I know he doesn't resent me. Clever dog, that Monty; I'm sure he knows that I'm trying to get Kensi to come more often, or rather stay for good with the both of us. That's the only good thing about having no family around: girls only have to pass Monty's test and if he likes them, then so mote it be. And Monty definitely loves Kensi. Like father like son, uh ? Yeah, even I know just how weird that sounds.

And I do hope and pray it won't ever apply to my father and I.

* * *

So here I am, standing at Kensi's doorstep with a single lily in hand that I have picked in my neighbor's garden – got the idea from Hetty rambling alone about our favorite techs; lifting my fist to knock when she opens the door. And for the first time, Kensi's look has matched mine.

Even the drooling part.

I don't even try to hide it, because seriously, Kensi looks just absolutely, downright stunning. The exact definition of beauty, hotness, style, nothing short of _perfection_. And I'm not saying that because her dress barely covers her mid-thighs, or because her lips look like they're just waiting to be kissed, that soft, gleaming pink shade smelling like raspberry, and probably tasting like it too, adding to the torture of not having the right to do so. I'm saying it because she looks like an angel, glowing in her tiny yet elegant pearly white dress, with these thin straps and this flouncy lacy veil. She is perched on those four-inch blue heels that still make her a little bit smaller than me, her tanned legs _sparkling_ – God, I won't ever thank enough the guy who invented body glitter.

And her hair, God if I don't want to thread my fingers through her curls. I'm used to her ponytails or convenient hairstyle for a day at work, but now, with her curls framing her face, waving down her back in their natural way, she's goddamn beautiful.

Just Kensi, I guess; nothing out of the ordinary, because she's always beautiful. Lazing around in sweat pants, in jeans, in my clothes…Kensi Blye doesn't need to put on a low-cut dress to be beautiful. But she does look extraordinary when she's all feminine and girly, far away from the seriousness and the tough façade she puts on at work.

And that's when I'm done checking her out, memorizing every inch of her body, that I look up to her eyes and see it. This little gleam, the very same one she had when I got punched by that guy at the bar. Her lips are slightly parted, her eyes wide open, her long dark lashes almost touching her eyebrows, and I can see her eyes roaming over me too. And then I don't know what's the hottest – Kensi, or the sight of a turned on Kensi checking me out.

Since none of us seems able to speak or stop staring, I lean in slowly, afraid of scaring her if I'm too bold, and I gently tuck the lily behind her ear, holding the stem with one of her hairclips. And I feel it – the slight shiver, her sharp intake of breath as we grow closer. So I lean back to take a look at her, and she's just so cute looking like this I would take a picture, if I wasn't drooling and grinning like a fool.

"That suits your dress pretty well", I finally manage to say, nodding at the flower in her hair. "Great dress and shoes, by the way. Not sure the guys would have appreciated them to their fullest, but me ? Definitely in awe."

She blushes and looks away, her pearly teeth biting down her bottom lip softly before she looks me in the eye again. "Thanks." Then she touches her finger to the lily, and her little smile grows wider. "For that too. You – you look…"

"Yeah, you too."

She rolls her eyes and lets that tiny laugh out, and I quickly follow. This isn't us right now, we're more like two people going out for a first date, too embarrassed and impressed to make a move or have a coherent thought. But judging by Kensi's sincerely moved smile, I guess she doesn't really mind that much that we seem to be stepping a bit out of the line.

"Nice choice of color", she says after a minute as her hand smoothes the collar of my shirt. "Makes your eyes pop."

"Can't say the same about you", I reply, and when her eyes narrow a bit, I quickly add, "White is supposed to be about purity and I'm not sure that's what will be on guys' minds tonight."

"What about you ?"

I struggle to swallow the lump in my throat. Because yeah, I'm a guy, so right now, my thoughts and intentions are far away from virginal and pure but at the same time, I can't quite just lust after her, if you get what I mean. I'm sure she can spot it in my eyes, probably darker than usual by now, but there's something else tonight; I guess I could just stay there and look at her, taking her in for hours, and still not want to just jump on her and take her to her room. Tonight I don't want guys to look at her like she's just a good lay. And though I've never thought of her that way, I especially don't tonight.

"Humor me, but tonight, I'll kick any guy who doesn't look at you with the reverence and respect you deserve, Princess."

"The knight card again ?", she laughs, but then she loops her arm with mine as she walks us to my car, "I kinda like the idea."

"You're safe with me."

"I know that. Wouldn't have _asked_ _you_ _out_ if I didn't."

She smiles at me again as I open the door for her and help her in, and for once, I have no smart comment about her slip of the tongue. Because for once, I know when not to ruin the moment. I just let it be what it is, a nice confession, a proof of her growing trust in me.

I let her choose where we have dinner – for which I'll gladly pay, because the look on every guy's face in the place is just priceless. And for almost two hours, the only thing I do is watching her.

Listening to her talking, telling me about that new club she wants to go to; I just offer short replies to her rambling about OSP, Callen's single life, Eric and Nell's banter; Monty and his fur problem that, according to her, is mainly responsible for my building being fumigated the other day. She says that now she's looking at me all smart, she can't help but try to imagine Monty with a suit because we have the same hair and I laugh because it's true that Monty and I have the same outstanding haircut and I know that behind the joke, Kensi doesn't mean to be hurtful. She does tell me again that she doesn't understand why I keep buying plaid shirts when I don't look that awful when I'm properly dressed and she coaxes me into some shopping day – though I only accept when I get her to let me give my opinion about her in the changing room.

But mostly, I'm absolutely mesmerized by everything about her, from the hand that comes to push her hair back as she looks around, pointing at whatever happens on the street, to the way she eats with gusto, sucking her finger into her mouth as she doesn't want to leave a single bit of her dessert.

She has chocolate at the corner of her mouth but it only makes her look cuter, because nothing can make her _less_. She could have chocolate stains on her dress that I would still think she's the most beautiful woman in the world, in this restaurant, in L.A. The prettiest girl I've ever laid my eyes on, and that I just can't take off her now.

She finally notices that I'm staring at her, and her brow frowns just a bit. "What ?"

"Nothing. You – you have a little bit of a…", I say, gesturing to her mouth, and Kensi lifts her fingers to her face, missing the spot. "No, here…"

I can't help it; I lean in over the table and just brush a finger to her lip until there's no chocolate left. Even though she's more comfortable now with my inappropriate touching, I still expected her to say something. But she doesn't. She just thanks me and blushes again, the softest shade of pink on her cheeks.

"Real classy", she laughs, her tone a bit nervous. "Doesn't match the fancy clothes, huh ?"

It doesn't matter to me in the slightest. All I can think about is that I would want to take her and hide her so no guy won't ever get to see her like this, this open, a bit uncertain, nervous and damn perfect. Because I don't want her to be anything but _mine_.

We stay a bit longer for coffee, and as the night settles down, the sky now completely dark, stars illuminating the street, the conversation becomes more serious, less playful. Kensi brings it back to today at work, to Sam's friend and their impending mission to Soudan. To what is awaiting Michael as he's now condemned.

And she mentions what happened earlier in the loft.

"I'm _sorry_ I – for a second, I really _doubted_ you", she admits, her voice just above a whisper, but even in the crowded place, I still hear her loud and clear. I reach for her hand and instead of pulling back, she lets me stroke my thumb on her pulse point, her fingers softly squeezing mine back. "I thought you hadn't seen me. That you were too engrossed in those paintings to –"

"I knew something was off the moment I didn't hear you talking to Sam anymore. I wouldn't have let him hurt you, Kens. Not him, not anyone. No one _touches_ you."

"I know. I guess I've always known, but – I got _scared_."

"I'll always get you back", I tell her softly, and I'm sure she knows what I mean by that.

"You always do."

"Then no need to over think it. He was no threat, and if he had been, he wouldn't be there anymore to tell the tale, as simple as that. No one messes with my partner and goes away with it."

Kensi nods, still clenching at my hand, and my free hand comes to rest on top of ours, lingering softly over her forearm, rubbing it until she loosens her grip. I still don't let her fingers go, tracing a soothing path on her palm. Kensi leans into the touch, and she looks a little light-headed, her eyes fluttering, a bit unfocused. She's looking in my direction but I'm not really sure if she can actually see me, and I can't help the smile that forms on my lips at the sight of Kensi Blye losing herself just at the brush of my fingers on her.

"Someone's feeling cozy ?", I tease, to bring us back to _safe_ territory. "You know, from the outside, this must look like my charm is doing wonders on you."

"It's only post-traumatic shock", she replies, her voice still low, "I don't know what I'm doing."

"Kensi Blye is never shocked. You can beat her black and blue and she'll still be able to take you down within a blink of the eye."

"Then you must have drugged me."

"Or you're enjoying this little _date_."

"This isn't a date, Deeks", Kensi sighs, but still, she doesn't take her hand back. "We're just friends hanging out", she says, but it almost sounds like I'm not the one she's trying to convince. She sounds tired; tired of repeating to herself that she doesn't like those nights we spend together ? That she doesn't like them a bit more than she should ?

"You look gorgeous, just to hang out with a friend", I point out.

"In opposition to all these times when I don't ?"

"No", I state firmly. "You're always gorgeous. But you don't put on a dress like this one to go out with a friend. You don't ask him to come and pick you up, take you out for dinner."

"Yes I can. It's your role, as a friend."

"Is it really ?", I ask, and this time, she looks up at me with a puzzled look. "A movie night, I can understand. Burgers and beers too. But this ? Dinner and drinks, going out…That sounds like a date to me."

"There's a difference", Kensi says, but her voice doesn't match her resolve, as I can see it weakening. In her eyes half-closed from the brush of my fingers to the way she leans in, her elbows on the table, closer to me than she was at the beginning of the evening.

"What is it ? Because I take you out and then I bring you home. No matter what we do, I have you in my arms by the end of the night. What's the difference ?"

"I don't sleep with you."

She says it a bit louder than her previous replies, staring right into my eyes. Drawing the line that we clearly have forgotten about. "Okay."

I slowly pull my hand back, but she grabs it again, her fingers lacing with mine this time. "Doesn't mean we have to stop this."

"What is _this_, exactly ?", I ask, my voice shaking a little, my eyes focused on our entwined hands.

"This", she says, gesturing to the small space between us with her free hand. "This", she repeats again as she gives a little squeeze to our linked hands. "_Us_."

"Us ?"

"Us. We're _good_, Deeks. You and me. Partners. Friends. You have my back, I have yours. Let's just settle with that, okay ?"

She's pleading, now. Her lips form that pout I'm sure she's not conscious she's doing, and her brown eyes are soft, locked with mine. So I nod. There's not so much else I can do. Then Kensi tells me maybe it's time to head out, so I pay the bill, and she makes it a point of honor to argue that she should pay half, but I don't let her. I don't care if she sulks for the rest of the night or argues whenever we go out from now on, there are still things I won't do: we can have different bills when we're at work, but if I'm taking her out, I'll do things the right way.

She doesn't humor me, though. She just stays silent as we walk to the car, resolutely staring at her feet. But once the doors are closed, she turns on her seat to fully face me. "You're mad, aren't you ?"

"Dogs get mad, people get angry."

"That's my line", she says with a small smile. "You're angry then ?"

"No."

"You don't look like you're fine."

"Just drop it, Kens. Let's go now."

"No", she says firmly, and her hand reaches to grab my wrist, stealing the keys from the ignition. "We are not going until you stop this game."

"What game ?", I ask, sighing. I'm not even mad enough to raise my tone.

"Playing the wounded guy. Like you didn't know that this couldn't be a date."

"Couldn't or wouldn't ? You don't want to go on a date with me or you can't ?"

"You know the answer", Kensi says, locking her eyes with mine.

And I guess she's right: I've known for a long time now. That partnership is ruining any chance we have to be happy outside work. Sure, we make a great team, we have fun, but it's never gonna be more. So I suppose I should just content myself with what we have and never ask for more, right ? Well, easier said than done.

Doesn't keep me from wanting to hear it from her.

But I just nod and open my palm to get my keys back. Kensi searches for something in my look that might give me away, but then she gives me the keys and leans back in her seat. And when most of the tension between us has gone, she reaches with her hand to me and puts it on my knee.

"I told you this would be a complication", she says, her tone low, exhaustion and something else I can't quite put my finger on.

"It wouldn't be us if it wasn't complicated."

"Yeah, right. But it wouldn't hurt to try for simple, huh ?"

"What's simple ?"

"Going out. Dancing. Forgetting that in a few hours we're supposed to go to work and still we're here and not in bed. Have fun. _Simple_."

"Simple. I can go with simple."

Kensi gives my knee a squeeze and then her hand slides up, settling on my thigh. "I'd like that. 'Cause I'm gonna need you to try your best out there. I'm an exceptional dancer. I don't want to have a clumsy partner."

"So that means we're gonna dance together, together ? Not just two people dancing near each other and vaguely interested so others won't try and come between us ?"

"Clubs are always pretty crowded, so of course we're gonna be close. Why not make the most of it then ?"

"Why not, indeed. But you have to understand that it's not my fault then if my hands get a little…_handsy_."

"As long as you never mention it again, you can do _whatever_ you want."

And that is something you should never say to a guy when he's driving. Because the addition of Kensi's hand on me with that sentence isn't good for my nerves, nor for the little self-control I have ever since I've picked her up at her place in that dress.

"Could you please define and clarify 'whatever' for me, Princess ?", I ask, and for once, there's no teasing in my voice. I really want to know if tonight is better than my birthday and Christmas combined.

Kensi rolls her eyes and here it is, the little gleam of mischief in her eyes as her hand goes up, dangerously nearing the inside of my thigh. "It means that…", she starts with that slurring tone as I gulp hard, "I'm not gonna teach you how to dance with a girl, am I ? Do whatever you want _within_ _context_ – keeping creeps and pervs away from me."

"Even if it means I exceed expectations ?"

"Deeks. What do you want me to say ? You want me to spell it for you ? We're out clubbing, so we're gonna dance. This obviously leads to inappropriate touching, that is appropriate within context. So yeah, you can put your hands on me. Anything else you need to know ?"

"Nope. Just wanted to be sure."

Kensi sighs loudly and takes her hand back, but the damage is already done. I feel incredibly hot around the collar and the night isn't that warm so…God, help me.

* * *

Kensi seems to have decided that I'm gonna go to Hell, because she takes my hand in hers again once we climb out of the car, never dropping it as we stroll to the entrance, quickly allowed in – who could ever deny access to Kensi, uh ? And she tightens her grip even more as we head to the bar through the crowded dance floor.

"Two tequilas", she orders to the bartender before turning to face me, "No inappropriate licking on each other, Deeks", she warns me.

"Is there appropriate licking anyway ?", I reply close to her ear, because it's the only way to be heard in here, and also because I love the shiver running down her spine as my breath tickles her skin.

She doesn't answer me as she swallows her glass in one time, so I do the same, because there's no way I let her do that in front of me and then just stare at my glass. If she wants to challenge me, she has to know I don't go down without a good fight.

Then her eyes are roaming over me again, with what I consider a turned on gaze; her dark, desire-laden eyes matching the way she bites down on her bottom lip, caught between her teeth, her tongue darting behind. And that's when she latches her hands on my belt, walking us to the dance floor with a firm tug of her hands on my pants.

Once again, I'd love to know what's going on inside that strange mind of hers, because her mouth tells me this is no date and that we're friends, but her touch and her look say otherwise. Her hands roaming on my chest as she starts rolling her hips, bending her body in ways that are nothing but exquisite torture to me. And her eyes never leave mine as she does that. She's daring me to look at her and stay calm or something, I don't know.

But two can play that game. And it's definitely turning into a challenge. Because tonight, she said we have to forget that tomorrow we must go to work and be partners again. For now, she's just a goddess dancing with me, her body flush up against mine, the throng of people pushing us against each other, closer than comfortable, but I go with it, because it's not so often Kensi gives me that kind of occasions.

She gasps just a bit when one of my arms loops around her waist, my hand snugly tucked on her lower back, bringing her even closer. But she quickly recovers and sends me one of her dazzling smiles, the one she generally uses on suspects to coax them into confessions.

"Smooth moves", she says, her tongue darting between her teeth to lick her bottom lip. "You're good."

"What ?", I say louder, though I've perfectly heard. I just want to hear her say it again.

"I said you're not that bad", Kensi repeats, lightly deforming her previous assert.

"You ain't seen nothing yet, Fern."

Her eyes open wider, now that I've caught her interest. I take advantage of her momentary inattention to spin her around, her back now pressed against my front, and I drape my arm back around her, my free hand sliding up and down her side, down her leg and then up again, boldly toying with the hem of her little dress.

But all I find there his warm, pliant _flesh_.

Kensi doesn't seem to mind as she keeps on moving sensuously against me, but now my brain is only wired on the feel of Kensi's bare, smooth skin under my palm. I loosen a bit my grip on her to drop my other hand to her hip and ask, "Kens ? Are you – are you wearing something _underneath_ that dress ? Because you know, if you don't have any clean, you could just let me wash them as I do your laundry."

"Of course, you idiot."

"Then why don't I –"

"The right question is, why is your hand even there in the first place ?", she cuts me off, one of her arm looped around my neck as she tilts her head to the side, looking up at me to see my unsteady gaze and the hard swallow of my Adam's apple.

"You said I could do whatever I wanted."

"So you felt the need to check if I wore any underwear ? Now I told you I did, you can take your hand back."

I do as she says, already missing the feel of her skin, but Kensi turns around to face me and steps closer into my arms. She wraps her arms around my neck, her fingers toying with the hair at the nape of my neck, and mine curl around her hips, slowly drifting lower.

And now I just don't know just _how_ _much_ of this is a game. Because this doesn't look like anything we've ever done. There's utter abandon that isn't there when we're undercover, posing as the drunk couple who can't keep their hands off each other; there's no teasing, friendly touch anymore, but bold hands roaming, lust-filled eyes staring and _heat_. God, heat.

That's when I know I'm not just any handsome guy she might hook up with, like she'd do any other night. Because the way she's looking at me right now, is the same look she usually gives me when I do something right, or say the right thing. When I buy her donuts and cookies and her favorite coffee. When I massage her feet when she has her legs on my lap.

The look she gives me because she cares and behind it, there might be the very same thing I feel for her. And if I stopped with the 'what ifs' and 'may' and 'might', I would admit to myself that she feels it too, not just may feel it.

But we can't talk about it, nor act on it. Partners, yeah. So tonight is the only occasion, the closest thing we'll have to giving in. And we shouldn't ever mention it again, like she said. Just go with the flow and appreciate every second because this isn't gonna last.

It's just one nice night out, that might repeat itself, when we'll do that all over again, skipping the discussing part, just giving in what we both want. Be close to the other, allow ourselves to enjoy it, but no more.

Till the day one of us won't be able to take it anymore and it'll stop.

Not tonight, though.

Not when I have Kensi undulating against my body, the warmth of her heated skin sinking into mine, the scent of her body wash intoxicating me, her soft yet demanding touch roaming over me.

I can't let go now, and neither can she.

She flinches when I let my lips drop a light kiss on her shoulder, and I tremble when she plays with the buttons of my shirts.

No possible denying of the _spark_, now. The _thing_, more intense than ever.

We head to the bar again, and more drinks are ordered, but not enough to make us dizzy and do things we now we'll regret – not because we don't want them, _need_ them, but because we know we can't. Kensi tugs at my hand to yank me to a corner where we can actually relax and empty our drinks without being pushed by people, and she settles against me, her back to my chest as she sips her drink. I know her feet must hurt by now and she's slowly falling deeper into my arms, one of her hands gripping my arm around her to stand still. I let her rest against me for some time, her smaller body just slightly moving at a leisurely pace against mine as she closes her eyes, losing herself in the music.

"Out ?", I ask, and when I feel her nod, I just drop our glasses to a table near and take her hand to lead us out.

The fresh, extremely cold air in comparison from the inside of the club hits Kensi more than me, and she shivers almost instantly when we're finally out, so I bring her closer to my side, rubbing my hands back and forth on her skin as we walk to my car.

There's no way I can drive right now, so we just climb into the backseat, waiting for alcohol to dissipate, at least enough for me to bring us home. Kensi drapes herself in the jacket I had left in the car and sits with her legs tucked under her, facing me. I have to fight hard not to let my eyes drift lower, as her position makes her dress hike up a bit, revealing that she does indeed wear panties underneath it.

"So, you want me to bring you home ?", I ask, my mind now going back to our conversation earlier at the restaurant. Kensi gives me a questioning look, so I add, "To your place."

"Why would you do that ?"

Why would I do that, I wonder. Maybe because this is the safest way to end the night, because God help me, if I'm taking her home, I'm taking her to bed. "You need to sleep."

"And I can't do that in your bed ?"

"You might have a killer headache in the morning."

"And you don't have Tylenol ?"

"Kens", I say, and she stops, now listening to me. "You really think we can just go to bed after tonight ? You _don't_ sleep with me, remember ?"

"I can sleep in the same bed as you, with you. And so can you. We've already done that, several times."

"But we've never –"

"Deeks, stop. You're taking me home, and by home, I mean your place. And tomorrow morning – _later, _actually, you're gonna make me breakfast in bed with a glass of Tylenol and everything's gonna be fine. The guys will mock us for being hangover, Hetty will probably lecture us for our carelessness and then say that youth is meant to be lived thoroughly and that's exactly what we're doing. So take me home, please."

So I take her home. It's too cold to walk there so we wait a bit longer and then I drive us home, and when I open my door, Monty comes running at us, happy to see us both.

"Down boy, no dirty paws on the lady's dress", I tell him, so he rolls on his back, waiting for his nice mistress – because I'm the Grinch tonight, to stroke him.

Kensi grips my arm and takes off her heels, now back to her normal height, and then she kneels down next to him and does just that, nuzzling her face in his fur as she tightens her arms around his neck, Monty playfully licking her face, and now I'm jealous of a dog because he can do that.

I go to my room and fold my clothes and put on clean t-shirt and boxers while Kensi babbles to Monty and plays with him. And then she looks up in my direction, and ask with that soft voice, "Maybe Monty could sleep with us tonight. He's been alone all night…"

Now she wants my dog to chaperone us ?

But I nod, and Kensi's smile stretches her lips wider. Monty follows her to my room and I scratch his ears as Kensi disappears in my bathroom with her purse and a t-shirt of mine. I'm ready to fall dead asleep on my bed when she calls out, asking me to come.

She has her back to me, her hand holding her hair. "Could you please help me with the zipper ?"

Could you please put your hands on me and stay in control, seriously, that woman is crazy. But I do as she asks, slowly pulling the zipper down, uncovering her bare back to my eyes. The zipper goes down until her very lower back, so I catch a glimpse of those really, tiny panties, that actually turn to be a thong. God, now I know why my hands met her flesh. And now I'm never gonna forget this.

"Thanks."

"You good now ?"

"I guess I can manage just fine. Thanks."

I go back to my room, and barely a couple of minutes later, Kensi joins me in bed. I'm lying on my back, and she slips under the sheets next to me, turning her back to me. And then she's tugging at me to turn too, spooning her from behind as she takes my arm and wraps it to her front. She moves against me, her behind dangerously rubbing against me, and we slide further into my side of the bed as she pats the empty space in front of her for Monty to jump on the bed too.

"You know what this feels like ? Mommy and Daddy with their baby in bed."

"Yeah", Kensi snorts, "Monty and I having to bear our retarded kid in bed."

"Wow, Fern, who would have ever thought you had a thing for mangy mutts ?"

"Now you do", she simply replies, and I hear her covering a yawn.

"Night, Princess."

"Night, you mutt."

When morning comes, Kensi declares that the only mutt she'll ever sleep with again is me, because Monty has climbed on her and licked her face during the night. I don't point out that then again, she's stating that she wants to sleep with me though she said she wouldn't.

And I nicely bring her breakfast in bed, because who am I to resist her ?


	7. Chapter 7

**So here is my take on episode 3x10 "**_**The Debt**_**". The episode in which I placed hope and faith, naively believing that it could be a turning point in Densi's relationship. But hey, I should have known that the scenarists would keep us hanging on with Kensi admitting her feelings and them never talking about it again. Just like they did with the **_**Blye, K**_**. episodes. God if life is unfair sometimes… I hope it'll live up to your expectations. Know that I really have to study so I won't update in a few days to focus on my exams, if I manage to turn my computer on and not write, that is.  
**

* * *

I've never been afraid of the dark, or the monsters lurking around under my bed; as a kid, I was more focused on the _real_ one sleeping in the room next to mine. But tonight, for the first time in my life, I'm afraid to sleep alone.

Because last night, Kensi was there. She talked me into watching Top Model though I had sworn off any chick shows from my house. She was there, sprawled on my couch, dressed in one of my smallest shirts – unbuttoned to the third button, which allowed me to take a peek of her underwear whenever she moved, and in my boxers, her bare legs stretched on my lap. She was there, quite on display for me, lazily sipping her beer and trying to steal my fries, and all I could think about was what I was about to do to her.

Because I knew what tomorrow would bring, and what harm it would do to her; our relationship, our _thing_. And here _she_ was, happy and laughing because her favorite stayed in the competition, playfully rubbing her foot on my leg so I would momentarily forget my own name so she could steal from my plate. But _me_ ? I wasn't even focusing on the tiny piece of the blue bra I could catch a glimpse of or the feel of her fingers brushing mine.

I was memorizing the sound of her laugh, the smile stretching her lips as she looked at me; what she looked like there in my clothes: a picture so familiar and still I think it makes me lose it every damn time. Because I'll never get used to this feeling, having her so close, willingly letting me in, the walls around her slowly crumbling apart.

And after today, they'll be stronger than ever. A year and a half of efforts on both parts, _ruined_ in one day; ending that tradition of bonding nights with each other, because there's just no way Kensi is going to want to see me again outside work.

I even feared for a second that she'd ask me if something was wrong, because when we got into bed, I couldn't help wrapping my arm around her and bringing her close. Kensi looked up at me with those wide eyes, ready to slap me or something, but then she didn't do a thing. Nor did she speak. Maybe she could feel that I didn't need to _talk_; but just to hold her. We've significantly progressed with the touchy-feely thing, and it comes in handy when we just can't find the words, though it only leaves me craving for more. She teased me this morning about being a sap, luring girls into trusting me with my puppy look, and then we left for OSP.

The longest day of my life. Possibly the _hardest_, too.

Having to see Kensi _worrying_ over me, _defending_ me. Ready to take down any obstacles on her way to clear _me_.

Having to stop her, when she was about to say all the things I wish I could hear her say someday. Putting down in words what I only hoped to be true, lying there deep down inside her. Seeing her this lost and hurt when I left her standing on the spot, hating herself for showing signs of weakness.

Seeing her this _broken_, and knowing I was the one who did that to her. Knowing that I had done the only thing I promised myself I never would; growing closer to becoming the jerk my dad once was. Because I hurt her even more with what I did than if I had laid a hand on her.

And you know the worst ? For a second, my heart actually beat faster at hearing her almost say what I've been waiting for so long. What I've been trying to coax her into admitting as she's been pushing and keeping me away. And I just hate myself for that. She was hurting and I was enjoying it, because thinking that I got fired is the only thing that apparently made her want to move forward.

Telling me that if we weren't partners anymore, she would give in what we _both_ want.

So that's why I'm knocking my third glass of scotch in a row, Callen, Sam and Eric looking at me with compassionate looks – and that is not something that happens so very often. I don't know how they persuaded me into heading to the bar tonight, but next thing I knew, I was here, perfectly intending to get messed up to forget about the day.

I don't think the guys really want to be there either because I'm not really good company right now, but I appreciate the gesture. We only hang out together when the whole team comes too, and we never had a male bonding night so it feels both awkward and nice I guess.

Eric feels guilty because Nell is the one who gave the game away, though he says he would have too if Kensi had cornered him. Oh, how I understand the guy; I have a gun and still I'm terrified when she gives me one of her deadly looks.

"Not her fault, this whole op was doomed to kick us in the ass by the end of the day."

"You did what you had to", Sam tells me. "Kensi understands that."

"Doesn't mean she doesn't feel betrayed and left behind."

"Kensi is a big girl. She knows it wasn't your call."

Weirdly, I don't think Kensi really cares about whether I volunteered or was forced into doing it. I don't even think she cares who made the choice, who thought about this plan. Because at the end of the day, Hetty is her boss, and Callen her team leader and Kensi _respects_ hierarchy. She follows orders when they are fair and reasonable, even when she doesn't like them.

"Still, we didn't need to lie to her, not as much at least. Once she had met with Bates, we could have filled her in. He tested her, she passed", I say.

Because this is what I'm gonna do, rewind the past day in my head, searching for everything that went wrong and how I could have prevented it. I told Hetty that Kensi was a great actress, even Callen defended her, but still, Hetty said that Clarence Fisk had been out doing his business for too long and that _nothing_ should keep us from arresting him for good. She looked at me while saying that, and that look said more than all the words in the world. It meant that even if I didn't want to, I _had_ _to_ lie to Kensi. I had to lie to my partner for the _greater_ _good_ or some other stupid reasons that we keep telling ourselves are right day after day, whenever we must lie.

I don't lie. Sometimes I make up stories to look good, but everybody does it. Sometimes I say little white lies to let a girl down without hurting her too much – though Kensi told me girls saw through that; but I don't lie. I don't lie to my partner, or to anyone I really care about. And I never thought I would ever have to with Kensi.

"Don't beat yourself up, Deeks", Callen says, "Kens knows it has nothing to do with you and her." I must look like crap suddenly because he quickly adds, "Your partnership. She knows it doesn't come down to you not _trusting_ her to get the job done or something. Hetty's call, my op…I'm sure Kens gets that."

"Sure hope so."

"She didn't kill you yet, that must be a good sign, right ?", Eric says tentatively, and I can't help cocking my eyebrow at him. Seriously, he thinks I should be happy ?

"Kens is one of our best. If she kills him, no one will ever know."

"Thanks, guys. That really helps", I snort.

The thing is, no matter what they can say, I still won't end up thinking it was worth it. By following Hetty's orders, I took advantage of what Kensi and I have, as complicated and hardly definable as it, using her to back up my cover. I used our relationship, the feelings – the friendly ones, but also the _deeper_ ones – I know she has for me, her loyalty, her faith; I used it all, and for what ?

To catch a bad guy. Because I tend to think I'm a freaking hero and that I have to save the world, that others can't do it, that I must always be the one to save the day. Because I love playing the 'guy from a broken home who wants to make the world a better place' card as my favorite excuse for whatever I do. At least, I suppose it's what it must look like from the outside, because I have the annoying tendency to find myself involved in sticky, dangerous situations when any sensible person would run away.

And now I'm afraid that by following orders, I forgot the essential.

Putting our _relationship_ first.

Because yeah, this was a relationship, and now it's back to strictly business. How can she still trust me when I played a role all day ? Because it's one thing to go undercover to bring down suspects, and another to lie to your partner to achieve it. I let her comfort me just after the shooting, using the little she knows about my family to act like the guy who doesn't know who he is anymore, _if_ he still knows where the line between good and bad is. I let her tell me that she would always be there for me, with those eyes…The hint of a tear in there; a watery, embarrassed smile on her lips. That sheepish look when she expected me to say something.

God, I can't even begin to imagine how she must have felt when she found out the whole thing was a set-up. Relieved, puzzled, irritated ? Angry, disappointed, victim of our deception ?

And telling her it has been just as hard for me, if not harder, would do no good at all. Even though it's the truth. Lying to Kensi, consciously hurting her, having to stay away, spending the day without her and knowing what she must be going through…Aching for her because I could feel what she felt, and aching to see her…

Hardest day of my life, like I said.

"Why don't you just go and talk to her then ?", Eric asks, and damn if the guy sometimes makes sense. "I mean, drinking shots after shots with us won't help, and there'll be wicked waves tomorrow, so…Go and see Kensi, offer her to come with you. Girls love beaches, no ?"

I want to ask when he'll follow his own advice with Nell, but it would be rude. After all, the guy is trying to help me.

"I wouldn't do that", Sam says, "Kensi might be still pissed enough to say yes, and then cut a hole in your swimming shorts without you noticing it."

"Devious girl, that Kensi", Callen adds, but I can sense the pride in his tone. I guess she's learnt from the best.

"She said she had plans."

"Like hell she does. If sitting on her couch with ice-cream and burning photos of you is considered a plan."

"She doesn't have any photos of me."

"Deeks. Just go and talk to her", Callen sighs, as he gives me a knowing look, one of those that says he knows best. "You know deep down that she's already forgiven you. There wasn't even something to forgive in the first place. You did your job. That's what we do."

"She won't let me in." Yeah, even I know I sound like a stubborn kid who doesn't want anyone to have the final last word.

"Then one of us will go with you as decoy so she'll open the door."

"I don't think Kensi wants to play around right about now. Enough ruse for a day."

"You want things to get better or not ?", Sam asks me with a serious look, "'Cause if you don't, just let it be then. But don't come and complain when someday it'll come to bite your ass. Acting as if nothing happened won't help."

I guess that being married gives knowledge about women to Sam that I don't possess, because what he says makes sense. I never thought I would see the day when Sam, whom everyone still suspects of having a bromantic relationship with Callen, would give me girls' advices. Hell must be freezing over.

"And what am I supposed to say ? I mean, 'hey Kens, what's up ?', doesn't really sound good right now."

They all look at me like I'm plain dumb – even Eric, the guy who plays that silly game with his _partner_, yeah, crazy – so I guess that their concern doesn't go as far as to write a speech for me. I suppose that my talkative reputation lets people think that I'm good with talking about feelings and all, but it doesn't; I don't think that Kensi will appreciate my humor and jokes tonight. Because that's what I usually do, joking around so people don't dig deeper, and it works. Except with Kensi. She always knows when to push, when I'm hiding something…I just don't get how I made it today. Sure, everyone was involved in the lie so it was harder to see it, but that Kensi didn't see right through me still makes me tick.

I don't know if that means I'm good at my job or if there's a little part of her that believes in all these blatant lies I told her. As if I would have left without saying a thing if I had really been fired. God, I'd still be in the bullpen talking if it had been for real. You don't just walk away from Kensi Blye like that.

Or maybe she thinks you can. After all, isn't it exactly what Jack did to her ?

Holy shit.

* * *

Callen finally drags me out of the bar, and now I reckon drinking wasn't really a great idea because he's driving me to Kensi's and I feel like a kid who is about to go on a long road trip with his dad who wants to give him The talk. No possible escape, because jumping out of a moving car isn't as hot as you may think.

"You know, I think Kensi is more pissed at herself for not seeing a thing than she is angry at you", he tells me. "There also must be a part of her that hates this job right now because it makes us do things we don't want to. But you ? You're just at the bottom of the list of the things she doesn't like right now. You're her partner. No matter what you do."

"Things aren't always idyllic between us."

"And they're not either with me and Sam. That's just the way it is. You and Kensi – you work. And Kensi doesn't work well with just anyone. You – you're _symbiotic_. Yin and yang, black and white, but in the end, you do mesh perfectly together."

"Doesn't it hurt to admit it ?", I tease, because I just know Callen isn't into confessions and that stuff.

"You have no idea how much. I wasn't that fond of you at the very beginning. Didn't appreciate Hetty hiding the real reason why she brought you in here. Sam wasn't happy about it, and neither was Kensi. But Sam was right earlier. You did make the team better."

Wow. And what am I supposed to say after that ? I do love external validation, but it's not like I get it so very often. And from Callen, it's just utterly unbelievable.

"Kensi…she's less reckless now. She has learnt to compromise. She listens to people's advices. You even reached the point where you finish each other's sentences or speak at the same time. You're good together. And Kensi knows it too, or she would've never fought for you like she did today."

"She did ?"

"I thought she was about to kill us when we said we couldn't do a thing for you. You should have seen her face when Sam said maybe it was better if you were gone. Could have ripped his head off and put it on a stick."

That's my girl. And I must be masochistic or crazy to like it that way. That girl so made me a goner.

We reach Kensi's place and walk to her door, me leaning against the wall as Callen knocks on her door, so when Kensi opens it, she doesn't see me.

"Oh, hi, Callen. What are you doing here ?"

"Doing you a favor", he says as he nods in my direction, and Kensi leans in the doorstep to see what he's pointing at.

"Callen, I –"

"Talk. You guys need it", Callen asserts, his tone firm but gentle. Then he tugs at my sleeve and pushes me in, throwing Kensi off balance for a second. "That's an order. A friendly one."

Then he turns on his heels and heads back to his car, and here I am, standing awkwardly at Kensi's door, and she looks up at me like all she wants to do is push me out and close it on my face. But she doesn't. She just turns back to go and sit on her couch, so I guess I'm allowed in. I close the door and walk to her, but she snorts when I try to sit next to her.

I sit on the other end of the couch, careful to let enough distance between us so she won't kick me for being too close. But then, I can't help the small smile that spreads on my lips as I take in her outfit.

"Didn't know you were LAPD", I say, gesturing to the oversized grey t-shirt she's wearing. Mine, obviously, looking way better on her than it ever did on me.

"Someone didn't return my last laundry basket", Kensi shrugs, before dropping her gaze on her linked fingers on her lap.

Is it the only reason, I wonder. "I'm not really there to talk about your choice of clothing…", I start, and Kensi lifts her head, staring at me. But there's no anger boiling up in her eyes anymore. Just disappointment I guess, that she tries to mask behind exhaustion. "Look, Kensi, I –"

"Don't start", she cuts me off, raising an open palm between us. "Don't apologize every day, don't treat me like a fragile doll. I know why you _had_ to lie to me, Deeks. Doesn't mean that I like it, but I can accept it."

"I didn't like it either."

"It didn't seem that hard though", she says softly, and behind the quiet tone of her voice, I can spot the bitterness and the hurt. "You put out a great show. That thing about being just another thug with a gun…That was good. I almost wanted to hug you there."

"Almost", I try to tease, but Kensi doesn't fall for it. She just keeps staring at me, her eyes locked with mine, the dark, intriguing shade absolutely impossible to decipher.

"You've been over-zealous for once. You didn't need to pull out that act with the guys. _Saying goodbye_. Hetty could have just told you you were no longer our liaison officer and sent you back to LAPD."

"I guess she thought it would make you –"

"Believe it ? I didn't _need_ that. I saw the look on your face when you realized the guy you shot was unarmed. Or at least, when you made it _seem_ like you'd just found out. You _shouldn't_ have done that. All of you. Forcing me to _lose_ you. Having to see the guys soften and wish you good luck. Packing your stuff…It hurt, Deeks. It really hurt."

And that is exactly what I had been trying to explain Hetty for two days, ever since we got that tip about the meeting between Fisk and the Aryans. "I know. I'm sorry. I wish I could find something better to say but that sums up the whole thing. I'm sorry we kept you in the dark. I'm sorry it _had_ to be you."

"I could have fooled Bates", Kensi argues, but she looks at me like she knows I'm perfectly aware of what she's able or not to do. "I know you must have told Hetty so. I'm just – pissed that she would think I couldn't."

"It has nothing to do with _you_, Kens", I say as I slide closer to her, and since she doesn't make a move to arrest me, I lift a hand to gently touch her hair, tucking smooth curls behind her ear. "Sometimes we need to put national interests before ours. If I had been to decide, I'd have tried to find a way to include you. But we had to act fast and think of a plan and that's the best Hetty came up with."

Kensi turns to face me, tucking one of her legs under her as the other rests balanced out of the couch. She puts her arm on the back of the couch, leaning in, her head propped on her hand. "This glamorous life we lead", she snorts. "Sometimes I'm tired of it."

"It's what we do. We swore to protect and to serve; at least that's what I did. I don't know if it's the same for you guys. But in the end we do the same, serving our country. It isn't always rewarding, but it's our job."

"Is that why you're still LAPD ?", Kensi blurts out, and I must admit it's a question I've been asking myself for quite a long time too. I just never knew Kensi wondered too.

"Maybe. I'm a cop, Kens. That's who I am, not just what I do. But – these days I'm not so sure anymore. I don't think anyone at LAPD would have fought for me the way you did." I trail my fingers softly along her jaw and she suppresses a shiver, averting my eyes.

"I just don't want to have to train another partner. Took me some time so you'd be _correct_, _almost_ qualified enough. Can't do it again."

"Yeah. Anyway, you – NCIS, is more of a _home_ now."

Kensi's eyes immediately go back to meet mine. And once the surprise – or shock ? – has gone, a small grin tugs at her lips. "LAPD must be really bad if you'd rather have Sam physically threaten you on a daily basis or bear Eric's whistling."

"I guess the perks of the job are worth it", I say softly, inhaling deeply as the smell of her shampoo fills my lungs, now Kensi has come closer, her knee bumping my leg.

"Which are…?"

"Super toys", I start, and Kensi laughs. "Unlimited credit cards. And then there's the people. If you could only meet my partner…" Kensi cocks an eyebrow at me then, her gaze softening though. "Feisty, fierce, a little bit crazy but that's what makes her so endearing. Could kick my ass in her sleep, she shoots better than any sniper. Eats her weight of donuts and still looks like a model. Better, even. I'm not sure a model would look this good in a man's clothes."

I let my hand drop to her side, turning to mirror Kensi's position on the couch, tugging softly at her waist to bring her closer. Kensi lets me, but she still looks at me with a slightly suspicious look. "Just a hug, partner. It's been a long day."

Kensi doesn't do hugs, not really. She's grown to accept the fact that I'm a cuddler and always have to drape an arm around her when we sleep, and before that, she didn't really mind when we would wake up tangled in each other, but still; hugs and Kensi don't go together. It's like trying to picture Kensi plaiting friendship bracelets.

"You think a hug will be enough ? That it'll erase the day, make me forget about what I had to go through because you are too stubborn to resign from LAPD and join NCIS definitely ?"

"You want me to ?", I ask, keeping her within arm reach, but releasing the hold I had on her waist.

"I think that's what you want too."

"So that means you want me to stick around…Sweet! Come on, a little hug to celebrate the fact that you no longer want to abandon me on the freeway and now want to adopt me ?", I plead with my puppy look combined with a gentle stroke of my fingers along her side to her hip. "Come on, Fern."

"This is not helping your case", Kensi sighs, but she lets me bring her to me anyway.

I tug at her waist until she's almost straddling my leg, her face buried in my shoulder, her breath on my neck, and I loosely wrap one arm around her, my free hand lazily toying with the ends of her hair. Kensi stays motionless for almost a minute, and then she wraps her arms around me, one tucked under mine and the other tightening around my neck, gripping my back quite forcefully, hugging me back with all she's worth.

And that's because she's so close to me, her body flush against mine, that I can feel her chest heaving quickly, her breathing more erratic and her hands clenching around the fabric of my shirt on my back.

"Hey, hey, Kens, that's okay. I'm here now. Not going anywhere", I whisper in her ear, my hand smoothing up and down her hair, stroking her head.

"Things would – be easier if I could bring myself to…God, I hate you for lying to me and yet I…"

"That's okay. I missed you too."

"I didn't miss you" Kensi quickly says, her tone still so soft, slightly shaky. "It just – it felt _wrong_. Even more than when I was paired up with Callen. You – you _left_, Deeks."

"But now I'm back."

"You left me anyway. And I – you weren't there for me like you _should_ have. You're my partner. You – I can't, without you…Never been like that before. You…_you_ _made_ _me_ like that. Turned me into a sap, sad girl who can't go on alone", Kensi rambles, and though any other day I would tease her for the embarrassing display of affection from her part, today I don't. "You made me lean on you, put my life in your hands. You got me to _trust_ you with _everything_. And then you had to go and lie and take everything back –"

"I'm sorry, Kensi. I'm so sorry."

"I don't even hate you. _Wish_ _I_ _could_. I spent all day just thinking about ways to _get_ _you_ _back_."

"And that's a bad thing ?"

"Yeah", Kensi breathes in my neck, so softly I would have missed it if her face wasn't nuzzled so close to my ear. "I should be angry at you but I'm just glad you're back. Back with us, back to me and – I just don't want you to go anywhere. _Ever_."

"I won't. Promise."

"Don't make promises you're not around to keep", Kensi says, and now her tone is more firm as she leans back, detangling herself from me. I instantly miss the warmth of her body when she sits back on the couch, putting some distance between us again as she straightens her shirt and hair.

"I would never _voluntarily_ leave, Kens. You know that."

"But it's always gonna be a possibility, something threatening to fall on us anytime. LAPD can still call you back for a long-term undercover mission, you're one of theirs."

"So what do you want from me ? You want me to resign and join NCIS ? What am I supposed to do ?"

"I just don't understand why you're so loyal to them when all they do is treating you like shit."

Part of me wants to say that it's what she does sometimes. But the other finally gets why I haven't resigned, actually. Because if this – Kensi and I, our partnership, the _thing_ – doesn't work out the way I hope, at least I'll have LAPD left. It's the plan B I hope I won't have to use.

"You like it here, with us, right ?", Kensi asks me, now painfully gripping my knee with her hands. "I'm here to have your back, you're not alone out there anymore, all by yourself, risking your life for something you believe in, but for people who don't care about you. _I_ _care_! I care, we care, Deeks. Why can't you see it ?"

"It's not about that, Kens."

"Then tell me. Explain it to me. What's so great about LAPD so you'd hold onto it this much ? You always say that people don't like you there. _We_ _like_ _you_! I – I know I'm not always easy to deal with but we – we're good, Deeks. You and me. I shouldn't have to ask you to…But _pick_ _us_. Choose NCIS. You know Hetty never wanted you as a liaison – she wants you as an agent, so just…"

Kensi's hands tighten in fists by her sides as she tries to take a deep breath. If only she knew that Hetty gave me the papers to officially become an agent, and that they're still tucked in their file, somewhere in a drawer of my desk.

"Kens ?", I try softly, my hand reaching to tip her chin up. "I _promise_ you I'll think about it. For real, weighing the pros and cons and all."

"You will ?"

"I promised. I don't break my promises, you know that."

"You said you'd call me and you never did", she says, once again flinching away from my touch.

"You said you had plans and you don't. I'm here now, if you want to talk."

"What is there to _figure_ _out_ ? You're back, so there's no need for me to give you a speech and say goodbye."

"What did you mean earlier, Kens ? When you thought I was leaving ? Don't tell me you just wanted to say goodbye." Kensi shifts on her seat, sliding as far as possible from me, but I don't let her and I grab her hand, pulling her back to me.

"Why does it matter ? You had nothing to say."

"I said I needed time to process. I had all day…", I say, letting the innuendo hang in the air. Kensi glares at me, her hand slapping mine which has been brushing her leg without her noticing until now.

"The moment is gone, Deeks."

"Because I wasn't really fired ? Come on, Kens, even you can't be that stubborn. Here you were just minutes ago almost _begging_ me to join NCIS and now you don't want to tell me that little one thing ?"

"There's nothing to say. You were the one to say there was a thing."

"You were the one to want to come out in the first place. _Damn_ _it_, _Kensi_!", I say, my hands now pulling at my hair, my tone louder. "Maybe it's time we stop playing this game, don't you think ? You pushing and me pulling. Going out, spending day and night together and still, doing nothing! There _is_ a thing, Kens! You know it, I know it; we both _feel_ it!"

Kensi gets up and backs away to her kitchen, looking at me like I've gone mad. "This was a bad idea, you –"

"No, Kens. You don't get to walk away now", I tell her, standing up to and following her until she's cornered between the counter and me. "We've been avoiding this conversation for too long. It's time we stop calling it a thing and label it with its real name."

I brace my arms around her, my hands gripping the counter as I lean in closer, leaving barely inches between our bodies. And though Kensi is quite tall, she feels incredibly small compared to me right now. Maybe because she's not putting on a fight, letting me hovering over her without punching me or trying to resist.

And we both know she could if she would.

"I've let you dictate the pace until now", I say, my tone quiet as I look at her straight in the eye. "I've let you drift away whenever it came too close for comfort. But don't you see we always go back to each other, no matter what ? There's not a week that goes by without us going out together. I spend the night here or you come to my place. We do everything together, Kens. We spend all our free time together. You know what that means, right ?"

"We're – we're friends, Deeks. That's what friends do", Kensi replies, her voice shaking, and she knows I can hear the tremor.

"No. Friends don't flirt with each other. Friends don't tease and push like we do. Friends don't wear the other's clothes because they just can't admit they've missed them, and that they want something to feel like they're here", I whisper in her ear as I let one of my hands brush the skin just under the hem of her t-shirt. "Why do you fight so hard against it, Kens ? Tell me."

I hear her breath catch as my fingers slide lower, meeting the skin of her lower back. "Deeks…", she pleads, and when I turn around to look at her face, I see that her eyes are closed, and her bottom lip caught between her teeth.

"What ? Tell me you don't want it and I'll stop. Just say the word."

"This is…the worst idea ever, you know it."

"How can something that _feels_ _so_ _right_ be wrong, Kens ? You want it, I want it, and we've danced around it for too long! What are you so scared of ?"

"I'm not _scared_!"

Of all the things I've said, of course this would be the one to make her tick. "Prove it. Stop fighting. Why do you have to go and make things more complicated than they should be ? Happiness doesn't have to be _this_ hard!"

Sensing that she hasn't really resisted until now, Kensi tries to push me away from her, but her attempt is so weak, so unlike her – something she knows I'm perfectly aware of, that it's almost ridiculous. She just has her hands flat on my chest, barely pushing me. But her eyes are fluttering close, averting mine, her lips pressed in a thin line.

"We both know you'd have me crying on the ground if you didn't want this. But you're not even punching me. I haven't heard you telling me to go."

Kensi lifts her face to look at me, and that's when I just can't take it anymore. My hands leave her hips to go up, cupping her face, my thumbs gently stroking her cheeks, and I lean closer, my body now pressed fully against hers, our faces so close I can feel her sharp breath mingling with mine.

"You can punch me if you don't want this. You can stop me. But you know you won't."

And with that, I kiss her.

Yeah, I, Marty Deeks, kiss Kensi Blye. My partner, my friend – maybe my very best friend. My stunning, fierce, brave, kick-ass, absolutely amazing partner.

And let me tell you something: she feels incredible.

I barely brush my lips with hers at first, tentatively pecking them, waiting for the punch that, like I predicted, doesn't come. Kensi stays completely still for a few seconds, and then, with her meaning to or not, I don't know, I feel her lips parting against mine.

I have to repeat in my head that I should go slow or I'd just kiss her senseless and carry her to her room, no questions asked. So for a minute, I just brush my lips on hers, pulling back before claiming her mouth again, my lips softly moving against her, my tongue tracing her bottom lip, dropping little kisses at the corner of her mouth. I can feel her warm breath brushing past her teeth and it just drives me crazy. I thread my fingers in her hair, bringing her face closer, gently angling her head so I can deepen the kiss, and when I feel her hands clenching around the collar of my shirt, I just say a little prayer and go for it.

And _honestly_, that's all it takes. And I guess that all those months of teasing and flirting, barely covering jealously and resentment at the simple idea of the other being into someone else, or someone showing interest; all these wasted months spent hiding what we felt, dancing around it, pushing and pulling; the bickering and the annoyance, they all led us to _this_.

You know, whenever I thought about it, this wasn't how things would go. I've always imagined I guess that Kensi and I would end up kissing and making out after a rough case, the kisses filled with unresolved sexual tension brought up to the light by anger issues and insecurities. I thought that alcohol might be involved, that we wouldn't take the time to appreciate it, rushing things, committing to each other in a way that should not bind partners, co-workers.

But it's nothing like that. It's soft and gentle, yet filled with passion, Kensi bringing me closer as my tongue darts into her mouth, caressing hers; both of us losing ourselves in a frenzy of deep, intimate kisses. Languid and sensual, and nothing short of mind-blowing. She literally takes my breath away, but I just can't stop kissing her. It's intoxicating, but the best way to die. My lungs hurt, my mind is dizzy but nothing compares to the feel of Kensi this pliant, eagerly returning my kisses, her hands now tugging at my hair as mine have found their way back to her hips, pressing her lower body against mine.

And Kensi _moaning_ into my mouth is the sweetest undoing I've ever known. I'm no Superman, but Kensi is definitely the most delicious kryptonite in the world, both weakening me to the knees, my legs trembling as I struggle to stay still, only wanting to walk us back to the couch, and making me stronger at the same time, like I could do anything as long as I have her and this.

It feels like love, it _tastes_ like it, and it's from far the best feeling in the world.

"Deeks…", she whispers against my jaw as I leave her lips to kiss her neck, gently sucking at her pulse point. "Oh God…You have to stop."

"Why ?"

"Because I…I can't think if you do _that_", she slurs as I lick her skin to soothe the sting of my biting.

"Don't think then."

"I have to…God, Deeks, _please_."

I pull back, my hands still gripping her waist firmly, and I look up to take a look at Kensi for the first time since I've begun kissing her. Her face is covered by the cutest blush, her lips swollen and rosy, her eyes wide open. Her curls are even messier because of my tugging, and I can feel the heat still radiating from her, her hands still clenching my shirt.

And in her eyes, I can see that she loved every single of this, even though I just know she's gonna say something. Something I won't like.

So I don't let her. I cup her cheeks again, and I lock my eyes with hers. "Don't think, Kens. Just…how did it feel ? This was amazing. And you know that together, we're just extraordinary. And maybe we could be happy someday on our own, but I'd rather be amazing with you. But I'm not pushing, okay ? It's in your hands now. I'll let you decide. Take your time. Meanwhile, we'll do as we always do, until you realize what I've realized a long time ago…we're _better_ _together_, Princess. You know we are. It won't be awkward, because this doesn't change us. You bring out the best in me, and I just hope you realize that maybe you're better with me."

I've never seen Kensi like this. It's just like she's in state of shock. I can feel her slightly trembling, goose bumps appearing on her bare arms, and her lips are shaking as she tries to form words that don't come out.

I lean once again, dropping a last, gentle kiss on her lips, my forehead touching hers as I whisper, "It's up to you Kens. Whenever you're ready, in a week, in a year, tell me. I'll be waiting."

"Okay."

And I think that this will be my favorite word from now on. Until the day she says "I do", I guess. God, that's gonna be a long way to go.

I should leave her alone, give her some time and space to think about it. But I can't. So when she tugs at my hand, leading us back to the couch, I follow her gladly and lie down first, bringing her on top of me. I see the look of panic in her eyes when she realizes just how close we are and how different it feels from all those other times when we've landed in the exact same position, because _now_, now it won't ever be like before.

And honestly ? I'm not complaining.

And now I know how Kensi tastes, I think I can wait for her to be ready to repeat the experience. God, I just hope she doesn't take forever because Kensi Blye is the sweetest forbidden fruit.


	8. Chapter 8

**Timeline : set after 3x11 "**_**Higher **__**Power"**_**. I re-watched the episode and loved it more than the first (four, actually) time I've seen it. So here's my take on what could have happened before the show came back with 3x12 "**_**The **__**Watchers**_**". Thanks again for the amazing feedback on "**_**The **__**Debt"**_**! This piece is shorter than the others because I intend to do small takes on **_**Exit **__**Strategy**_**, **_**Partners**_** or **_**Crimeleon**_** before bringing again a longer chapter for the Blye, K. episodes.**

* * *

You'd think that kissing changed the way Kensi and I are. But you'd be wrong. The first few minutes after were awkward, Kensi shifting on top of me to find the better position, clearly struggling between the want to _cuddle_ like we always do – though she always says that she never does that intentionally, and the obvious change in the air from our earlier actions. But then, it all went back to normal pretty quickly. We watched a movie, Kensi would glare at me from time to time, still pissed at what I did to her, and all in all, I didn't really mind because I knew she had forgiven me.

She said that maybe I should go but I barely had touched the door handle when she called me back, saying that if I left, it would mean that I thought she was still too angry and that she wasn't. I guess it made sense in her head, and she was clearly confused herself, but I got the essential part. She wanted me there, so I stayed, careful to sleep on my side of the bed but still finding Kensi curled up to my side when we woke up the next morning.

And then at work, we did like we always do. She teased me, I teased back, going back and forth to this banter without which we wouldn't be us. The only difference was that I just _couldn't_ tear my mind from the memory of how her lips taste. But I'm quite proud at how professional I still managed to be.

But still, Kensi was a little bit pissed at me. At least _enough_ to hide things from me. I know we never made plans, but I just assumed that since Christmas hasn't been her favorite day for a long time, we might spend it together again. I'd have brought her to the shelter again, or do anything else she wanted, so she wouldn't think of what that day means to her – what it _meant_ before Jack had to destroy it for her, ruining all the happy childhood memories I'm sure she has with her dad.

But apparently, Kensi never contemplated it as she went to Hawaii again.

I spent the day trying to get her to let me go with her, but she can be stubborn when she wants, as I'm sure you have noticed. I don't know why, but I could feel that part of her would have appreciated some company – aka me, because I don't think she goes there for fun. But I guess that she also wanted to put some distance between us to clear her mind and think about us without me harassing her. So I gave her that body wash and she smiled at me, that soft smile she only gives me when I do something right. I could have asked her again at that moment but it would have ruined it, so I let her go.

It's a shame, because Hawaii is a wonderful place, or so I've been told. Great waves, so I could have taught Kensi how to surf, and then, it's so romantic, right ? I think it must be ranked pretty high in best honeymoon places. I mean, come on: sun, beaches, dancers with that flowery stuff. People are happy in Hawaii. But then again, we can go there later, on our actual honeymoon, for starters. Or Australia; after all, I did say we'd go there if we came out alive from that infernal room.

But well, maybe we'll go next year. She said she would go alone and that I knew what it meant. And though I said I had to go and pick her up at the airport, I got the underlying meaning loud and clear: _stay_ _away_. I don't think she wanted to be mean or say that she didn't want _me_ there; she just needed to do whatever she did there alone. Or maybe she's just not ready _yet_ to say what she does there.

So on Christmas Eve, I went to the shelter again, only to have people asking me if they'd get to see my pretty girlfriend anytime soon. Yeah, wherever I go, Kensi shadows me. And at midnight, I received a text from said pretty girl with an attached picture of the beach and great waves. '_Mele_ _Kalikimaka_. _K_.' It wasn't much, and I'd have loved it if she could have been a bit more – _cheery_, effusive, but at least she didn't just forget about me during her trip.

But today is the 30th and Kensi's plane is gonna land in about an hour so I should get ready to pick her up. I just can't stand another day listening to her techno radio station like I had to last time I overslept and forgot to go and get her.

You know, in movies, it's always incredibly romantic when a guy comes to pick up his girl after days of unbearable separation. But Kensi isn't my girl, and I don't think it's been that hard for her to be away from me. But still, the least I can do is to get back into her good books, so I make sure to stop by the florist first. Yeah, awfully cheesy and totally unlike anything Kensi _should_ love – the girls whose first love is her _gun_, but I know there's this little part of her who will love it anyway. Girls dig flowers – and my hair. But I won't offer her a strand of my hair; that just sounds creepy. It makes me think of a movie where the weirdo collects the hair of the girls he abducts and…Creepy, like I said. So flowers it is. And to be sure they're meaningful, I actually ask the girl at the shop for help. I wanted something that says that I'm sorry for prying, that I missed her and that I'm glad she's back. Among other things. And apparently, there's not one flower that means all of it, so I end up with a bunch of flowers whose names I don't even know, but it's pretty nice so I guess that's what Kensi will notice first.

So here I am, standing at the airport with my flowers in one hand behind my back and my eyes going back and forth between my watch and the terminal, craning my neck to spot Kensi among the crowd of people leaving the airport. And after a couple of minutes, there she is.

She looks a bit sleepy, but no surprise for a girl who has spent hours in a plane, probably tucked between a talkative old lady and a vomiting baby. But to me, she looks gorgeous. She has her hair down in their natural waves, that little pink t-shirt she should wear more often, and my favorite pair of jeans – skinny, dark jeans that just make her body even more to die for.

Kensi smiles at me when she finally sees me, and though she doesn't run to me to jump in my arms, she does walk just a bit faster. And then she stops right in front of me, barely inches between us, her eyes sparkling, clearly saying that yeah, she did miss me too.

"Hey, pretty girl."

"You're so cheesy!"

"But you like it that way", I say, grinning. "That's no way to greet your partner who nicely came to pick you up."

"You're right. Thanks, Deeks", Kensi says, and then she punches me lightly. "What's behind your back ?"

"You wanna know ?", I tease, and she nods, looking like a little girl all of a sudden. "Close your eyes then."

"You're not gonna kiss me, right ? Because that would be really lame."

"I guess you'll just have to trust me if you want to know so badly."

Kensi glares at me and then she closes her eyes, so I gently take her hand and curl her fingers around the bunch of flowers. A small smile tugs at her lips even before she opens them again as she inhales deeply the sweet combination of all the flowers.

"Flowers. Nice", Kensi says appreciatively as she buries her nose in the flowers. "I should go more often if you greet me like this."

"No", I reply, too quickly to hide just how much I don't like the idea. "So, do I get a hug or something ?", I ask, trying to dismiss it.

"Or something", Kensi just says, and then she wraps one arm around my waist and comes closer, pressing her body against my side. I squeeze her body closer and lean in, dropping a little kiss on her temple. I feel her smile more than I see it, and Kensi doesn't pull back, so I guess it's okay.

"I know you're going to mock me for being so sentimental, but I missed you, partner."

"I kinda missed your babbling. But then I spent the past hours sitting next to a two-year old and believe me, now I don't anymore."

"I'm really feeling the love right now, Fern!"

"Oh, shut up, Deeks. You know I missed you too. _Happy_ now ?", Kensi asks me as she pulls back, her hand still on my hip though.

"Yeah. Very happy. I'd be happier if I knew why you had to go and leave me alone, but hey, you can't always get what you want."

"Yeah…", she sighs, her eyes drifting over me briefly, and she sounds so exhausted I don't push for once. "Can we go home now ?"

I nod and grab her suitcase, and though she tells me she could have handled it, she gives me a gentle smile that says _thank_ _you_. I loop my free arm around her shoulders and bump my hip with hers, and Kensi laughs that tiny laugh, and now I realize just how much I've missed that. Us. But mostly, _all_ _about_ _Kensi_, from her smiles to the way she rolls her eyes, slaps or punches me. From her sweet scent that now smells like the body wash I gave her to the feel of having her so close, though I'm just being a good friend right now.

God, I just wish she never leaves again.

She dozes off in the car almost immediately after settling down, and that's when I really notice the dark rings under her eyes. Whatever she's doing abroad, it's not doing any good to her, that much is clear. If I didn't know any better, I'd even dare to think that her eyes are this puffy because she cried – a lot. But Kensi _doesn't_ cry. The only time I almost believed she was about to was…not so long ago, and I'd rather not think about it. So, let's just say that she looks really tired.

I can't help but wish she had let me go with her. Not to pry on things that she has clearly let me know I had no right to ask about, but only so she wouldn't be alone. To make her laugh and forget about whatever she was there for. I know it sounds quite presumptuous, but I think Kensi could use a laugh sometimes, and I'm usually the one person who can help her with that – even if it means I'm the thing she laughs at. I don't care, as long as it means that she doesn't withdraw and retreat to that shell of hers, unbreakable and not even willing to let anyone take a little peek.

_Anyone but me._

That's a fact, the _undeniable_ truth that nothing or no one can ever take away from me. However far away Kensi pushes me sometimes, I'm still the only one she _allows_ this close. And I know just how much this is telling about her – because Kensi doesn't let just _anyone_ in. There are days when I even think that she hasn't since a long time, maybe since Jack. I know she has been working with Callen and Sam and been friends with them for long, but what she shares with them ? I don't think it can quite compare to what _we_ have. Whatever this might be right about now – the trust you place into a friend, a confident; this feeling you get when you're with someone that makes it special, I don't know. But I think that I may be _that_ to Kensi. At least I sure hope so.

She's still fast asleep when we reach her house. And what's even more unusual is that she just hums softly and turns around in her seat when I lay a hand on her shoulder and try to wake her. So I just reach for her purse, take her keys and let her sleep a bit more as I take her suitcase and flowers and walk to her door. I know she'll groan and complain when she wakes up – something along the lines of me sneaking in her place when she's not there, searching her underwear drawer and creepy stuff like that. But, she's tired and doesn't look that good so she might not punch me as hard as she would any other day. It's a risk I'm willing to take.

Any other day, I'd make the most of being alone in her place to tidy it, because it really comes close to something pathological. It's like Kensi can't live _without_ her mess. It gets worse and worse whenever I come; there's clothes folded on her couch, stuff scattered on the floor. All kind of stuff. Papers, magazines, old boxes of take-outs; I don't even know how she makes it to her room without stumbling. I for sure don't know how _I_ do it. I guess I've learnt the hard way – knocking my foot in a box full of jelly bracelets and falling onwards once, and now I know where I can step or not; but still, I think I should call for help. One month away in one of those nice, peaceful retreats dealing with her anger issues, repetitive death threats and hoarder compulsive disorder should do some good to her.

But I settle with putting her suitcase in her room and the flowers in a vase – how I manage to find one in the clutter, I don't know – and then brow a pot of coffee; Kensi's _oxygen_, really. The only thing missing is a overly sugary, jelly donut, but I'm not sure Kensi would appreciate it if I went for a run to the nearest convenience store, leaving her asleep in my car. I'm not even sure she's not gonna kill me for letting her sleep a few minutes more. Yeah, I know, that girl doesn't make any sense; anyone else would think it's a sweet gesture, but Kensi ? I can already hear her rambling about how I always have to treat her like a little girl and blablabla.

God, I love her, but sometimes her stubbornness just makes me want to knock some sense into her – literally.

She's leaning against the windowsill when I come back to the car, so I hop in again, this time rubbing my hand up and down her arm until her eyes slowly blink open. "Hi there, Sleeping Beauty."

Kensi doesn't even roll her eyes, so it tells you how tired she must be. She just smiles softly before straightening up, unbuckling her seat belt and stretching to soothe away the tension built up in her aching muscles.

"I've been out for long ?"

"All the way from the airport", I shrug, pointing at her house. "There's coffee waiting for you inside."

"Oh God, Deeks, you're the best!"

"Can I record this ? You know, so I can use it next time you say –"

"Don't, Deeks", Kensi cuts me off, putting her forefinger on my lips. And I do recall a similar situation when she actually dislocated mine for daring to do such a thing. "You're great, period. You're the best partner I ever had, period. And you're the best for knowing what I needed so badly right now. Period. Understood ?"

"Huh-uh. This doesn't leave this car, right ?"

"Nope. But we are. God, I need that coffee…"

I watch her storm out of the car, almost running to her door to get to her precious coffee, and all I can really focus on is how much I don't understand her sometimes. If I'm the best, why does she have to make things so hard between us ? Seriously, have I been a total jerk in another life to deserve this ? It's like _karma_ is kicking me in the ass for something I don't even remember doing.

So I follow her inside, finding Kensi almost purring as she takes a slow sip, both hands around her cup. She's curled up in the couch – in the _small_ space left by her stuff, so I sit down in the armchair near there, watching her. She doesn't even protest nor complain about me coming in without her permission; Kensi just empties her cup, the colors slowly coming back to her previously pale face.

She sighs before putting it on her coffee table – I don't think she knows that it's its use, because there's anything _but_ coffee on there. "A bath and a donut, and then it'd be perfect", she says.

"I'd offer to help you with the bath thing but I don't have a death wish", I tease, and Kensi slightly bows her head, giving me credit for knowing how to pick my battles. "But – I could do something about that donut. What about I go out and get us some food while you take a bath ? And then, just you and me and lots of sugar and a movie ?"

"I'd rather go to the beach…"

"You just got back from Hawaii. Aren't you tired of the beach ?", I ask, really surprised. Kensi isn't really a beach girl. I have to promise to buy her two dozens of donuts if I want her to come with me in the morning when I go surfing.

"It's just been a long time since we've been there together…", Kensi replies, a sheepish look on her face as she bows her head again, suddenly finding her linked fingers on her lap very interesting.

But she's right. Actually, it's been quite some time since we did _anything_ together. We've been fine at work, but we haven't spent a night out or at each other's place ever since I kissed her – well, actually she kissed me back, so I guess I could say since _we_ kissed. Nor _talked_ about it, now I come to think of it. I told her I would wait, and so Kensi has decided to take her time.

But she also knows the beach is my favorite place on earth, and she's making an effort for me, so I nod and tell her I'm going to head home to bring Monty back while she takes her bath. I'm at her door, ready to leave when she speaks again, her voice coming from just behind me, and there she is, standing barely inches away from me.

"Thanks, Deeks. It was really nice of you to come and pick me up after…You didn't have to."

"Do you think I'm the kind of guy who does things because someone forces him into ?"

"Yeah. When it's me _threatening_ you", she whispers, and then the softest smile tugs at her lips. She comes closer, her eyes never leaving mine as she tip-toes to reach my face, her lips brushing on my cheek. "But thanks anyway. And for the flowers too. I do appreciate the thought behind them."

"You do ?", I ask, with now a slight uncertainty creeping in – maybe I should have paid more attention to what the girl at the shop was saying, because I just _don't_ know what the thought behind is. I did say I wanted something so Kensi would know how much I've missed her, but what if this girl was another hopeless romantic who put _embarrassing_ flowers ? Like 'I'll love you until the day I die' kind of flower.

Not that it's not true – all exaggeration aside (_not_ _really_, but Kensi doesn't need to know that), but now is _not_ the best time for confessing my undying, inconveniently ridiculous love.

"I do", Kensi whispers, and it sounds just like I thought it would. Maybe she should practice it with a white dress, just to check if it sounds as good – and maybe I should go and see a shrink because I'm getting rather _obsessed_ about this. "It's been a long time since…someone offered me flowers. Well, the very last time it was also you but…"

"I'm glad you like them."

"I _love_ them. Go, now, Monty is probably worrying like mad. He might even be chewing on everything – drooling on your comics. You don't want that."

"You would lend me yours, right ?"

"I'd _probably_ let you read them – under my watch", Kensi replies, grinning, a gleam of mischief in her dark eyes. "With latex gloves so you won't let your sticky prints on them."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence. I'll have you know that I won a hygiene award."

"I know that. Ever noticed how you constantly brag about three things ? Your hygiene, your law degree and your so-called innate gift at flirting. And of all three, there's only one you can be proud of."

"I'm sensing that it's _not_ my irresistible charm."

"Nope. And I'm not even really sure about that degree. I mean, I've never seen your diploma."

"Like Agent Kensi Blye can't use her resources to check if I'm listed in the Bar of California or not." I will never go if she keeps finding something else to say, so I let her win. "Okay, I'm not irresistible, I smell like a guy who sleeps with a dog in his bed and I have a law degree that is of no use. You win. Now I'm gonna get going and I'll be back in half an hour."

"Deeks…"

"It's okay", I cut her off, "Jelly or chocolate ?"

"Chocolate and jelly."

"I should've known. Later, Kens."

I don't turn around as I leave, because I don't need to; I know she's still at her door, watching me leave, wondering if she pushed the joke too far, once again. But for once, I don't really mind if she feels guilty for a little bit; why would it always have to be me ?

I know it's not fair. I told her I would wait for her to give me a proper answer, but I never said I could. As if it were this easy to see her every day, dreading that she could say no and walk away anytime. Part of me hopes that it's taking her this long because she's slowly letting her walls fall down, my arguments and her feelings working their magic; but there's also this tiny part that fears she's only thinking of a way to let me down nicely.

Or she still doesn't know herself.

Either she's going to drive me crazy, or turn my hair white – and I do love the actual arrangement of my hair, so I'd rather not.

_Women_.

Kensi.

Now I understand why they say it's Eve that tempted Adam. I'm sure the poor guy was just minding his own business and then she had to go and blink her eyelashes, make this adorable pout, her lips so kissable he _had_ _to_; come on! Okay, maybe it's not the real story but you know what I mean. Girls. They always have to do this, be all adorable and beautiful with pretty smiles and gorgeous eyes and then, you don't even know how it happened, you're halfway in love with them and you're so deep in you do crazy things.

Kissing them.

Being stupid enough to say something like "Take all the time you need". God, why does she need so much time ? Is it this hard to give your heart what it wants and deserves ? I mean, the more time she takes, the more reasons she'll find. Because you always find reasons not to give into what you really want when you look for them. But I guess that at some point you have to stop.

Being happy isn't about questioning yourself.

God if only Kensi could see that.

* * *

I'm back half an hour later, like I promised. Monty jumps on Kensi – yeah, I know, it's unfair he has the right to do that; and it's rather humiliating that he loves her so much when he doesn't do this when I've been gone for a long time. Kensi looks better now she's all freshen up, and I would just stay here openly staring at her if she wasn't already looking at me with interest.

Or at least, looking at what I have in my hands.

"Since when do you have a picnic basket ?"

"Since about…20 minutes ago, I think", I say. "I'm sure you haven't eaten a thing in the plane so I thought we could skip lunch and have a late brunch ? Everything you love is in there."

"_Everything_ ?", she asks, her eyes narrowing as she tilts her head to the side.

"Cupcakes. Blueberry muffins, jelly and chocolate donuts. Coffee, pancakes, syrop, honey. Well, not everything, but enough for you to have an indigestion", I shrug.

"You say the prettiest things, Deeks. Just let me take a hoodie and I'm good."

"Don't need to. I have everything in the car. I'm not gonna let you start 2012 with a cold."

We walk to my car and Kensi doesn't even fight with me to get to drive it or insist on us taking hers. She just opens the backseat door for Monty to climb in and settles on the passenger seat. And when she does, she smiles the prettiest smile I've ever seen.

"You still have that slanket ?", she asks as she wraps it around her, her smile just spreading wider as the warmth of it sinking into her.

"Of course I do. You took time choosing such a personal gift for me. And it's really nice – we cuddle a lot. When you're not in my bed, that said." Kensi cocks an eyebrow at me but she doesn't seem to find anything smart to throw back.

It's not a long drive to the beach, and as we park, she takes a look around and when she sees there's no one here (come on, December 30th, who goes to the beach at that time of the year ? I mean, okay, we're in L.A., but get real), she climbs out of the car with the slanket still tightly wrapped around her. She takes Monty's leash and leads him to the beach as I retrieve all the stuff for our little picnic – and that I bought just minutes ago because the guy at the store seemed to think I _needed_ all of it. I guess it means we're going to have to go on romantic walks more often, ending up having picnics in pretty places, under the stars and…

Get real, Deeks.

I spread a blanket on the sand and Kensi slumps onto it, setting Monty free who immediately comes to snuggle up against her; turning _traitor_ for a girl. And once I'm sat beside her, she just attacks me to get to the basket. I mean, literally. She doesn't let me take the time to take all the items out of the basket, drowning her pancakes under tons of syrup and all. No; Kensi's hands reach for it like she hasn't eaten in days.

"You had me with syrup", she just says when she catches me staring at her – because, yeah, this time, I do stare. Kensi going on all animal mode because she's hungry is a sight to see.

"Distorting a movie quote to explain your eating disorders ? Tsss, Kens. You could do so much better", I tease her, pouring coffee in a cup for her.

"I'm not even arguing with you. I'm savoring", she says, her mouth full of pieces of pancakes. "Oh God…"

"You know, I've never seen a girl eat with such gusto. Don't girls usually fake eating ? Like you just eat a piece of carrot and say your stomach is full ?"

Kensi just looks at me with wide eyes, and I guess it was stupid to ask; I do know Kensi isn't one of these girls. Not because she cares about her weight – I mean, she does, obviously, just take a look at her body, but because it would be impossible for her not to eat. Whenever we have dinner together, she finishes my plate; she eats all the other Twinkies in the box before I can even reach for a second. The only sweets she deigns to share are Oreos – and only when I'm very good, a thing that doesn't happen a lot, in her book. I can't even begin to imagine what it will be like the day she's pregnant. Or maybe it'll have some kind of reverse power and she will only eat healthy stuff. Yeah, when Hell freezes over.

And I'm really in trouble deep if all I can think about is Kensi in a white dress or with a baby bump.

I look at her as she licks the sugar from her fingers, chewing on the last piece of donut left – and I'm not telling you how many donuts, cupcakes, muffins she just ate, because it would make you sick to the stomach. And Kensi looks back, a lazy smile on her lips, her hair flying around and her cheeks rosy because of the wind.

_Beautiful_.

She's scratching Monty behind the ear when I ask tentatively: "So, do you – you want to talk about your trip ?"

"Yeah…", Kensi starts, and for a minute, she's silent, focusing on the puppy snuggled to her. But her voice is just a whisper when she speaks again. "I want to but I won't. I shouldn't."

"Why ?" That girl really has a problem. Never doing what she really wants seems to be quite recurrent with her.

"There are things…things I'm not ready to share _yet_. Things that I'll tell you about someday, but not now. Not until they get clearer for me first."

"But you do know you can tell me anything ? Whenever you want, whenever you need."

"I know. And I will. Not today, though", Kensi says, her brown eyes locking with mine as she comes closer. "There are still things we don't know about each other and I'll keep it that way for a bit longer. It could…If I tell you, you'll feel concerned. And I don't want you to think you have to jump if I jump."

"You know I would. It has nothing to do with _having_ _to_. You're my partner, Kens. You fall, I fall; or rather, I try my best to get both of us back on track."

"_Deeks_…"

"Don't Deeks me, Kens. Not with that pleading voice. You're my partner. You're my person. You're the one I do everything with. So whatever bothers you, bothers me. If you don't want to talk to me now, that's fine; but don't tell me I'm not committed. _I_ _am_. You and me, it's something. Everything."

Kensi looks up at me, her mouth slightly open, her lips parted in a frozen, silent gasp. I don't get why she's still shocked about this. I've told her thousands times that she wouldn't get rid of me that easily. What part of '_anytime_, _anywhere'_ doesn't she understand ?

But then she moves, shifting until she's sitting between my legs that she has forced open, dare I clarify, facing away from me. She takes my arm and wraps it around her – what am I, a teddy bear ? Not that I mind, but still, she could ask before instead of thinking that it's fine to use me as a pillow and then leave me aching because she's so close and I'm expected to behave.

Seriously, she's evil. We're on the beach, alone – it's cold but it's still a romantic place for us only. And she does just this. How am I supposed to behave ? It would be so easy to gently lay her down and kiss her, making her mind so dizzy she wouldn't find any good argument against it.

But no. She just settles against my chest and speaks again, her voice just above a whisper. "I didn't go to Hawaii for fun. That's why I didn't want you to come with me. I had things to get done. I went there alone and stayed that way for the week. That's all I can say for now."

"Tell me you didn't spend Christmas alone."

She shifts in my arms, and she kneels in front of me, reaching for her bag. "Close your eyes", she says.

"You can kiss me if you want. I wouldn't find it lame."

I feel her sigh on my face and then I feel something being tucked in my hands. Then she tells me I can open my eyes and there's a weirdly wrapped gift on my lap. "I've never been good with wrapping", Kensi confesses, a sheepish smile on her lips. "Open it."

It's a plaid shirt, one that looks like the one that burnt, bravely saving us from being electrocuted. "Oh, Kens –"

"I spent Christmas day looking for one that looked like yours. Going from one shop to another. But then I found that one. It's not exactly the same but –"

"Shut up, Kens", I say, and she would glare at me for saying that if she wasn't staring at me with wide eyes as I gently cup her face with my hands. "I'm gonna kiss you, Kensi. Right now. Because _this_ – this is the nicest thing someone has ever done for me. Just a tiny, gentle kiss. Just like when your parents get you a ticket for a concert of your favorite band and you're so excited you'd kiss anyone. I'm gonna kiss you because I'm happy, and you're not gonna freak out, okay ?"

She is already freaking out.

But oh so slowly, she nods.

So I bring her face closer, my lips hovering over hers as I see her brown eyes focused on mine. I don't know if it's shock in there, but there's definitely something. "Close your eyes. It's not polite to stare."

And once she closes her eyes, I softly peck her lips, the touch of mine just firm enough so she parts hers. And as easily as it would be to go on and kiss her senseless, I stop. I just let the sensation of her breath mingling with mine go on for a few seconds more, my thumbs stroking her jaw and I drop little kisses on her mouth before letting her go.

"Just to help you figure things out", I say, but Kensi isn't even listening to me. At least, I don't think she hears me because all she seems to be focused on is her fingers softly brushing her shaking lips, the taste of mine still lingering there.

Then she comes out of her trance and lies back against me, bringing me down with her as I am now on my back on the sand, Kensi resting against my side. And soon enough, I feel her soft breathing on me, so I just wrap my arm and the slanket tighter around her and take a nap too.

Drifting into sleep, daring to believe now that 2012 will be a different year, bringing all I wished for. And if Kensi letting me kiss her again is any indication, I get the feeling it's gonna be a great year.


	9. Chapter 9

**Timeline : set after 3x13 "_Exit_ _Strategy_". I don't know what you thought of this episode, but though I loved the Christopher Stone & Darcy interaction, what made me tick more was the scene when Deeks asks Kensi if she is a tomboy because her dad wanted a boy so badly. It still gets to me each time I watch the episode, this brief second when she looks like she could kill him on the spot.**

* * *

Being a LAPD detective or the liaison officer at NCIS implies many things. I have to acknowledge the fact that I'm putting my life at risk every day. I have to be one hundred and ten percent ready and at the top of my game because my partner and my team are leaning on me, Kensi trusting me to have her back. In our line of work, you get shot, stabbed, beaten up; there's not a day without an injury, as minor as it is. So far, Kensi tapped me with an electric knife, we were blown up several times, I got shot because some stupid guy thought that hurting me would help him get to her (okay, he got that one right, since Kensi did spend her day at my bedside), I almost broke my hand punching Stan King for her…

Let's say that I've had my fair share of injuries. But it's what I do.

Although, as I'm re-reading the contract Hetty made me sign almost two years ago, I can't find the slightest hint about having to stand there, holding my breath, as Kensi is knotting my tie. Because undercover cops don't wear ties, nor do they have hot, gorgeous partners dressed with a leopard, sort of see-through blouse, barely inches from them.

You see, I've never been the kind of guy turned on by leopard. First, because I don't understand why girls would like to look like animals; I mean, most girls are afraid of snakes or crocodiles and still they wear shoes or have purses made with them. That's weird. And then, there's this small matter of with what I associate leopard. Two things come to my mind when you say leopard. The first one is overly flirty, fat ladies at the pool, dressed in leopard swimsuits that cover almost nothing – and when you're 17, you're more interested in girls your age in small bikinis that women who could be your grandmother. And the second one, well…

Before you even go there, I'd rather emphasize the fact that I've never – _ever_ – needed to pay for it. I'm not bragging, but really, do you think I need to pay for girls to drool all over me ? So, that leads me to the second thing: hookers. They are great snitches for a cop, because weirdly, whenever someone is reported missing, or a politician is murdered in a dark alley, it always comes down to them. Rich men seeing them in a squalid motel when they told their wives they had late reunions, the girls seeing things they shouldn't have… Great source of information, if you should know.

So, until today, leopard as always been kinda vulgar to me; the only exception maybe being strippers. Not that I spend my time in strip clubs but – well, you get the point. But now that I've seen Kensi in it, I'm not so against it anymore. And there might be the tiniest part of me that is picturing quite vividly Kensi dancing and gripping and swirling around a pole…Okay, I'm a pig. No, erase that – _I'm_ _a_ _man_. A man with a stunning partner that was never mentioned in his contract. No one said I would have to work every day with LA's finest, particularly when she has to get dressed like..._this_.

So yeah, maybe I've stepped _a_ _bit_ out of line today; made some not so appropriate comments – is it my fault if anything she says sounds dirty when she speaks in another language ? It's the tone of her voice, I swear; it's so utterly wrong it makes me think of things I definitely shouldn't. Very _graphic_ things. But it's all her fault; last time a girl drove me this crazy and made me wait so long…It never happened; not even when I was in high school. And getting to boss around a pliant, sobbing Kensi wasn't enough to relieve the tension. So here I am, doing the only thing that could really help: _paperwork_. Major turn-off.

"What are you still doing here, Mr. Deeks ?", Hetty's sneaky voice comes from behind me. No need to say I startle and jump like an idiot.

"Oh God, Hetty, you're gonna be the death of me someday", I say, rubbing my hand over my heart.

"I do hope not, Mr. Deeks. It's hard to find good agents these days. Is everything alright ?"

"Yeah, of course. Why ?"

"You're doing paperwork. _In_ _time_. Even before I threaten you with my letter opener. And you're here all alone. Don't you have better things to do than staying late at the office ?"

"Mmh…I guess I wanted to get this over with – you know, so I won't have to do it later in a hurry. It's called growing up, right ?", I say with a small grin.

"Where's your partner ?", Hetty asks me, not even reacting to my poor attempt at a joke.

"How would I know ?" Like hell I don't. Kensi has headed to the gym half an hour ago, probably beating the shit out of that poor punching ball. That's what she does whenever there are things bothering her and when she can't – or don't want to find words to express them. And right now, Kensi is pissed at me because I've been a jerk all day and there's this part of her that worries about Sam and what today's op did to him and she'll _never_ admit it. So she trains.

"Oh. I just thought that there must be a reason why you've been staring blankly in the gym's direction for the past twenty minutes", Hetty just says, with that know-it-all tone that always makes me feel like an idiot.

Hetty +1000 / Deeks game over. "Do you always have to know everything ?"

"That's my job, Mr. Deeks. I wouldn't be doing it right if I didn't have a sixth sense."

"And it has nothing to do with all the cameras here ?", I ask, and Hetty fakes an innocent look. "I don't think that's legal, actually."

"This is a federal agency, Mr. Deeks. We have to keep track of everything in here. But this is not what I was thinking of when I came to talk to you. Go home, you don't look good."

Thanks, I guess. Do I look like crap ? "I'm fine."

"Ms. Blye is rubbing off on you. But regarding this particular habit, I'm not so sure it is a good thing."

"I'm fine, Hetty. I just feel bad for Sam. We all do. Some covers end pretty badly…The outcome is never pretty when you have to do that sort of things…" And I do know what I'm talking about. There isn't a day when I don't think of all the men I've been, all these aliases and the things I had to do when I was them. And there are days I wonder if it's really worth it; all the pain I've caused being sometimes worse and weighing more than the good I did.

Hetty looks at me with a puzzled look on her face, her eyebrows slightly frown. But then she just lays her hand on my shoulder and gives it a gentle squeeze. "Only a good man would feel this way, Mr. Deeks. Now go home. You all had a long day. You should tell your partner to do the same."

"I think she has some unresolved issues to let out with the punching ball right now", I snort, but I see that Hetty knows better than to let the lightness of my tone hide the real concern behind it. I don't know how they do it, Kensi and Hetty; I've never believed in women's supposedly sixth sense, but those two ? They can read me like an open book. And undercover has made me a good liar, so that means something.

Hetty gives me _that_ look, the one I can spot sometimes on the guys' faces. The one that says they all know how I feel about Kensi but they're nice enough for once not to talk about it and throw it to my face as their usual teasing. Can I help it if I'm that obvious ? I cannot not worry about Kensi. I can't help the change in my tone when I speak about her, or the persistent looks I send her way. And right now, I suppose it's crystal clear just how much I'm hooked and caught in between the want to go and see her to apologize and the uncertainty or fear of the outcome.

Because the comments I made when she came out of the changing room with that leopard thing aren't the worst thing I did today. I upset her, _hurt_ her, and I never, ever meant to. I just don't know what's going on with Kensi these days but my jokes don't make her laugh anymore. And when I mentioned her dad and her tomboy attitude earlier, I caught a glimpse of real hurt before she punched me and went back to _normal_. And the thing with Kensi is that she never talks again about it; she just hits me or tells me to shut up and then it's put in the past. But I'd really want to know why she doesn't talk to me anymore since she came back from Hawaii.

She said she talked with men who knew her dad but learnt nothing new, but I don't believe her. If that Granger guy wants to know so badly about her trips, they have to be important. And I don't know how to feel about the fact that my partner visibly doesn't trust me enough to share. It wouldn't matter this much if Kensi was just a work partner. But as you know, she isn't. _Never_ _been_.

I guess that saying that her father wanted a boy so badly when she already told me they were best friends wasn't the smartest thing to say. And maybe talking to these men reawakened feelings she had buried so deep down she might have forgotten about them. And I just made it worse by opening my big mouth. Way to go, Deeks.

Sometimes I don't even know how my mind works because one moment I was daydreaming about Kensi and I enjoying the large desk and private office I'm sure a guy like Christopher Stone must have – God, I'm _so_ gonna burn in Hell. And the next moment, I'm worrying myself sick about what I may have or not done to Kensi.

"I think you should talk to your partner, Mr. Deeks. The longer she stays in there, the scarier she'll be when she comes out."

"And why do you think that _me_ talking to Kensi can do any good to her ?"

"Because you're her partner. This is what partners do. And whatever is bothering you is of no real importance, because at the end of the day, you _are_ Ms. Blye's partner and whatever you think you did wrong, doesn't really matter to her. You're a good man, Mr. Deeks. Be sure that she knows this. Good night."

And with that, Hetty pats my shoulder one last time before leaving me even more confused than before, if possible. Sometimes I wonder why she is so good to me. First, she hired me – and I still don't know why. She gave me a chance though I must be the most hated cop LAPD has ever had. She saved my ass when LAPD didn't move a finger, and most people there still hate me for taking Scarli down, dirty cop or not – like I did it on purpose. But _somehow_, she did so much more; she gave me a home, friends: people that truly care about me. And above all, she gave me Kensi.

Kensi isn't the kind of woman you give away, but without Hetty, I wouldn't know that. I wouldn't know Kensi, I would've never met her and worked with her, getting to know the amazing woman she is. I mean, in a city so big like L.A., the chances that I would have met her another way are close to none. And even if I had hit on her in a club or something, I wouldn't have had with her what I have now.

I remember the day I said I knew what Cinderella must have felt like with her step-mother, but actually, Hetty is my fairy godmother. She _saved_ my life. Before I joined the team, I spent my life doing my job but without anyone really caring. There was no one to come home to, no one to share things with. And though Kensi and I don't live together and she made it quite clear that she isn't as in deep as me, she's that person for me. I wake up in the morning because I want to see her, I bear her jokes because I'm glad she likes me enough to tease me. My life is better because of her. _Thanks_ _to_ _her_. Thanks to them; to Hetty for watching over us like she did, and to Kensi because her name only means everything.

And I feel even more guilty for hurting her, because she means everything to me and ruining things seems to be the only thing I'm good at.

I get up but my legs just don't seem to want to head to the gym. I end up in front of Hetty's desk and she looks up at me, a second cup of tea waiting for me, obviously.

"You should get paid for this", I say as I sit down in the chair facing her. "You don't need a degree to be better than Nate at understanding people."

"Privilege of age, Mr. Deeks. Wisdom and insight come as one grows old."

"That sounds like something you'd find in a fortune cookie. But knowing you, it must be from some wise guy I've never heard of."

"Lange, Henrietta", Hetty says, sipping her tea but her eyes are locked with mine. "What's bothering you, Mr. Deeks ?"

"Do you – do you know…Did Kensi talk to you about her trips to Hawaii ?", I ask, and I see Hetty's lips closing in a thin line. "She told me she talked to some men who knew her dad but –"

"I think you should ask her yourself."

"No, I – I don't mean to pry. I don't wanna know why, at least I don't want _you_ to tell me. I just…" I thread the fingers of one hand in my messy curls, pulling at my hair in my search for words. "I just hope she knows she can talk to someone. And…_you're_ _Hetty_. You have all the answers, you know everything. If there's something to turn to, it's you."

"I don't think Kensi needs to rely on me. She has _you_ for that."

"Yeah…", I sigh, drinking the last sip of my tea – I don't really like tea but I guess it's better than coffee right now. I don't need any more energy, or I'll spend the night thinking about this all over again.

"If she is going to talk to someone, then it'll be you. Don't doubt that. And if she doesn't, then she's not going to talk at all. Though we both know she loathes the idea, Kensi knows she's in good hands with you."

This conversation is getting weirder and weirder. Since when does Hetty dedicate this much time to my relationship with Kensi ? And since when I have been crazy enough to come to her like this ? I don't trust my voice right now so I just nod and put my cup back on the desk, and after wishing Hetty a good night, I finally gather my courage and head to the gym.

* * *

Kensi isn't training like I thought she was. She is sitting on the floor, her back to the wall and she's staring resolutely in front of her. And that doesn't bode at all well. Kensi is a fighter; she doesn't just let life overwhelm her. She should be sparring with me or hitting the firing range, practicing on full-sized pictures of me, shooting these versions of me in the groin like she loves to. She should have offered the guys to go out for a drink, to forget about the day; letting alcohol clouding her brain until it works for her too. Because even if she's gonna deny it until her dying day, Kensi worries about the team even more than me about her. If only it could make her less reckless so I won't have a heart attack anytime soon; that would be the cherry on top.

"Kens ?", I call out, and Kensi lifts up her face though I'm sure she heard me coming in.

"I didn't know you were still there."

"I wouldn't leave without you", I say as I slide to the floor next to her. "The car ain't driving itself." Kensi laughs, but it doesn't sound right. "You're still mad at me ?"

"I was never mad."

"You still think I'm an idiot then ?"

"You're always being an idiot. But that's what makes you…_you_." Kensi whispers, turning to face me. There's no hint of anger in her eyes, just exhaustion; _emptiness_. There's no fierce spark tonight.

"I'm sorry for what I said", I reply, my voice just as low as hers, and I know she gets what I'm referring to. "It didn't come out the way I planned, but still – I shouldn't have said that."

"You were right, in a way", Kensi says, her eyes landing somewhere behind me. "My dad didn't know much about girls, so he did raise me like a boy, or at least unlike what most people would expect from a girl."

"And that's a good thing, Kens. You wouldn't be Wonder Woman if all you cared about was your mani-pedi!" It makes Kensi smile, a tiny smile slowly stretching her lips upwards. "I never meant to be hurtful and I especially didn't want to show any disrespect to your dad."

"I know. You don't need to tell me. You're used to people walking all over you and still, you're the most decent guy I know. I'm not mad because of what you said…"

"What is it then, Kens ? You do know you can tell me anything. I'm always here for you."

Kensi sniffs and leans her head back to the wall, staring at the ceiling now. I mirror her actions and shifts so we're sitting closer, our legs touching, my shoulder bumping into hers. I hear her sigh several times, trying to regulate her breathing that is heaving by the minute.

"It's just that…sometimes I'm not so sure if I ever really knew my dad. He was always gone, and…People tell me that he used to talk about me all the time but – I just wish he could have been there to talk _to_ me."

"I'm sure he would have loved that too. But, mmh…He spent his life doing what he thought was right, just like you do, right ? So I guess that it's what he would have wanted for you. Doing something that matters."

"You didn't even know him", Kensi says as she lets out a small laugh and lifts her hand to her eyes, brushing them quickly.

"That's what any good dad would want. And after everything you told me – going camping with him, learning how to hotwire a plane…I _know_ your dad was the best."

Kensi doesn't reply and we stay in silence for a couple of minutes. But the soothing feeling of having her so close, the warmth of her body sinking into my side, is enough to make it comfortable. At least now I know she doesn't resent me. I put one hand on her knee, my thumb stroking her denim-clad leg, and then Kensi turns to look at me, our faces so close her nose almost bumps with mine.

"You know", she starts, her eyes slowly fluttering close from the exhaustion, "there are days I think you and I is the worst idea ever conceived. And there are others when I think I wouldn't be able to work with anyone else the way I do with you. Like you and me were…_meant_ _to_ _be_."

"I wouldn't want to work with anyone else but you either."

"I wouldn't talk about everything like I do with you with anyone else", Kensi confesses, "Not even with Callen or Sam."

"I'm flattered", I tell her as I let my hand on her knee slowly slide up until it's resting on her forearm, my fingers gently lacing around it. "I really am, Princess."

"I wouldn't let anyone else call me Princess. I don't even want you to call me like this but – I _can't_ tell you not to, if that makes any sense", she says, but it feels more like she is talking to herself. "It wouldn't be us without it. You give me corny nicknames and I punch you but that's how _we_ work, right ?"

I smile at her and nod, and then I'm on my feet, reaching with my hand to help her up. "You know what else we do ?", I ask, and there may be a little gleam of mischief in my eyes because Kensi cocks an eyebrow at me. But yet, she lets her fingers grip mine just a bit longer than necessary before dropping my hand, her arm resting against her side. "We learn from each other. Would you believe it if I told you I didn't know how to build a campfire ?"

Kensi's smile spreads wider on her lips and her eyes just reflect her amusement. "You're a city boy, of course you don't know. There's always so many lights on in L.A., you would never need that."

"True, true", I admit, laughing too now. "But then you've never been to a roller rink and every teenager _needs_ that. I mean, it's basically mandatory that you should go to a roller rink at least once in your life. I even reckon it's in the Constitution."

"I can so picture you bringing a new girl every week to kiss under a disco ball !", Kensi teases me.

"And that's exactly what I'm planning on doing right now!", I say, and I see Kensi's eyes blinking almost ridiculously. But then I finally register what I've just said. "I mean, if you would like to see what it's like…I could bring you to the place I used to go as a kid."

"Maybe some other time. Right now, all I want is a nice, long shower", Kensi says, and then she stares at me with wide eyes. "What, no dirty comment about you joining me ? Are you feeling alright, Deeks ?", she adds, putting the back of her hand on my forehead

"I think I've done enough today", I say, momentarily thrown off balance by the feel of her palm on me. "You wanna do something after ?"

"I'm tired, Deeks. But we could do that this week-end, right ?", she quickly adds upon seeing the disappointment in my eyes. "We could go to your roller rink and I'll let you teach me how to skate, and then you'll find us a private beach where no one will see us and I'll show you how to build a campfire. You can even buy marshmallows."

"Is eating marshmallows considered going out for dinner ? 'Cause spending the day together _and_ the night…That sounds like someone really wants to spend time with me. I'd even say it feels like a _second_ _date_."

I wink at Kensi and she just rolls her eyes, but she doesn't deny it. "Someone is quite full of himself today. Wearing a suit didn't help, you feel like you're important now."

"Can I help it if that turns you on ?", I tease, and Kensi's mouth falls open, her lips slightly parting from shock. She looks cute, in a way, but mostly hilarious. "It's not my fault if you're a naughty little librarian with an affinity for nooses and ties. Not that I mind."

I expected Kensi to slap me or throw an insult back, running to the showers and threatening me of body harm if I'm still there when she comes out. But she doesn't do any of this. She just looks up at me and holds my gaze, her dark eyes gleaming with that little spark of lust. But then she speaks, and the spell is broken: "You know the first thing I'd do ? I would gag you. And then I would keep you hanging on. _That's_ my idea of fun."And then Kensi turns around and walks to the locker-room, her light laugh still resounding in my ears.

God, like I needed her to say something like this.

* * *

I'm waiting for Kensi outside the locker-room, leaning against the wall, and once she comes out, she immediately gives me a suspicious look. "Why are you grinning like this ? You're up to something. And I'm sure it's no good."

"We're all alone. Even Hetty left…"

"And what is that supposed to mean ?"

"She confiscated sodas from Eric and Nell earlier, and we both know you have enough candy in your drawer to last a week. We could improvise a little kiddie dinner here. You didn't want to go out", I add when I see Kensi giving me a weird look.

"Oh. Okay, then. But I'll tell Hetty you tricked me into doing it when she finds out."

"She won't. And even if she does, it's not like we're thieves. She was the one to take them from Eric and Nell in the first place. Try to live a bit dangerously sometimes, Fern."

"I think our life is dangerous enough already."

"Who would have known Kensi Kick-Ass Blye was such a chicken ?", I mock her, and Kensi nudges me in the ribs hard enough to make me bow and hold my side. "Dear God, Kens, you have to stop with that! I'm your _partner_, I won't be of any use if you send me to the hospital."

"But it makes me feel so good inside", she pouts as she slumps into the couch in the bullpen.

"You have some serious mental issues, you know that ?"

"Most of them are because of you."

I have a smart retort dying to come out, but it stays at the tip of my tongue. I could say I'm driving her crazy because she's a fool for me, but that would only lead to Kensi hitting me again and ruining the atmosphere I'm trying to set up. And talking about her hypothetical urges towards me won't help mine staying far away for long.

Kensi watches me as I saunter to Hetty's desk, searching for the sodas. "There won't be a loud alarm waking up the entire neighborhood, Kens. This is not a temple or a museum."

"If you want to believe so. Just know that I'll blame it on you."

"You do know there are cameras all over the place ? Hetty will know you were totally willing."

"Just shut up and bring me something to eat, Deeks", Kensi says, and she props her feet on the coffee table she has dragged in front of her. "And turn the screen around."

"You do know it's not a TV, right ?"

"Of course I do. But I know Callen's password. Our team leader with a higher clearance than us, which means we can have access to things he woudn't willingly share. Like records of old missions. Have you ever heard of Sam and Callen's op in a gay club four years ago ?"

That girl is devious. But God if she doesn't talk pretty. "Does Callen know you have his password ?", I ask, tilting my head to the side and watching her from under my lashes as I sit down next to her.

"What he doesn't know can't hurt him", Kensi shrugs as she takes a bottle from the pack in my arms. "And I may have coaxed Eric into teaching me a bit of hacking to get it. He was so happy someone would take an interest in it he didn't even ask why I wanted to know."

"This is what I love about you, Kens. I challenge you to lighten up and live dangerously and you always live up beyond my wildest expectations."

Kensi grins and tilts her chin up with a proud look on her face. "You know I could get yours like this."

"I have nothing to hide", I simply reply, and Kensi suddenly looks confused, the tone of my voice probably telling more than I intended to.

She goes back to drinking her soda and devouring donut after donut as she opens Callen's hidden files and shows me the _best_ _video_ _ever_. I've never thought Callen could dance like that. Oh God, I'll never look the guy in the eye the same way now.

We laugh and now I can feel the tension of the day slowly fading, Kensi and I going back to normal – at least to what we know, because nothing about us is ever normal. She almost eats all the candy and barely deigns to give me a bit of her last donut, the corner of her mouth covered with sugar and her fingers sticky that she wipes on my jeans – back to normal, like I said.

But then she turns to face me, one leg tucked under her, and though I can spot the first hint of embarrassment of her now rosy cheeks, her eyes lock with mine. "You know, my dad and I…we would do this a lot – eat candy and ice-cream, lots of sugary things while watching TV. He wasn't a great cook and he never got me to eat vegetables anyway. It's been a long time since I've done that…at least until I met you."

"It's not really healthy but it did your body good, apparently", I say, letting my eyes roam all over her. Kensi must be the only woman who can eat this much and still look like this – _this_ being absolutely downright stunning. "Sounds like fun."

"My dad was very funny. You would think that being a Marine means he was strict and by the book, but…He wasn't a Marine when he was home; he was _just_ my dad."

"Then why don't you ever want to talk about him ?", I ask, and Kensi looks at me, confusion set in her eyes. "I mean, he seemed to be a great man and – I don't know, you have so many happy memories with him, it's weird that you keep them all bottled up inside."

"Because that's all they are. _Memories_. There's no point in recalling them because it won't bring him back, will it ?"

I've always thought that Kensi didn't talk because she was a secretive person; I would have never guessed that it was because it hurt her. I don't talk about my past because there's nothing worth telling in there; no happy memories, no funny stories about my family. And I've always assumed that people who have really known what happiness is would never let it go. But it doesn't work like this with Kensi, because she has lost it. She knew what it felt like to have a perfect life and then things went awfully wrong. I guess that in the end, I'm the lucky one, because I moved on; I simply forgot about it and went on with my life.

But Kensi hasn't.

So I slowly lift my hand to brush her hair away from her face, smoothing it back behind her ear. "It's not because your dad is gone that you can't think about all the amazing things you did together. _Nothing_ lasts forever, Kens. Doesn't mean you can't enjoy them. You have to let the bad memories in the past and hold onto the ones that mean something to you."

Kensi bites down on her lip, the cheery ambiance of the candy, the funny videos and our little intrusion in OSP long forgotten. "It just – it _hurts_. Because when I talk about him, I _almost_ forget that he is dead. For a second, I just feel good. And then I remember. I remember the morning when the military police came to my house and told me there wouldn't be awesome camping trips anymore. No more Christmas nights watching TV and eating ice-cream, no more week-ends spent restoring his old car…"

What am I supposed to say ? That hurting is better than feeling nothing at all ? Maybe, but that's not what she needs to hear. This isn't what she needs to feel. Kensi should allow herself to take comfort in her memories instead of denying herself the right to.

"You know, sometimes…memories help you through", I start, not knowing where I'm going exactly with this one. But Kensi looks so lost, hung at my every word that I feel like I have to go on now. "When we had to lie to you…I thought you would never want to talk to me again. And that – you know, memories would be all I had _left_. And though I knew we were making a mistake, I thought that at least I had been lucky because I did have good memories to hold onto in the first place. It's like I could live in a world where you hated me if I knew that it hadn't always been this way, you see ?"

Kensi nods, although I'm not really sure she gets it. Or _believes_ it – I will always wonder who did this to her and how, slowly breaking Kensi Blye until the only thing she believes in is that people will let her down at some point. What was the turning point that made her lose faith and think that she wasn't worth the effort.

Though it doesn't take a lot of efforts to love her. It's as simple as _breathing_ for me.

"What I'm trying to say is that I'd rather lose you and win you back, fight to get you back all over again, than living in a world where I never met you. And I think it's the same for your dad. You'd rather have one perfect day with him, one perfect memory, than nothing at all. And you're right; you won't get to spend another day with him. But the memories ? No one can take them away from you. No one but _you_. Don't do that to yourself, Kens."

Kensi shifts and sits closer to me, her legs twining with mine on the coffee table, and I put my arm around her on the back of the couch. Then she cranes her neck up and looks up at me, her brown orbs welling, though we both know she won't let the tears fall. But there are here, and Kensi is letting me see them. No shame, no embarrassment there.

Just _trust_.

"You know, I think my dad would have loved you. Or hated you, depending on the day", she finally says as she snuggles closer, reaching over my other side to grab Oreos.

"Like you do ?"

"You get on my nerves. You annoy me to no end; your rambling, your jokes…There are days I want to rip your head off your neck and play ball with it with Monty. I can't stand it when you're right, especially when you seem to know me better than I do. I don't like it when you flirt with suspects or witnesses when you don't need to", Kensi enumerates. "But…_I_ _don't_ _hate_ _you_."

"Then you love me." It's not a question, and as presumptuous as it sounds, it's the only logical explanation. It's one way or another, and if she doesn't hate me, then she loves me. _Simple_, right ?

"You wouldn't be here if I didn't. Hetty would have never kept you if you and I didn't work out well."

"That's not what I meant."

"I know. But that's all you'll get", Kensi says. "I wouldn't want you to think I'm softening on you."

"I would never dare to assume something like this, Fern. But even if you were…that wouldn't make you any weaker. Not in my book. I wouldn't mind if you decided to lay your head on my shoulder and hug me, you know."

"Of course you wouldn't", Kensi snorts, but still, she doesn't pull back. She just lays her head on my arm behind her and sighs. "Okay. Let's say we sit there and I talk about my feelings. What if it doesn't make me feel any better ?"

"You won't know until you try."

"That's what you said when you coaxed me into surfing. And I think I still have water in my lungs."

"You only tried once, Kens. You can't always succeed at the first try. Come on, just give it a try."

"Okay…I was 13 when my dad tried to teach me how to drive in the base –"

"God, that explains a lot!" Kensi gives me a stern look and I try to control my laughter. "Sorry, go on."

And she goes on, for the entire night. And then at some point Kensi does lay her head on my shoulder and scoot closer, hugging me, her arms wrapped around me and before we know it, we're falling asleep.

We wake up at 7, me still sitting, my entire body stiff and my muscles aching, and Kensi's head is resting on my lap. Fortunately, the bullpen is silent and there's no sign of Hetty or the rest of the team. So we just head out, going to our respective cars to go home and change before going back as if nothing ever happened.

I walk Kensi to her car and open her door for her and she slides in. I lean in, my arms crossed on her open window and say, "You know, I think that even if your dad did want a boy, he must have been glad to have a girl. More than glad. I will be lucky if my daughter is like you."

"You'll be lucky if a woman wants to have your kid."

"I'm an optimistic, _baby_ _girl_."

"Deeks! I didn't tell you so you could use it against me!"

"I wouldn't be me if I didn't tease you. You wouldn't want to think I'm a softie, right ?" And with that, I leave an exasperated Kensi and walk to my car.

Two hours later, we cross the threshold of OSP together, only to find Hetty holding a Twinkie wrapper in her hand. Oh, bugger…


	10. Chapter 10

**Timeline : set after 3x14 '**_**Partners**_**.' Seriously, how is it possible that Kensi has never seen **_**Raiders **__**of **__**the **__**Lost **__**Ark**_** ? I love rom-coms but Indiana Jones and Star Wars are classics, come on! Luckily for her, Deeks is there to make up for her lack of culture!  
This is just a little short piece to take my mind off neurology and until I find inspiration again for the following chapters.**

* * *

Kensi has just come out of the shower, her still damp curls framing her face, and she is wearing sweat pants and a pink tank top when I knock on her door. There's a little hint of surprise in her eyes before they widen even more, matching the joy reflected by the huge smile on her lips when she sees what I'm holding in my arms.

Girls are _so_ easy sometimes.

"God, Deeks, what is that for ?", she asks me, though she quickly reaches with her hands to take the creamy chocolate cake from me. "Oh God, sometimes I…come on in!", she says, stepping aside to let me in.

Note to myself: a sugar-filled Kensi is a happy Kensi. That can come in handy the day I seriously piss her off. "Well, I figured that there was no reason why Sam and Callen would be the only ones to celebrate. So here's to us!"

"Maybe it's because it's _their_ fifth anniversary and not ours ?", Kensi suggests, licking the finger she has just dipped in the cream of the cake.

"I know that, silly. Our anniversary is on April 6th." At that, Kensi gives me a strange look and cocks an eyebrow. "What ?"

"How do you even know that ?"

"Hellooo ? I was there _too_ the first time we've met!", I say, stating the obvious.

"You're not supposed to remember. You _really_ are the girl in this relationship", she sighs, but the genuine smile on her lips says otherwise; she's not exasperated at all that I do remember.

"You said relationship again. And I'll have you know that after spending weeks with sweaty guys, you do remember the day a pretty girl comes in."

"Yeah. Like you haven't made the most of being undercover to hit on girls and show them your muscles, _Wyler_", Kensi snorts, and she heads to her kitchen and puts the cake on the counter while she retrieves beers from the bridge.

"Okay, can we go back to the moment when you think I'm sweet for bringing you a cake ?", I ask, and Kensi smiles. "Here, that's what I was looking for."

She comes back with a plate of pasta and the beers – we do have a serious problem with alcohol, sometimes I'm afraid of how much of our relationship revolves around nights sitting there and drinking. She joins me on the couch and ogles the bag at my feet. "What's in there ?"

"Well, _partner_, in there lies what you've been missing your entire life", I say with that mysterious tone that does make wonder with kids or naïve girls – you just don't know how many of them fall for it.

"A brand new assault rifle ?", Kensi says, clapping her hands delightfully.

"You're just hopeless, Kens", I reply, rolling my eyes. "A pony, I could have understood. Or, on a more romantic note, I'd have gladly appreciated if you had said you had been waiting for _me. _But a rifle ? That's insane. Scary, even. I don't know how you could have passed any psychological eval to become an agent. Aren't they supposed _not_ to give a gun to someone like you ?"

"You know, you should definitely join a circus. I'm sure people there would love to throw knives at you just so you stop talking!"

"Only if you do the show with the lions. In a tight, figure-hugging little red dress. With sparkles." Why the idea of Kensi and a lion fighting and Kensi obviously winning turns me on, I don't know. Maybe I should ask Hetty when – if – Nate comes back. Because I'm definitely not talking about this to Hetty.

Kensi looks at me like I've just said something utterly stupid – and she's not that wrong. It reminds me of the day when I tried to explain her how canine minds worked. If only someone could tell me how hers does…But then she just laughs and steals my bottle of beer from me, swallowing the last sip. "So, what's in there that's gonna make me have the time of my life ?"

"Well, glad that you're finally admitting I can rock your world", I tell her, and Kensi's lips part as her eyes narrow before she punches me. "Okay, okay, not my best choice of words." I rub my hand on my shoulder, really trying hard to suppress the whine that dies to come out because God if she has strength. "This partnership will never last five years if you kill me before!"

"Then maybe you should try to learn your lessons", Kensi says with that sarcastic tone, the _only_ thing I don't like about her.

"And maybe you should try to soften a bit. Here I am bringing you a cake and the promise of a night to remember and you hit me. Who does that ?", I throw back.

Seriously, who does that ? I know Kensi loves to play hard-to-get, but it's really taking a toll on my health, both physical and mental. You just don't know how many times I've wanted to pin her to the wall and kiss her just so she won't punch me again. The momentary loss of control would maybe make her understand just how hard it is to be her friend sometimes. It's like she lives to _ruin_ my every move: I give her a sweet nickname and she threatens me to emasculate me if I say it again; I tell her she looks gorgeous and she accuses me of being a perv. That girl does seriously have a problem. Either she can't accept a compliment – but excuse me, when you look like that, you have to learn to; or she just can't stand anything related to me and that's definitely a problem because like it or not, she's stuck with me until one of us dies.

Or until she shoots me, which is way more probable.

I've always been under the impression that girls loved it when guys were considerate and thoughtful. You know, like remembering anniversaries and birthdays, offering gifts out of the blue or making compliments. But apparently, Kensi isn't a girl – or at least, not the average girl who giggles and blinks her lashes and rolls her hair around her finger. And though most days I don't care, or more precisely, I do love that in her, there are also days it's utterly frustrating because I just don't know what to do to make her happy. Well, I do have some ideas, like letting her shoot me, but is it too much to ask for something that won't put my life or my ability to procreate in jeopardy ?

Because you perfectly know where Kensi loves practicing her shooting skills.

Oh, boy.

Sometimes she makes it really hard to love her.

So I put my plate down on her coffee table and get up. "You know what ? I'm just gonna head home. Enjoy your cake."

"What ? But – Deeks, come on!"

"Why ?", I ask, my tone just a bit louder than I wanted, and harsher. "It always ends up like this with you. I pull and you push. I'm just trying to play nice and it never seems to please you. And it's my fault too because I've let you dictate the pace until now but…"

It's always easier in your head. Because whenever I'm really hurt by her words or frustrated at her lack of reactions, I just put it in a corner of my mind and forget about it. But right now, tonight is just adding itself to all those other moments when Kensi has to do this; _pretend_ that she doesn't like me, that I annoy her and all. I can be annoying, but I guess that when you're friends you're supposed to see past it.

And there are days I'm just not so sure anymore if we're really friends. Because all Kensi seems to notice about me are the things that annoy her. And it's getting harder and harder to repeat to myself that it's just the way she is. Because she never teases or mocks the guys like she does with me, so I know she can be sweet when she wants.

She apparently just doesn't want to be with me.

And though it's hard to be mad at her, I just can't stop. Not even with Kensi looking at me like she's never seen me before, her eyes wide open, her lips slightly parted. And I can see her bottom lip trembling.

But right now I don't care. I had this all night planned in my head and we were supposed to have fun. Kensi would eat the whole cake and barely give me a little piece and then I'd tell her she looks gorgeous with chocolate all over her face and she'd say I have mental issues. Like we _always_ do. And then she would have said "Aaah" at the end of _Raiders_ _of_ _the_ _Lost_ _Ark_ because now she knew what I was referring to earlier today at the warehouse.

And then maybe she would have given me a little kiss for the last gift I brought her.

But no, because God and Kensi have decided that no, I wasn't allowed to spend one peaceful night when I don't feel like all I am to her is the brother she loves to hate. One night when we don't fight like cats and dogs and when she actually acts like a girl who is happy to spend some bonding time with a friend.

Most days I don't think about it, or it would drive me crazy. Spending hours wondering what I am to her exactly. _Scared_ to actually find out. But tonight, it's like I can't stand it anymore.

"Deeks…", she starts as she gets up too, reaching for my arm. I'm about to pull it back but her fingers grab it gently. "Deeks. Oh God, Deeks." Is she trying to jinx my name or what ? "I was just being mean with no reason. I'm sorry. Please, stay."

"You really want me to ?", I ask, my voice barely above a whisper as I search for the truth in her brown orbs that are averting mine.

"Would have I let you in if I didn't ? Tonight, or any other night ? Look, Deeks…", she sighs, biting the nail of the thumb of her free hand as the other slides down, holding my wrist. "I'm not a sweet girl, okay ? I don't do friendship bracelets and hugs. But, hmm – I do appreciate that you do. I – I _need_ it, in a way. You're kind and you do adorable things and I'm dark and twisty, and this ?", she whispers, gesturing between us, and she finally locks her gaze with mine. "It means something to me. It means _a_ _lot_, actually. That you're still there, dealing with me even when I'm mean to you. And you're right, I should try to make efforts too because you _deserve_ it. I'm always asking you to change for me and I never try to see it your way. I'm sorry."

"I don't mind making efforts. It's just –"

"I'm asking you to change when I'm not willing to do so myself. And I shouldn't even ask it in the first place because this is _not_ what I want. I like the goofy, funny you. The one who celebrates non-anniversaries", Kensi says, her low voice, but the prettiest smile on her lips. "You hear me, Deeks ? I like _you_. Cheeky, pushy you. Sweet, caring you. And I'm sorry for not showing it."

"I'm not asking you to –"

"Shh", Kensi whispers, putting her index finger on my lips, the touch so soft I barely feel it. "This is not about you asking me to do things – it's about me _finally_ doing them. For you, and for us to work out better. There's no reason why you'd have to bear with my bad habit of pushing people away and never saying the things that matter without putting up a fight sometimes. I was wrong to act like this. So could you please stay now ? I really do want to spend the night with you."

How am I supposed to say no to her right now ? How can I stay mad at her when she's looking up at me like this, her eyes blinking back the wetness that is gathering at the corner, her bottom lip caught between her pearly whites and her fingers gently tightening around my wrist, tugging at my arm to bring me back to the couch with her ?

"I'm sorry, Deeks. I really am. You don't deserve to have me treat you this way when all you ever do is doing what _I_ want", she goes on, her voice slightly shaking now.

"Hey, hey, I didn't mean to upset you, Kens", I say, now quite at a loss to what to do. I was just angry earlier, but I never meant for her to question herself and be on the verge of tears.

She's not a monster. And it isn't like the way she acts isn't totally _understandable_.

We're quite similar, all differences aside. We've both loved and been hurt. I've decided to put it behind me and laugh it off, and Kensi acts like nothing ever matters because it's easier that way. You can't be hurt again if you don't let people get close to you. It's what I did too. All the Jessicas, Millies and Emmas in the world never lasted more than a few days, and when it got too serious, I dialed down the charm and wit so they'd give up on me. None of them actually seemed to care when I'd tell them it was over.

But I don't want to do it again with Kensi.

_I can't._

And I can't let her do it with me either. Because she and I ? I think we can put an end to the vicious circle. Two messed-up people should give something good, right ? All the negative sides combined to form something _great_.

"Can I know what you brought now ?", she asks, pointing at my bag.

"Yeah, sure. I thought we could have a movie night ?", I say as I take the DVDs from my bag. "And I figured that since you've never seen _Raiders_ _of_ _the_ _Lost_ _Ark_, maybe we could watch the entire trilogy tonight ?"

"Oh. Deeks…" God, she loves my name tonight. "That's really nice. Just let me put all of this in the dishwasher and then I'll bring the cake, okay ?"

She gets up and retrieves our dinner on the coffee table while I switch off the lights so the atmosphere will be more favorable for watching a movie. And when I turn around after adjusting the pillows and blanket on the couch, the only light in her place comes from a vanilla flavored candle Kensi is holding in her hand, a plate with a piece of cake in the other as she's walking back to me.

"I don't have candles. Cake candles", she adds as she sits down next to me, one leg tucked underneath her. "But that should do the trick, right ?"

I nod and then take a closer look at the plate. Two spoons. "We're sharing ?"

"Yeah. I should really try to eat a bit less. And that will be easier that way…" I don't get to ask what way she's referring to because barely a couple of seconds later and she is snuggled up to my side and my arm instantly wraps around her by its own volition. Her bent knees are angling toward my lap, and I take the candle from her before she lets it fall on me – I have a suspicion that Kensi hates most of my clothes.

"So…to our non-anniversary", she tries tentatively, her eyes darting up to lock with mine. With the soft glow of the candle, I get to see Kensi's eyes like never before. I'm used to their dark shade, but now they're warmer, a softer shade of brown.

"To us", I reply simply, and Kensi smiles. "On the count of three. One…Two…"

On three, Kensi actually does drool a bit on me while blowing the candle, but I don't care. All I can really focus on is just how nice this feels, and I just wish we'll get to blow many other candles over the years.

We fall in a comfortable silence for the first fifteen minutes of the movie, our spoons sometimes clashing as we take a piece of cake at the same time, the only sound in the room apart from the voices in the movie and the faster beat of my heart at having Kensi so close.

She's slowly licking her spoon clean – something that I shouldn't focus on, because it's kinda turning me on, and then I feel her shifting closer to me before she speaks. "You know, we never did a thing for our first anniversary."

"I guess we were just too surprised to get along after months of kindergarten-like fights to realize it had been a year already."

"We shouldn't wait to hit the five year mark to do something. I mean, just imagine you are undercover in a circus when the day comes. Or I'm in labor. It's not like we'll have time to celebrate then."

Okay, I must have fallen through a parallel breach at some point because in what world does Kensi Marie Blye talk to me about being in labor – about getting pregnant, _period_ ? "And – why would you be in labor exactly ?"

"Because that's your crazy scenario. You join a circus and I get all hormonal."

Oh yeah, right. Leave it to me to actually believe for a second that she wanted to have babies with me. There must be something in this cake. Isn't chocolate supposed to be aphrodisiac or something ? It must drive people nuts too. "Well, then I suppose we have to do something for our first missed time, and then think about something bigger for our upcoming second anniversary ?"

"Uh-huh. We already ate the cake. And we have beers. It's not champagne, but it's the next big thing, right ?"

"Beer is just about perfect. And we already blew the candle so…Happy first anniversary, partner. Just ten months late."

Kensi taps her bottle against mine and then her gaze goes back to the screen. "I don't get it. What do girls find in Harrison Ford ? I mean, you can't compare him to Leo!"

"You don't dig the adventurous, fearless Indy ? Seriously ?"

"Why ? You do ?"

"Not really. But I figured girls liked the attitude. You know, the light scruff and moustache because Mr. Jones doesn't get time to shave because he saves the world, or the outfit. The lasso…"

"Oh God, Deeks! Don't tell me you ever tried to dress up as Indiana Jones on Hallowe'en ?"

Where does she get ideas like that ? "Of course not. I'll have you know that I was a bit more original regarding my costumes. But don't change the subject. You're really saying that Indy doesn't do a thing to you ?"

Kensi presses her lips in a pout and shakes her head. "Nope. The scruff is okay. But the hat, seriously ? I'm not into cowboys."

So is there a chance she might be into surfers ? I don't ask though, as tempting as it is right now. We go back to watching the movie, and about halfway through it, Kensi gets up to fetch fresh beers and another slice of cake. But when she comes back, I catch a glimpse of goose bumps on her arms.

"You cold ?"

"A bit. But it's okay, I'll just go and grab a sweater."

"Don't be stupid. Just come here", I say as I shift until I'm lying on my side, and I pat the empty space in front of me. Kensi settles there and I wrap my arm around her as she curls up closer, her back pressed against my chest, molding our bodies perfectly together.

"It's not gonna be easy to eat the cake like this."

"It's helping you resist the temptation", I say as I rub my hand along her bare arm, my free hand lazily playing with her hair. "You better ?"

"Yeah…but I'm hungry…"

"You can't be. It's pure greed talking. Greed is a sin."

"How said I was a good girl ?"

Sorry, Monty, my faithful, loyal friend, but all I can think about in order not to do something really stupid – or just react to what she said, is to imagine you lying on the road after being hit by a car. "How bad ?", I ask, hoping that Kensi will focus on my teasing tone and not the way my fingers are trembling against her skin.

"You're so a man!", Kensi says, laughing, and the reverberation of the sound against my body sends shivers through me. "I'm actually a good girl."

"Good enough so we can be partners for 10 years ?"

Kensi rolls on her back, now staring at me. She reaches for the coffee table and takes her plate, and she puts it on her stomach as she takes a spoon to her mouth. "You're planning on out challenging Sam and Callen ? Because they're likely to be too old in five years to go on like they do today."

"Oh, I don't really care. As long as you and me are still there in ten years. You do know what happens in ten years, right ? Or rather, in 8 years and 2 months."

"The ten year rule…", Kensi almost chokes on her spoon.

"Yeah. But since you're a good girl, I can reduce it for you. Make it five years, you lucky lady", I tease her.

But then Kensi pushes a full spoon in my mouth. "Shut up, Deeks. I'm a bad girl, okay ? Make it fifteen years for me."

I slowly chew and then I smile at her, my teeth probably covered with chocolate. "But I have no problem with bad girls, Princess. Bad girls, good girls, I'm not hard to please, you know."

As long as it's her.

But then, instead of rolling her eyes or laughing, Kensi just stares at me, her eyebrows slightly raised, her chocolate-covered lips inches apart. And then she smiles; a small, genuine smile.

"And we'll be the senior agents and have a pair of junior agents psychoanalyzing us, huh ?"

"_He_ will know just how hard it is to work with someone who keeps humoring you."

"And _she_ will understand how complicated it is to be professional when your partner can't help having dirty thoughts."

"You are the bad girl in this relationship, Ms. Blye", I say in an outraged tone.

"You said relationship."

"I did. Can we really deny it any longer ?"

There's a light flush coloring Kensi's cheeks, and for once, I stop before things get too far. We keep watching the movie, and when it ends, Kensi denies that she's tired and we put on the second one.

But when I feel she's on the verge of falling asleep, I reach for my bag and take a wrapped gift that I shake in front of her eyes.

"For me ?", she asks anyway as she tries to catch it, but I raise my arm higher so she can't reach it.

"Yeah. But you don't have the right to mock me", I warn her.

"I won't. Promise."

"Okay then. Happy late, first anniversary, Princess. And happy early, fifth anniversary at the same time."

She straightens up a bit until her head is resting on the arm of the couch, her eyes leveled with mine, and she tears open the wrapper. And then I see something on her face that I've never seen before.

There's a single, lonely _tear_ rolling from her left eye, slowly falling down her cheek and meeting the corner of her mouth.

Kensi Marie Blye is _crying_.

"Oh, Deeks…"

"You say that a lot."

"It's – I don't know what to say. It's really cute. Thanks, Deeks."

"I don't know if mutants are physically like human babies, but if they are…"

Kensi laughs and lifts the little baby pajamas in the air to take a closer look. "_Justice_ _league_", she reads on the front of the yellow body. "They'll be fighting for the side of justice, _naturally_."

"You like it ? It's not –"

"I promise you, this is the very first outfit my baby mutant will wear", Kensi assures me, her eyes dancing over the garment. And she truly seems to like it.

I just don't know why I bought this. I was just walking out the pastry store when I passed in front of that baby store, and… _I_ _don't_ _know_. Picturing Kensi with a baby is something so out of character and unbelievable, but still, I just know she's gonna be a great mom someday. Maybe not a sweet, Nell-like mom with pretty dresses and the ability to cook revolver-shaped cookies, but I know my Wonder Woman will give birth to a new generation of super heroes. I just know it.

I also dare hope I'll be _somehow_ involved in it.

Kensi turns on her side, tilting her head to me and then, before I know it, her hands are gripping the collar of my shirt and one of her arms laces behind my neck as the other stays there, her hand laid flat on my chest. She snuggles against me, her nose nuzzling in the crook of my neck and she tightens her hold on me, her nails digging in my flesh but I don't care.

Kensi is hugging me. With all she's worth. And for once, it's not because she's upset or because she thinks we're gonna die.

She is hugging me because I did manage to find something that really made her happy.

"You're really a great partner, Deeks. The very best. You know that ?", Kensi tells me, moving her head so she can look me in the eye.

"Now I know."

Kensi hugs me tighter and I wrap my free arm around her waist, bringing her closer as I offer her my other arm as a pillow. She has her head under my chin and before we even know it, before Indy and his side-kicks discover a series of tunnels hidden behind a statue, we fall asleep.

The next morning, I don't feel my arm anymore and our breaths smell like beer and chocolate. I wake up to find Kensi curled up underneath me, my body half-hovering hers as my head is resting in the crook of her neck, my free arm on her stomach. And when I try to move to give her space and not crush her, Kensi's hands clenching my shirt just tighten their grip, so I give up and settle back against her, rolling us until we're both lying on our sides.

And then I fall asleep again. Needless to say that we're late at work that morning.

* * *

**It's actually funny, because April 6th is also my boyfriend's birthday. And April 6th, 2010 is the first b-day we celebrated as a couple. Our own Densi day.**


	11. Chapter 11

**Dear God, I've just had like the craziest week ever. But now things are slowing down for a few days, so time to give you a new chapter. This one is focused on episode 3x15 'Crimeleon'. Hope you enjoy it ! Thanks for the feedback for this story, and **_**Lucky**_** and **_**Dark **__**Place**_**. It means a lot, and I hope it helps me become a better writer. **** I'm currently working on a tag for 'Neighborhood Watch' that I'll try to post these days.**  


* * *

"God, three bullets in the groin, Kens. It's really that time of the month, isn't it ?"

Kensi sends me a scary glare, and for a second, I'm actually afraid she'll turn around and shoot me. I hear Sam laughing, and I'd give anything to know how he has come to learn not to be scared of Kensi. Because even after all this time, I still am.

Especially when she carries a gun. Not that she can't seriously harm me _without_ it.

"Still haven't learnt how to speak to a woman, Deeks ?", Sam asks me, adding one last strike to his target, shooting it in the groin too. "No surprise then that most of your exes want you dead."

"That's not true. Most of them just want me, period."

"Oh God, I'm not listening to this conversation", Kensi snorts. Then she turns and looks at Granger, Callen and Hetty. "You think I could practice my shooting skills on him ?"

Make that two, because I'd be standing in line to take a shot too. I remember my teachers in seventh grade telling me that I'd go nowhere if I kept that smart mouth thing going on, but how am I supposed to respect hierarchy when Granger is the boss ? I mean, the guy totally screwed up today and we don't even get to throw rotten vegetables to his face. How is that fair ?

Sam grunts, taking in the look on his partner's face. "I don't even understand what he's still doing here. Is he trying to blame G for his mistake ?"

"Hetty won't let him. She's worse than a mama bear with her babies. Worse than Kensi at that time of the month", I say, and it earns me another deadly look from my dear partner.

Said dear partner hangs up her gun and walks away, but not before handing me her target and saying that next time, she's practicing on me. Maybe it's her idea of foreplay. I've always thought Kensi was the kind of girl to like it rough – rough on my part, that said. Because with her, you have to be a perfect gentleman; I have to ask her _nicely_ if I only want to grab a beer with her.

"Kens, come on!", I call out, following her to the bullpen, where she is gathering her stuff. "I promise I won't talk about your period anymore."

"Can you start now ? Jeez, what's with you and my period ?"

"You were the one bringing it out earlier!", I try tentatively, but Kensi's eyes only narrow, so I drop the subject. "Okay. You wanna do something tonight ?"

Kensi's movements stop, and she lifts her face up to look at me. And I just can't put my finger on the emotion spreading on her features. Is it hurt, or anger ? Is she about to cry or rip my head off, I don't know. I've never seen her like that.

Not even when she would have gladly tested eleven ways to slit a jugular vein on me.

But then she straightens up, a small, false smile tugging at her lips. "I think I'm just going to soak up in a bubbly bath to get rid of those", she says, tugging at the collar of her shirt to let me catch a glimpse of the tattoos on her skin.

"You look pretty with them. Don't you wanna go out and make the most of it ?"

This time, Kensi gives me a genuine smile, but she shrugs. "I'm tired." But it's not exhaustion in her voice, it's something else.

"You didn't look tired a minute ago when you were shooting Target-Me. Don't tell me beer and ice-cream don't hold a certain charm right now ?"

"Could you just drop it, Deeks ? _Please_ ? I'm not in the mood to go out, that's all."

That's definitely not all. Kensi never says please. She makes me do whatever she wants, she threatens me so I'll do it, but she rarely says please. And on the rare few times she has denied me the pleasure of spending the night with her, at least I knew why. Because I had pissed her off during the day, pushed the flirting a little out of line, or stolen her candy. But I'm almost sure I've done nothing this time.

Well, maybe I did say something. So I walk to her, cornering her between her desk and me, allowing no escape until I know why, or until I've convinced her otherwise. Kensi looks up at me like she's going to kick me right where it really hurts, but also like she's too shocked to actually do anything. "Is it about earlier at the club ? You're still sore that I said you weren't my type ? You know I was just joking. You're everyone's type, Kens. You know that."

"I thought your type was crazy, with anger, jealousy and trust issues ?", Kensi almost spits as she tries to push me, but I've gotten used to it by now and I don't move an inch. I am actually stronger than her, at least physically speaking, even if I usually let her think otherwise.

"You're crazy, Kensi", I say, putting my hands on her shoulders. "You're the kind of girl who could take a bullet and still get up and run. You're mad at me like every single day. You're jealous of any girl who revolves around me. And you don't always trust me. You're _exactly_ my type."

Kensi stares at me, completely speechless and still, now not struggling against me anymore. She just has that _look_ on her face, the one I guess anyone would have if someone told them just this. But it's true. Not for those reasons, because those are not the first things that come to my mind when I think of her, but she is my type.

Actually, no. She's _more_ than that. She's Kensi, and that says it all. She isn't just my type, because it would mean that there exist other girls like her, something that is clearly _impossible_. I could tell her that, but we're still in the middle of the bullpen, and she'd kill me if I did. So I release my hold on her and step back, still invading her personal space, but giving her the opportunity to leave if she wants to.

She doesn't.

Instead, she stands taller, her brown, unique eyes firmly locked with mine, and she says, "I do trust you."

"So you plead guilty for being crazy, jealous and angry ?", I tease her, trying to get us back into safe territory.

"I admit no such things", Kensi replies, crossing her arms over her chest. "I'm a federal agent, the job in itself is crazy, not me. And I'm definitely not jealous. You're free to do whatever you want with all those crazy chicks you date."

"I don't date that much."

"That's because there are less crazy women out there than what you could have thought. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to go home."

Kensi throws her bag over her shoulder, but I grab her forearm as she tries to leave. "Actually, I do mind", I tell her. She sends me a deadly, warning look, but I shrug it off. "Is it too much to ask what I have done to make you mad ?"

"I'm not mad. I'm just tired, Deeks."

I'm about to tell her to stop making bullshit excuses when Callen comes in, and interrupts us. "What's happening in here ?", he asks, and I let go of Kensi's arm immediately.

"Deeks is trying to force me into going out with him", Kensi says, and I'm sure that she loved telling as a kid.

But then, the smile on her lips disappears when Callen speaks again. "That's not such a bad idea. Been a long day."

"See, Kens ?", I say, gloating. "You wanna go out with us, Callen ? Grab a few beers ? Has Sam already left ?"

Callen doesn't look fine. He is staring at us, and for once he doesn't look like he's about to kill me. And the fact that he hasn't even made a comment about Kensi allowing me to grab her arm without breaking mine is quite weird, truth be told. But then he seems to come out of his trance. "You two have been going out a lot lately, right ?"

"What ? No. No !", Kensi says, and I must admit her impulsive reaction doesn't please me. At all.

"I just meant that you've spent a lot of time together. That's good. Yeah…I have to go and talk to Hetty. See you tomorrow."

"Wait, you don't want to go out ? It's been a long time since the four of us hung out together", Kensi calls out as Callen heads back to the firing range. And for once, I don't even point out the fact that she finally seems to agree with my offer.

"Oh, no, no thanks. Maybe some other time. Sam is already late for his dinner reservation, anyway."

"Ooh, is someone celebrating something ?", I ask, intrigued. It's true that Sam's wife is a complete mystery to us.

"Well, yeah. It's Valentine's Day, after all", Callen replies before nodding one last time in our direction and leaving.

Oh, God. _Valentine's_ _Day_. I had totally forgotten. Not that I really need to remember it, since I have no girlfriend, but I had no idea it was today. Like Callen said, it's been a long day. I turn to Kensi, already fearing that it's the reason why she said no so vehemently. Maybe she thought I was trying to seduce her and push her, stepping far away from the line we keep dancing around these days.

"God, Kens, I swear I didn't know. I wasn't trying to imply anything. But… A pretty girl like you shouldn't spend Valentine's Day alone. I reckon it's unconstitutional. You can trust me, I'm a lawyer."

Weirdly, Kensi doesn't mirror the goofy smile I gave her. "Do you have any idea what people are doing right now, all over L.A.?", Kensi asks me, her tone so low I barely hear her. But I don't miss the wetness gathering in her eyes, though I can see she's trying hard to conceal it.

"Mmh…I guess they're probably enjoying themselves. Isn't February 14th one of these days when people are so giddy they end up in bed and bam, nine months later one and one makes three ?"

"Hearts and flowers and fancy restaurants…I don't want to witness all that crappy stuff."

_Crappy_ _stuff_ ? Aren't women supposed to _love_ it ? I mean, it's universal, basic knowledge. Women love chocolate boxes, bunches of flowers and sugary cards that swear we're gonna love them for the rest of our lives even if we just met them two weeks ago. I'm not trying to be sexist, that's just a fact no one can ignore.

But as usual, Kensi Blye is the exception to every rule.

And she is also still standing there, when she has spent the last past minutes telling me all she wanted was to go home. She's still there, and I hope it means the ball is still in my court to make her change her mind. That she's giving me the chance to.

I'm not stupid enough to let it go. Let _her_ go. "We don't have to go out. We can just watch a movie or anything you want. Though it's a shame to stay home when your Valentine is so gorgeous…"

Kensi blushes – and I mean, really blushes; like pink cheeks and embarrassed look and biting of the lip. But she's quick to go back to normal. "Who said I agree to be your Valentine ?"

I could say that I wasn't talking about her, but maybe we don't need to go back to that level of normal. "Okay, here's the deal, Princess. I _won't_ brag about this. I won't come in here tomorrow and say I have you wrapped around my little finger and that you're so into me. I won't. But in return, you have to let me do this, okay ?"

"Do what ?"

"You're not one of those girls, I get it. You don't want hearts and flowers and fancy restaurants. _I_ love that stuff. I mean, I don't even understand how I could have forgotten it was Valentine's Day! I would have bought you your favorite chocolates and put a red ribbon around the box and put them on your desk this morning and you wouldn't have tried to choke me with that smoothie and –"

"You're rambling, Deeks."

"Yeah, I know. But that's what I would have done. _Should_ _have_ _done_. I'm supposed to be the one who makes you lighten up. I'm supposed to think about those things and make you do it even if you say you hate it. Because at the end of the night, you always end up glad you listened to me. So now I'm fixing my mistake. I'm taking you out and you're going to spend the _best_ night of your life. That's not bragging, Kens", I add, out of breath. "I mean it. You're gonna learn to love hearts and flowers and fancy restaurants."

"I don't – not _tonight_, Deeks", Kensi tells me as she circles her slender fingers around my wrist. "It's really sweet of you, but…I'm just gonna head home", she adds with a quick squeeze to my hand. "Goodnight, Deeks."

And then she's gone.

And I'm not even running after her. Any other, normal guy would, but me ? I'm just standing there like an idiot, trying to understand what went wrong. Maybe I did miss a fight or something between us. Maybe I've been wrong to think that things were going rather smoothly these days. Maybe I totally misunderstood the signals. That smoothie, the way she frowned when I told her I'd go to the Edison by myself. Maybe she's not angry and crazy and jealous. Maybe I won't ever manage to make us go past this one step forward, two steps backward thing.

That's a lot of maybes. Too many that drive me closer to insanity every day.

How long I stay there, I don't know, but at some point, a hand on my arm and a voice interrupt my rather depressing thoughts. "Are you alright, Mr. Deeks ? Where is Ms. Blye ?"

"She just went home."

"That's the answer to my latest question. Do you really think this can work with me ?"

I hoped so, I guess. "I just – sometimes I don't understand what I do wrong with her, that's all."

"Maybe you're not the one to blame", Hetty suggests.

"So why do I feel like it's my fault ?"

"Then what are you still doing here ? That's a nasty little habit you've got, Mr. Deeks. Stop wondering, start acting. The first step is always the hardest, but then it comes naturally."

Maybe Hetty should become a couple counselor. For people who are not a couple yet but are getting there. Hetty pats my arm one last time and turns to leave. But then I call out and stop her, "Hetty ? Can I ask you one last favor ?"

* * *

An hour later, I'm standing at Kensi's doorstep, my arms full of cheesy stuff, and waiting _patiently_ for her to open the door.

Actually, it's been five minutes since I've first knocked. And called out to her. I know she's there, and she's not even really trying to hide her presence; her car is parked in her parking space and the lights are on. I've seen her neighbor peeking through her curtains to see who was making so much noise, but then she softened when she saw me – do I need to say that her neighbor is a fifty year-old, single lady, and that she winked at me and crooked her finger to beckon me to come to her place ?

"Kensi, could you please at least open the door and yell to my face ? Whatever I did, I'm sorry, okay ? And I'm sorry I don't understand what I've done wrong."

My phone vibrates in my pocket barely seconds later. I put down my bags to reach it, and read, '_You've done nothing wrong. Please, just drop it, Deeks._'

"I'm not giving up, Kens. Even if _you_ are. That's not who we are, you know that. I won't let you withdraw and fence me out. I'm gonna spend the entire night here. I'll sleep on your porch, even if I must freeze to death…Come on, Princess. This is ridiculous. Just open the door and tell me what's wrong, whatever it is. I can help. I _want_ to help."

I hear her soft steps nearing the door, but no smirk comes to my lips when I see how she looks. Puffy red eyes, still fresh tears on her cheeks that she hasn't even bothered to wipe.

"Oh God, Kens –"

"Don't. Just come in, or my neighbors will call LAPD, and you know many people there would be glad to arrest you." She steps aside and lets me in, though it seems like it's the last thing she wants to do. "What do you want, Deeks ?"

"I already told you. I'm not letting you run away from me. And I'm definitely not letting you cry. I'm sorry if it's because of me."

"Could you stop saying that ? Not everything revolves around you, Deeks." There's no anger in her voice, though. Just…_bitterness_ ? And she isn't even denying the fact that she was indeed crying.

"Then what is this all about ? Why are you here crying alone when you could talk to me ?"

Okay, I do talk a lot, but I'm also a good listener. And I thought Kensi knew it, and that she could come and talk to me about anything. It's not just words, that thing about being partners. In a way, she is the closest thing I have to _family_, so there's nothing I wouldn't do for her, and that includes letting her cry on my shoulder and never bring it again after.

"Okay, I'm gonna do the talking then", I say as we sit on her couch, Kensi still resolutely _not_ answering me. "I swear I wasn't trying to – push you or something. I just wanted to go out. It wasn't part of some evil master plan. But since you don't want to…I brought it to you."

Kensi's eyes widen. But before she can open her mouth and make a fuss about it, I empty the bags, revealing their content. "Chocolates with toffee crisps. Red wine. I bought every chick movie at the store that you didn't already have. I wanted to get flowers but apparently, you have to wake up early if you want them on Valentine's Day. So now, I'm gonna cook us something delicious and you, my dear, are gonna put this on…"

Note to myself: I can give Kensi any sweet nickname if I offer her something just after. Or at least, when Hetty is kind enough – and when she's made me sign a pact with my own blood, to lend me something that I can give Kensi.

"How did you get it back ?", she asks me, her eyes lightning up as she takes the dress from my hands, running hers over the smooth fabric. "_Why_ did you ? What's the point of dressing up if we stay here ?"

"I may have promised to do my paperwork on time…for the next month. You would be a real sweetie if you helped me with that, by the way. But we only have it for tonight, Cinderella." Kensi smiles at me, but her watery eyes are averting mine. "So, does that mean you're not kicking me out ?"

"Well, you went through all this trouble…I guess it won't kill me to eat my favorite chocolates and – God, Deeks, that's actually a great wine. But…you didn't have to do all of this. I'm fi–_good_."

"Of course you are. That's why you've obviously been crying before I got there. Or why you left just like I had said the meanest thing ever. Want me to go on ? 'Cause these are not the only strange things tonight."

This tearing, sad and silent Kensi is really freaking me out. Kensi is a fighter, she's stronger than Callen and Sam and I combined – stronger than anyone else. And though it's not the first time I've seen her blue or down, she has never allowed me to see this _much_ before. Whatever this is that is hurting her, it's too much for her to hide it – for her to want to hide it, maybe. I just can't picture _my_ Kensi crying her heart out so very often, so I suppose those tears are long overdue.

Kensi brushes her eyes with the back of her hand and gives me a small smile. "Look, Kens, I know it's been a long day. I can't even begin to imagine how it must feel like to always be the one we…You have to let those guys…And we watch you, and sometimes we tease you about it…But that _can't_ be why you're so upset, right ? So here I was, digging my credit score at the store and suddenly, it struck me. You have something against Valentine's Day. And I was wondering why, and then…" I chew on my bottom lip, now anxious to say it out loud – Kensi could still kill me for butting in her life like this.

"I'm just going to change", Kensi cuts me off, getting up. "Thanks for the dress, though I'm almost sure you mostly did it to see me in it again more than for my own guilty pleasure of fashion designers."

"Kensi. Sit down", I tell her softly, tugging at her hand. "I don't care about the dress. I only brought it because I wanted to make you smile. The only thing I care about right now is you. I know you hate it when I treat you like a fragile doll but…I can't stand seeing you like this. And it's hard to see you pushing me away."

Kensi takes a deep breath, squeezing her eyes shut, and then I don't know how it happens; is it me who extended my arms to her, or Kensi who leaned into me, but she is fisting her hands in my shirt, her breath and her tears falling on the skin of my neck, her body trembling, hugging mine close.

"Shh, Kens, it's okay. I'm here now. I've got you. Just tell me what's wrong", I coo in her ear, brushing her hair away. "Is it…does it have something to do with me, or – it's about Jack, right ? It's Jack and Valentine's Day ?"

She nods against my chest, burying her face closer in the crook of my neck. She's still crying, her hot tears rolling between sharp intakes of breath, and she doesn't even try to control the shaking of her body. I tuck her head under my chin and hold her tight, wrapping my arms around her back, and I just don't know what to say – _if_ there's something to say.

"He…There's so many people out there – it's Valentine's Day, people are…They're happy, you know ?", Kensi says, her sobs slowly settling down. "It's _the_ day when people go out, guys take their girls out, and – engagement rings in glass of champagne…"

Oh, God.

"I don't…I _can't_ go out and see that – happy couples. I've chosen this life, I know, but…I can't. They have no worry, no care in the world but to be happy, you know ? Happy and in love. I hate – I know I'm a monster, but I just hate Love sometimes!"

Kensi lifts up her face from my chest, her dark, lost eyes still wet with tears silently falling and rolling down her cheeks. But she's staring back at me this time, letting me in. "I get it, you know – going home to an empty place, having to lie all the time, but…I'm here for you, you know that ? I know it's not the same – that you don't want _me_ to…But I'm here, Kens. Whenever you want or need. And I know I have no right to ask, but, if you ever want to talk about…_just_ _talk_, you can come to me. I can't promise I'll make it better but…"

"You always do", Kensi interrupts me, sitting down back next to me, but still leaning into me. "Making it better, I mean. I just don't understand how you do it – or why you fight so hard for me…It must be hard for you to –"

"Look, Kens, I know what it feels like, okay ? There are days you just want to stay in your bed and never leave it. And I'm sorry to have insisted the way I did…" I brush my knuckles on her skin softly, wiping tears there, and then I cup her cheek to bring her to face me. "Jack…He was important to you – more than important, even. And _you_ are important to me, so…I just want you to know that it's okay not to be okay. And if you want to cry on my shoulder every February, 14th, then you can do it."

"You're planning on comforting me every year ? This isn't the nicest perspective", Kensi tries to laugh off, but it doesn't sound right.

"Yeah. But that's what we do, right ? We're there for each other. And yeah, if I must be honest, I'd rather take you out and have fun, but if you want to stay here and talk or just have dinner, or if you want me to go…I'll do whatever you want."

"Why are you always so nice ?"

Some would say I'm nice, others that I'm interested. But I love her – I'm _in_ _love_ with Kensi, that's all I can say. I suppose she is one of those girls who got engaged on Valentine's Day, or maybe they planned their wedding on that day; and yeah, sure, I'd love to spend that day with her as her boyfriend. But if today all she needs is a friend, and if she never wants to celebrate it ever again because it brings back sad memories, then I guess I'll just have to go with it.

I'd love to make new memories, of course; but I can't expect her to just forget about it. She has had a life before meeting me, after all. And I can't expect smooth words, hugs and chocolate to erase the pain she must be in – you never completely heal from heartbreak. And Kensi has gone through many of them; but she never cries. She never breaks down. So if she's letting her emotions rule her for once, then I have to be there.

She's all I have. Sure, I love our team, but it's not the same. Ray is gone and I don't have that much left of a family…Kensi is my _everything_, so I'd do anything for her. _Anything_, even down to hug her and listen to her telling me just how perfect her life would have been if Jack had never left her.

"You know why", I finally reply, my eyes drifting down to her plump lips, fighting the urge to kiss them.

"No one has ever – no one cares that much. Not even Callen or Sam…And they love me too…But then again, I wouldn't talk to them the way I do with you…"

"I guess I'm not just anybody, then."

"_No_. No, you're not", Kensi nods, her bottom lip caught between her teeth. "You care more, even when I hurt you. You – you _really_ love me, don't you ?", she says, and I gulp hard. But then Kensi shakes her head and smiles. "I mean, you're here no matter what. However bitchy, moody or hurtful I can be…I don't think someone has ever loved me this much, except for my dad maybe."

"And what about Jack ?", I ask, now feeling like this is the turning point I've been waiting for so long, and it scares me a little, I must admit.

"He left me, didn't he ?", Kensi shrugs. "When things got hard, he stopped fighting. He could fight for his country, but he never did for me. But you…You fight even when I fight back. You push even when I try hard to keep you away. You –"

"I really love you." Why did no one ever tell me how simple it could be just to say it ? And why did no one tell me that Kensi would _not_ run away, screaming, if I told her ?

"Yeah…And for the record, I think I – you're _really_ important to me, _too_. More than important…And I'm glad you're here, even though I pushed you away."

And then Kensi's eyes start fluttering, her long lashes brushing her cheek bones, blinking back the wetness gathering there. Her breathing comes out through her parted lips and her skin takes that rosy glow that I've come to associate with the definition of the word _adorable_. Her hands leave my shirt to rest on my shoulders, each palm squeezing there, her nails softly grazing my skin through the fabric. And then…

She leans into me, and I can't help mirroring her actions, closing the distance between us. Kensi tilts her head to the side, her lips forming that so kissable pout and her eyes slowly closing shut.

But then, as her lips are just an inch away from mine, she stops and changes direction, landing on the very corner of my mouth. Her left hand comes to my jaw, her fingers stroking my cheek, and her soft lips linger there, the warmth of her heated skin sending tingles through me. "Ask me again – to be your Valentine."

"I didn't ask earlier, but…Kensi, will you do me the honor of being my Valentine for the next four hours ?"

She doesn't answer. But then, I guess that kissing me means yes. It's just a soft, tiny kiss; so brief I can barely feel it. But it happened. She knows it, I know it. It's just a peck on the lips, but it holds all the meaning in the world.

"You have to…It's _tradition_", she tells me when she pulls back, reaching for the box of chocolate on her coffee table, shrugging it off. "You kiss your Valentine. It's like kissing under mistletoe."

"Of course", I say with a smile, still giddy because of her touch.

"Exactly. Yeah. That's settled now. Good." She rambles, but it's adorable, again. "What are you gonna make us for dinner ?", she asks, not so subtly changing the subject.

But I play along, and so does Kensi.

She gets up to go to her room and change, and she just grins when she comes out to find the table set with candles, and I almost drool because though I've never really been that into tattoos, anything looks damn pretty on her. She lets me pull out her chair for her, and she laughs when I take her order. She hums while she eats, saying that she's never had something this delicious. She snuggles to me while we watch the movie, and she lets me drop a trail of kisses from her temple to her shoulder every now and then, that small shiver running through her body every single time.

And when I say I should get going, she just calls me an idiot and tugs at my hand, leading me to her bedroom.

And when she thinks I'm asleep, she comes closer, pressing her body flush against mine, and she speaks softly. "You were right. That was the best Valentine's Day I've ever spent."

"Me, too."

And she doesn't say a thing when I roll us over until we're lying on our sides, facing each other, Kensi's hands tucked between us, her head under my chin, my arm around her waist. And _that's_ the best night I've ever spent.


	12. Chapter 12

**So, this is it. My take on the **_**Blye, **__**K**_**. episodes. This is also the last chapter, so I hope you enjoy it. Thanks for the support to this story! Stay tuned in wait for '**_**Morning**_**, **_**Sunshine'**_**, a companion piece/sequel to this story that I'll try to post soon!**

* * *

_Eight_ _miles_. Sore legs, no air left in my lungs, the beating of my heart so fast it's giving me utter hell. _Five_ _hours_. Five excruciating hours since I've seen Kensi and wished her goodnight at the bullpen. _Twelve_ _typed_ _texts_ that I never sent. From 'Need a ride ?' to 'You okay ?'. Award of the most useless text for me this year, I'm afraid so.

I don't even know how I've managed not to _die_, because I've never run this long – especially when I had to carry Monty for the last mile. Poor dog isn't so young and definitely not used to having his daddy going completely _crazy_, enough at least to run so far away from the road I usually take. I'm lucky to be from L.A. because I've run for so long I ended up way far from my place. I guess I could have run to Kensi's mom's place with no problem, but that would sound very stalkerish of me.

There hasn't been a minute when I haven't thought of her. Like usual, you'd say; but after _today_…I'm quite proud actually that I didn't send any of those ridiculous texts, or that I didn't beg her to let me take care of her. I still don't know how I could have walked out of the bullpen and left her alone like I did. I know that's what she wanted, but still, I'm proud I managed to do what _she_ wanted and not what _I_ needed. Because after almost losing her – more in one day than in two years, all exaggeration aside – all I wanted was to take her with me and never let her leave my watch ever again.

So I did one of the only three things that can help in this kind of situations – not that what she did today happens a lot, but Kensi going rogue and risking her life is what I'm used to on a regular daily basis so I needed to find something to relieve the tension and stress. So either I go out and drink my weight in shots, watch Coyote Ugly (girls and booze, best of both worlds) or I go for a run. And here I am now, panting as I reach the stairs leading to my apartment, when Monty jumps out of my arms and runs up, barking happily at the tall brunette waiting there that I hadn't seen until now.

Of course. I do try not to think about her, giving her the space she sure needs, and here she is, waiting at my doorstep. _Typical_. You'd think that after all this time, I have her all figured out, but guess what ? We both would be wrong. It's like I never really know what to expect from her.

I climb up the stairs and stop in front of her, watching her slightly wincing as she bends to stroke Monty. "Wasn't expecting you this early, Sunshine. You usually don't set until a few hours."

Oh God, that was lame. Sometimes I should rehearse my lines before saying them because maybe I'd realize just how cheesy it sounds even in my own head. But Kensi laughs; like truly laughs. She puts a hand in front of her mouth but I just know she's biting her bottom lip, and that would be good teasing material for later if I didn't miss the way her other hand comes to her injured side.

"God, sorry Kens. You weren't supposed to laugh. You should have said 'And that does work with chicks ?' or something", I say as I step closer, reaching for her arm with my hand. "You okay ?"

She nods slowly, scratching Monty behind the ears one last time before lifting her face up, her eyes meeting mine. "Yeah. I just came back from my mother's and then…I _guess_ this is where I ended up", Kensi mumbles the last part.

"You haven't been waiting too long ?", I ask as I fumble in my pockets to find my keys and unlock the door.

"Nope. I was about to call you anyway. I – you must be tired and I'm sorry to barge in like that but –"

"Hey, hey, no problem, Kens. That's what partners are here for. Come in. You want me to take that ?", I ask as I finally notice the bag at her feet. Kensi looks down at it, like she had forgotten it was there, so I just grab it and step aside to let her in.

She's been there hundreds of times, and still, she looks almost hesitating tonight. Like part of her doesn't want me to see her this way: physically injured, weaker, but we both now it's not the worst. Injuries, she can deal with; the maelstrom of emotions that she has been going through – still is ? Not so much. But here she is anyway, so now the ball is in my court. It's up to me not to make her run away and regret coming to me.

Kensi turns to me, still standing in the doorway. She opens her mouth, but the words don't come out, so I give her time to form them. I guide her to the couch and wait patiently until she reigns herself and speaks. "I still could feel it – _his_ _hands_ on my stuff. And I suppose you guys must have been there too", she says, and it takes me a couple of seconds before understanding what she is talking about. "Hetty had the whole place cleaned and all but –"

"It doesn't feel like home", I cut her off, and she nods. "You need your mess."

"Yeah. I just – I don't like the idea of any _more_ people in my place, touching my stuff. People intruding into my life. And when I got home…It didn't feel right, so I came here…"

Kensi looks away, but I cup her cheek and turn her face until our gazes are connected again. "Hey, no need to…You can come here anytime. My place is yours. You know what ? We can go there together if you want. I'll cook and I won't wash up the dishes and we'll let beers and plates pile up on your coffee table. It'll be a mess even before we know it!"

Kensi smiles, but she shakes her head no. "Can I just stay here tonight ? Maybe we can do that tomorrow ?"

"Of course. Whatever you want. Look, I'm gonna have a quick shower but meanwhile, make yourself at home, okay ? There's beer in the fridge, I must have leftovers of yesterday…"

"I brought beer. Every day for the rest of your life, _remember_ ?", Kensi says, and God if it's not about how long I'm planning on spending with her.

"I should have asked for more", I tease her, and Kensi rolls her eyes. "You just don't know how much I've missed that…", I say before I can even think about it – not that I do that much, as you may have noticed.

"What ?", Kensi asks, amused. "You like it when I mock you ?"

"I like it when you're with me."

Kensi's lips part, her eyebrows slightly raising up, but then the corner of her mouth twitches up in a small grin. Her hand comes to my knee and she gently squeezes it, her eyes focused on her lap. "I wish I didn't have to do that alone, too."

"You didn't."

"You know what I mean", she just replies, her voice barely over a whisper, her eyes still avoiding mine. Actually, I'm not sure I really do but I don't press any further, for once. "Go and take your shower now, I'll fix us something. You must be starving."

Actually, any kind of physical reminder of pain or exhaustion or hunger has left me the moment I saw her standing at my front door. But I nod and get up, walking to the bathroom and giving her one last look, searching for any sign of _anything_ on her features – pain, tears threatening to fall… But I find none, so after joking about her lack of cooking talent, I close the door behind me.

* * *

I won't ever mock her because whatever she's cooking smells delicious. And Kensi hovering over the saucepan, one hand on her hip, the other bringing a woody spoon to her mouth to taste…It feels like _home_. I could get used to this; having Kensi around, sauntering in my place like it's hers, navigating in my kitchen, knowing where everything is better than I do. Kensi lazing on the couch in one of my shirts, Kensi's toothbrush next to mine in the bathroom.

Kensi and I. And Monty of course, but mostly she and I. _Together_. She's always here, and when she's not, it's because I go to her place. We're basically already together, but…Seeing her in _my_ kitchen, cooking _for_ _me_ – it's hotter than anything else she may have done in the past. It's hot, but it's also incredibly heart-warming. It's such a little thing, and yet, I could spin her around and kiss her like there's no tomorrow just because of this.

She turns her head and sees me, and she smiles, and God if I have ever seen something more beautiful. "Come and try this", she tells me, plunging the spoon back in the saucepan for me to taste, then holding it above her free open palm. "Tastes good for me, but…"

For me, too. "Good God, Kens, that's delicious. Since when do you cook this well ? Wait – did you dare to _pretend_ you didn't know how to cook so I'd always do it ?", I ask as I bring another spoonful to my mouth.

"No, no, definitely a hopeless case here", she laughs, poking me in the ribs. "My mom cooked that. She thought I shouldn't make too many efforts for the next few days; cooked enough to make me have an indigestion."

"It's a shame you took more after your hardcore, US Marine dad, than your perfect housewife mom. I'm paying for cooking lessons for Christmas this year."

"Just set the table and shut up, Deeks", Kensi snaps, but her tone is light enough to let me know she isn't upset. "Could you pass me a dish please ? I can't reach them…"

They are in the cabinet just above her head, and she'd just have to tip-toe to get them, but I guess that reaching for them would force her to pull on her sore muscles. "Kens…Are you sure you don't need to go to the hospital ?"

"It's just a cracked rib, Deeks. I've seen worse", Kensi shrugs.

"I know. Doesn't mean you shouldn't take care of yourself from time to time. I don't want my partner to need a walker or a wheelchair before she hits 80 just because she's too proud or stubborn to let people take care of her. That's what I'm here for, Princess."

Kensi rolls her eyes, but then she silently nods, her teeth dipping down on her bottom lip. Though she clearly doesn't like it, she knows I'm right, and that she should listen to me. "I already took painkillers at my Mom's. I promise I'll take others before going to bed. Dinner's ready."

I take the dish from her hands and guide her to the table, and it comes as no surprise that she is still hungry though I'm sure she had dinner with her mother. We must be the only people sitting down to eat past midnight, but it isn't like we're really keen on being normal – or at least trying to. Where would the fun be, anyway ? We eat silently at first, mostly because running across all town do tend to empty my stomach and then I'd eat almost anything, but also because Kensi looks a little lost in her thoughts – I just hope they're not as dark as the times she's just been through. Well, I won't say I've had the time of my life today either. Got to be one of the worst, actually.

But then, I catch a glimpse of Kensi's lips twitching upwards as she's staring at me intently. "What ? I have something between my teeth ?"

"No, no. It's – _nothing_. Don't mind me."

"Like that's possible, Kens. What is it ? You unable to resist my dazzling charm ?"

"Yeah – because you're _so_ sexy when you eat. I just don't understand how you do it", Kensi snorts, but still, she's biting the left corner of her lip while ogling me from over the table.

If there's one thing life's taught me, it's this: the lip biter is the universal, feminine sign for 'Kiss me'. Among _other_ things. And one thing working with NCIS has also taught me, it's that Kensi is not just any woman. But she's still one of them; a very beautiful, sexy one, if I may. And the way she bites and massages her lower lip while staring right at me with those gorgeous eyes wide open is definitely a sight to see.

Most women I've met who do this – arousing you just by catching their red, glossy lips between their pearly whites, like to tease. Kensi does, occasionally; just like when she plays with the ends of her hair or adjusts her shirt so it shows just a bit more of cleavage than before. But then, you know what they _always_ do: they catch you staring at them and they just smile this knowing grin that says 'I know what you're thinking and you can stop right there buddy, you won't get anywhere near the real deal.'

But right now, she does really seem to…It's like her mouth is saying that no, she isn't interested in me, but her eyes and her heart and maybe other parts of her body that I'd love to discover think otherwise.

"I'm sexy whatever I do. When I get up, first thing in the morning; when I sleep, when I run…Not my fault, can't be blamed for it. And I'm even hotter in a uniform, with a gun. It must be really hard for you to control yourself all day long…"

"What about you then ? I'm the only girl in the team", Kensi challenges me.

I could say that it's not true – after all, there are also Nell and Hetty. But maybe it's time to stop playing this little game of teasing and flirting, going way beyond the line and then back again. "I've never denied just how gorgeous I think you are."

Kensi turns her gaze away from me, and her voice is just above a whisper when she answers. "No, you haven't. Thanks."

"No need to thank me, I'm just stating the obvious. I may have not travelled the world, but at least I can say you're the most beautiful woman here in Los Angeles. And yeah, it is hard to focus on the job, or anything, when you're around."

"Don't talk like _that_", Kensi says, biting down on her lip in a completely different way now; shyness and embarrassment creeping up her features.

"Like what ? I don't want to seem disrespectful, but you've had to date complete losers not to believe you _deserve_ to be treated like a princess."

At this, Kensi laughs – but not a mocking laugh, the kind that lets me know I'm an idiot. No, it's more of a fond laugh. And then she slowly shakes her head, a small smile on her lips. "I can see it now…"

"See what ?" Is tonight the night of mysteries and no one told me ?

"My mom, she said you reminded her of –", Kensi hesitates a second, but then she laces her fingers together and puts them under her chin, staring at me right in the eye. "She said you were a bit like my dad when they first met. I can see why now."

Oh, yeah ? Me, having something in common with Wonder Woman's father ? What does it make me, some kind of King of the Justice League ? It sounds weird, too; I would have never pegged Kensi as a girl with those kinds of daddy issues…

"So…your mom and you – you spent a lot of time giving little old me much thought, huh ?", I tease her, cocking an eyebrow at her. "Doesn't bother me. I guess any mom would think I'm good son-in-law material."

Kensi kicks my calf under the table, but the pain is worth the little flush creeping up her skin. "Well, she had to stand your chatting when you drove her home, so…It gave us good material to talk. It was easier than… You know. It's hard to catch up after fifteen years."

"You don't have to – talk about it right now. Or, ever, you know."

The last thing I want is for Kensi to think she _owes_ it to me to tell me. I wouldn't be at ease either if I had to expose my secrets like she did these past couple of days. It's one thing to confide in people, and another to be forced to do it because you're being charged with murder. Kensi has always been secretive, and although the walls around her have slowly been crumbling apart these past few months, I don't want her to feel pressured. I guess I can wait for her to be ready to tell me when things are settled down in her own head. Just try to imagine what it must feel like right now for her; she finally got the answers she had been searching for years, and she got a mother back whom she didn't even know she needed and wanted in her life. Talk about changes…

And I'm not even mentioning the fact that now she comes to me when things get hard or when she needs someone to rely on. Something she would have never done…_long_ ago, I must admit. It's been how it is between us for quite a long time now; I guess I'm still totally blown away by it: Kensi Blye, _kind of_ needing me in her life.

"It was – awkward, at first", Kensi tells me, forking food but never bringing it to her mouth. "But then it was like we never drifted apart, you know ? We talked about nothing and everything at the same time…Just like _we_ do. And, yeah – we talked about you."

I can't quite name the feeling this brings to me – the idea of Kensi talking about me, especially to someone who matters that much. However far away her mom and she have been for years, nothing can compete with the bond between a mother and her daughter. Between any decent parent and their child. So, to know that Kensi mentioned me, when she must have had thousands of conversation topics…

It's like choking and drowning for so long, and then meeting someone that feels like coming up for fresh air. Someone that makes you feel like you're worth talking about. I don't care if she introduced me as her partner, or a friend. The thing is, she felt like she had to talk about me; and that has to mean something.

And Kensi's next sentence just confirms it. "By the way…My mom would really appreciate it if you could make it to dinner some time."

Stay tuned next week for our special episode: '_Meet the in-laws_.' "So I made a good impression ?"

"I guess so. Look, Deeks, if you don't want to –"

"No. No, I'd be glad to come. Only if it doesn't bother you."

Kensi's brow furrows just a bit. "Why would it bother me ?", she asks me.

"I don't know. You must want to – make up for lost time with your mom. Enjoy it without me butting in."

Kensi smiles again, and she gets up and heads to the kitchen, looking for the ice-cream she knows to be in my freezer, since she is the one for whom I bought it in the first place. She calls out, her face hidden behind the door. "I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want you there."

She makes a point. "Then I'm in. Can I ask you something else ?"

"Sure", Kensi tells me, her back to me as she puts the ice-cream in bowls – strawberry for me, chocolate for her – and I shouldn't even be surprised when I see her adding whipped cream and chocolate sauce and things I didn't have in my kitchen before I met her.

"Why did your mom…how do I look like your dad, exactly ?"

Kensi doesn't answer, but there's no tension in the air. It's more like she is thinking about the best way to phrase it. So I get up too, clearing the table and walking to her, putting the dishes in the sink. I stop next to her, watching her adding the cherry on top of our dessert – one bowl can make you a diabetic in one minute. "Kens…"

"She just said you really seemed to care about me. And that you had to be a great guy to do what I asked from you without asking further questions."

"Oh." Yeah, I know – I could have found something better to say. More profound, but then I only seem to be able to fill a post-it, so it comes as no real surprise that I didn't manage to find something else than a mono-syllabic word.

"Yeah…I told her you were. A great guy, I mean", she tells me, turning to give me my bowl as she walks to the couch, slumping on it quite unceremoniously.

I join her, and though I'd like to press and hear more from her family reunion, I just go with filling my arteries with sugar. When I say that someday Kensi is going to be the death of me, I'm not kidding; I don't know if she's genetically gifted or something, but me ? I drink soy latte, for God's sakes. I'm not used to eating so much sugar. I only eat donuts with my coffee because she does and I'm sure she would mock me if I didn't, telling me that I'm worse than a teenage girl minding her weight.

But then, I don't even need to ask, because Kensi goes on. She also slowly shifts closer to me, until her hip and leg are bumping mine, and her legs entwined with mine on the coffee table. "I never really got to thank you…"

"You don't need to."

"Then I _want_ to. I always…take you for granted. I ask everything from you, and I give nothing, and –"

"That's not true", I cut her off, and Kensi just stares at her lap. "Kens. That's not true", I repeat, and I brush a knuckle on her cheek. "I'd do anything for you, Kensi. And it has nothing to do with what you offer or not in return. You don't have to thank me. For you, I'd do it all over again. And I know you'd do the exact same thing for me. That's all that matters."

"You protected my Mom, Deeks. You let me go when I pleaded you to. You – you made me laugh when I thought nothing could ever get better…"

Kensi stops and puts our bowls down on the coffee table, though I haven't finished mine. Then, she turns to me, her legs tucked underneath her, but her hands grab my arm, her thumbs stroking softly, and tracing absent-mindedly slow circles there. "That little pep talk, your little note… A year ago, I'd have mocked you. Told you to get lost, I'm not even sure I would've let you in. But this time… It gave me something, something I didn't even _know_ I needed. I thought I could do it on my own but, truth be told – without _you_, I wouldn't have gone through the day. Wouldn't have made it."

"Of course you would have. You're Kensi", I tell her, her confused gaze unsettling me. "You're Wonder Woman. People don't take you down. People don't tell you who you are, you tell them. You _show_ them."

"I wouldn't be Wonder Woman without you."

What am I supposed to say after this ? My first impulse would be to kiss her, and then carry her to my room. Don't tell me you wouldn't do the same, especially when I've had the patience and self-control of a saint for weeks; _months, _really. But then, I don't really have to give it much more thought, because Kensi chews on her lip, her eyes locked with mine, her breath slowly fanning over my mouth as she comes closer, leaning into me.

And the second after, her lips are on mine.

* * *

I know it's cheesy, but nothing comes close to kissing Kensi. And it's even better when she's the one initiating it.

It's soft and gentle, at first. It's just like the movies, the slow motion and all; Kensi's eyes slowly fluttering close, her fingers tightening just a little bit around my arm and her lips parting as she oh so slowly lifts her head up, tilting her head to the side.

Then it's the taste and scent of chocolate in her breath mingling with mine, in her lips touching mine, softly brushing them, just pecking and pressing a bit more each time. And then it's the feel of her tongue darting in between, gently brushing my bottom lip.

And then a guy can only hold it back – the spark, the electricity, the heat, so many times. And then I'm kissing her back, one hand cupping the nape of her neck, bringing her closer, the other stroking up and down her arm.

I feel Kensi shifting, kneeling beside me before she hooks her leg up, one leg on each side of my lap, now straddling me, her hands leaving my arm to wrap around my neck. She pulls back for a second before dipping down again, this time more fiercely – more like my Kensi would. It's passionate, and much more vivid. It's everything I've dreamt of, and more at the same time.

I think you can't get it until you've kissed her – and since I'm not gonna let anyone try, then you'll spend the rest of your life missing something really, really mind-blowing. Because Kensi's lips, her tongue, her scent, her hair, her skin…Kensi in all her injured, kick-ass glory, is just nothing short of _intoxicating_.

Her smooth curls. Her feather-light touch, her fingers skimming up and down my jaw and neck. The softness of her lips, and then the fierce desire just behind when she kisses me harder, making me gasp a little, opening my mouth for her. Her tongue delving inside, languidly playing over mine. The warm skin of her lower back pliant and shivering under my palms.

We've already kissed, twice. Three times, actually, if you count that little peck on the lips on the other day. But tonight ? It's better than all three combined. It's better than all those nights of snuggling and cuddling and dancing and touching; hands stroking skin, fingers lacing, legs entwining in bed. It's better than the feel of her hair tickling my chin when she comes to rest her head on my chest when we sleep, or her steady heartbeat matching mine.

It's better because there are so many sensations, all of them meshing together, familiar and unknown, that I can't focus on one at a time. It's the smell of her hair and of her skin, it's the feel of her fingers on me, the sound of her heavy breathing because she doesn't seem to want to pull back for air; her fast, frantic heartbeat reverberating against my own chest, the heat of her body sinking into mine.

It's the little moan my tugging on her bottom lip elicits.

But mostly, it's the way she keeps her eyes firmly closed when she does pull back, leaving only an inch between us to breathe properly. My face still cradled in her palms, her forehead touching mine, but her eyes still closed, the slight shiver running through her body cursing through mine.

And she looks so damn beautiful this way. Her cheeks red, her flushed, heated skin colored the same way; her breath coming out in sharp intakes, her lips trembling, but still, there's the hint of the prettiest smile forming there. And slowly, it tugs at her lips, and she opens her eyes.

Gone are the confusion and the fear, the exhaustion and the pain. There's only…

"I really love you, too. I mean, I don't just like you a lot. I don't just care about you. I love you, period."

"I love –"

"No, I'm not done", Kensi tells me, one finger coming to rest on my parted lips. "_I love you_. I really do. And it took me too long to say it – not realize it, but say it. Show it. I've known it…I'm done running away from it. I'm done pushing it back in a corner of my head and locking it away, stupidly thinking I could just forget about it. I love you, and I'm not gonna fight against it anymore."

"You done now ?", I ask when she stops to breathe, her body still shaking.

"No. I've spent months letting you do all the work – build this relationship. But it takes two to make it work. You've fought for me; now it's only time I fight for you too. It's –"

Kensi hesitates, clearly not knowing how to say whatever she's thinking. Kensi and words and expressing her feelings and emotion don't go well together; but she's making a huge effort, a huge step towards me. "It's not the good word. I don't want any more fights. It's you and me and – I just don't understand why I've _refused_ to acknowledge it sooner. You and me, you…_You_ are the only thing that makes sense in this whole screwed-up world. You're the only constant thing in my life. So yeah, I wouldn't be the same without you. I meant it, when I said you were the only person that I trust. You're the only one I can say this to, and not feel like…I don't feel _less_ because of it."

"Can I speak now ?"

Kensi nods, and I reach up one more time to kiss her softly, my fingers threading in her dark curls, gently touching the bruise on her hairline. "You're one in a million, Kens. No one can make you less. They can try, but they'll never succeed; never take you down. You can stand your ground on your own, you don't _need_ me to be you. But it does feel nice to hear you say it anyway. And for the record, I wouldn't be the same without you either."

"Then maybe we should just…spend whatever time we have, trying to figure out how much better it would be if we stopped thinking and wondering. I don't want to know what it feels like to be without you. _I_ _can't_. I just want to enjoy every minute of it – of you and me. I want to spend every minute I can with you. And I don't even care if that sounds needy. I need you, I love you."

"God, you love that line tonight", I tease her, but still she leans in and kisses me again.

And when she pulls back, her hands leave my shoulders to tug at the hem of her shirt.

I see her wince just a little when she pulls it off her head, exposing her now bluish bruise on her left side. My eyes drift from there to her shoulder, where I know to be a nasty gash under the bandage. And then, God, sue me, but I'm a guy. A guy with a gorgeous woman straddling his lap, now topless.

"You – you said that's how the dream sequence starts", Kensi says, her voice a little shaky, but resolute, and so is her gaze, her brown eyes staring right at me. "Care to show me what happens next ?"

And God if my dreamy version of her is nothing compared to the real thing. But then, in my dreams, Kensi isn't usually beaten and bruised. There's no more scars on her body, and in all those scenarios, not even once did it happen like this. Not when I came so close to losing her.

But then Kensi seems to sense my hesitation – and really, I must be plain dumb to even contemplate the idea of saying no. "I called you, earlier. I needed to hear your voice. It was no romantic, melodramatic move. I didn't call you in case I didn't make it, to hear you one last time", she says, tears welling in her eyes. She takes a deep breath and shakes her head, blinking them back. "I called you because you are the only one who can give me strength when I'm down. Because you're the little voice in my head telling me there's someone out there who cares. I'm not in shock; I'm not lost and confused. I just want you."

And that's enough to trigger it all.

Gone is my fear to hurt her when she's already this injured. Gone are the hesitation, the wondering and every other feeling and thought that were holding me back.

And a couple minutes later, we both give in what we've wanted all along. It's my place, but it's Kensi who tugs at my hand and leads me to my room. But that's about all I let her do. And when I'm hovering over her, watching her beautiful face framed by her dark curls around her on the pillow, her swollen red lips, her desire-laden brown orbs staring right at me; when my hands are touching skin they've never met before, dancing and roaming over her body; when the last shreds of clothes are peeled away; that's when I just know this is right. And that night, that room, that bed, it's right where I want to be.

* * *

The biggest difference with all those other mornings is that when I wake up to find Kensi curled up to me, I can feel the warmth of her body heat sink directly into me. Her back is to my chest, one of her hands is resting over mine at her waist, our fingers twined, my arm wrapped around her, the other tucked under her head as a pillow.

And when I kiss the skin just behind her ear, I know she's not gonna turn around and shoot me. Nor does she kill me when my lips follow a trail down to her shoulder.

She just hums softly, still deep in sleep. She squeezes our linked hands, presses our bodies closer and tightens the hold of my arm around her.

And I gladly let her.


End file.
